My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Ending Endometrin

The doctors assistant called me today and it looks like I'll get to stop taking Endometrin very soon.

I was given 2 options, either start the progesterone oil shots now, or come in for bloodwork tomorrow to determine if I even need progesterone supplements at all.  They said if my progesterone level is above 20, there's no point in me taking anything.

Well duh, I want to know what my bloodwork says!  I think it's rather ridiculous that they just have you on the supplements without ever checking to see if you need them or not.  Extra medications can't be good for your body if your body doesn't need them, and it's certainly not good for the wallet.  I'm rather amazed that I'm almost 8 weeks into this pregnancy, with bleeding complaints, and twins, and no one has checked the level of this vital pregnancy hormone.

If my progesterone level turns out to be really high, I'll probably taper off the endometrin.  2 a day for a couple of days, then 1 a day, and then none.  The last thing I want to do is shock my body in any way by suddenly stopping a supplement.  If I do still need something, I'll probably taper down the endometrin while starting the shots.  Give my body a couple of days to get the progesterone fully into my system with the shots before fully stopping the suppositories.

Grrrr.  In 2 weeks I see my OB again and hopefully graduate to his care.  I just hate feeling processed by this clinic all the time.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

7w5d ultrasound

Woke up nice and early for my date with Wanda this morning.  Here are the results -

Both babies have caught up in size.  They measured 7w5d and 7w4d so yippee!!!  Heart rates measured 144 and 147 so those are perfect as well.  Woot!

They are definitely fraternal.  They are far apart, each with their own private survival system.  The placentas are attached in 2 different places, they are unlikely to ever fuse together or anything like that.  So in terms of gestational safety for twins, this is the safest twin situation.  As much as I desperately want to bring both home, there's some comfort in knowing that if something horrible should happen to one of them, the other one might still be saved.  Had this been the case with the girls, we might have brought one of them home.  Not very likely, but at least it would have been worth attempting.

Here's the bad news - I'm going to bleed again.  She found some blobs near the cervix that are likely going to dislodge and create some dramatic and scary looking bleeding.  Fortunately, these blobs are NOT where either placenta is located so it's most likely not going to affect the babies at all.  It will freak the fuck outta the mommy, but probably won't touch the babies.  The problem area is closest to Twin B.  Even though it's pretty far from B, if it gets more dramatic and causes some harm there, Twin A will still be quite protected from it.  But again, it doesn't look like it will touch either of them.

So I'm not looking forward to when that happens, on the other hand, I'm REALLY glad to have some warning.  It's going to make it so much easier to intellectualize instead of straight out panic when it starts.  I can know what the blood is, where it's coming from, somewhat predict how long it will last, and be fairly confidant that it's not disrupting the Maybies.  In logistical terms, I'll be able to flush it away without worrying about what it is that I'm flushing.

I told her that I've basically put myself on modified bedrest - I'm not in bed, but I'm not doing a damned thing either.  She said "that's probably wise".  I also told her about my video shoots this week and that my camera equipment is 15-20lbs.  She's not thrilled about that so we're looking at putting my equipment on a hand truck so I can roll it in from the car, and I'll take advantage of any gallantry that the men at the shoots choose to offer in moving the stuff around and loading it back into the car.

I talked to her about Endometrin.  I really don't like any foreign objects near or in my crotch right now considering I've lost to infection before, it makes me leak constantly so I'm wiping myself raw out of fear, and as far as I can tell, we haven't even tested my progesterone level to know if it's even necessary.  The concern is that if I stop taking it, or if I switch to the oil and that takes some time to absorb, my body might interpret the sudden drop in progesterone as the end of the pregnancy.  Sooooooo she's looking into some options.  I dunno, maybe taper down the endometrin while starting the injections or something.  But it's also something that is generally stopped around week 10 anyway so it might not be worth switching course for only another 2-3 weeks.  We'll see.

I also asked how a huge clot is able to escape through the cervix intact.  She said that it's likely the blood leaked through the cervix, pooled in the vagina and clotted there before passing.  So that explains that!

Overall, she's very pleased with everything.  She says I've dropped to the 5% or lower chance of MC category which I just can not wrap my head around.  My brain simply can not make the switch from "maybe" to "probably".  Especially with so much bleeding that's already happened, and knowing it's going to happen again.  The good thing about the bleeding - it means I get to look in my little guys a LOT more often than I would without it.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week, and I should call my OB and schedule my first appointment with him for a week or two after that.

So I'm having a pretty decent day!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Still standing

Not much to report but you've all shown so much concern (thank you!) that I feel I should give everyone an update.

For the last 24 hours or so, I would describe any discharge or blood when I wipe to be of the "residue" category.  Brown, not much there, but it's consistently there.

I'm still doing the endometrin so I CONSTANTLY feel like I'm leaking.  I'm trying to limit myself to 1 wiping check per hour because any more than that and I'm going to wipe myself raw and that's a whole other category of discomfort.

Told one of my bosses today that I'm not going to be working for a while.  The doctors said it was fine to do pottery, but I also noticed that on the days I did nothing, no bleeding.  On the days I spent a lot of time at the wheel, bleeding.  So doctors be damned, I'm not doing it until I feel somewhat secure again.

However, my video work is picking up.  I currently have 2 video shoots scheduled for this week and the company that I get the gigs through called me to see if they could book another one on Thursday for me.  That's fine, but they need to call the clients and make the schedules work, I don't want to deal with that.  I know that sounds like work, but really, it's not that strenuous.  I interview someone on camera for a half hour and then I film them doing what they do for 45 minutes or so.  The rest is spent sitting at my computer putting it together.  I'm kind of looking forward to the one on Friday, it's a go-kart racing place.  So there should actually be some fun stuff to shoot.

In pregnancy symptom news, most of it has faded away.  Currently 7 weeks 4 days.

  • My digestion always has a general "not right" feeling to it.  A little on the hungry side, a little on the full side, a little on the queasy side, it can't really decide what side it wants to be on so it's on all of them at once.  But only a little.  
  • When I get hungry, I become starving all of a sudden.  
  • Oh!  Spent about 5 minutes last night sitting in front of the toilet wondering if I was going to have a repeat performance of Thanksgiving morning.  We really need to sweep the bathroom floor.  
  • I don't really get cramps anymore, but rather the occasional odd gurgle.  
  • Shoulders and upper back burn most of the time.  Don't know if that's a pregnancy thing or not.  
  • I seem to be low grade tired all the time, but never solidly sleep.  I seem to be up peeing all the time, or just on the verge of being awake at any given moment.  I don't feel like I'm really soundly sleeping.
  • It still has no dawned on me that there's a chance I'll make it past 10 weeks.  I'm not sure why.  On the other hand, I can't fully picture going through a miscarriage either.  So I have no hunches as to what's going to happen with this pregnancy.  For once, I simply can't figure out the future.

For the most part, I sit here, just kind of holding still because I'm afraid to jostle anything loose, playing cards on the computer, feeling like I'm leaking, and waiting until the hour goes by so I can see if it's endometrin goo or blood flowing into my underwear.  Real exciting life I've got going on here.

Question about bleeding while pregnant - if the cervix is closed, how does the blood escape?  Isn't that like trying to pour water out of a bottle with the lid screwed on?

Ultrasound tomorrow.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Went to the ER Bleeding

It's never 9am on a Monday morning that these things happen.  No, it's always 10pm on the Saturday of a holiday weekend.

Last night after a late dinner, I went to the bathroom to check in the moisture I tend to feel in my undies every hour or so.  That's endometrin for you.  You always feel like you just started your period but it turns out to be a clear, white nothing.

Not this time.  I had soaked through my pantyliner and when I was on the toilet, I dropped a major clot.  I could seriously feel it slide out of my body and when we looked at it in the toilet (yes, I made K look too because I was that freaked) it was something about the size and structural integrity of a full egg yolk.  It looked like some sort of animal kidney or liver that my parents used to feed our cats when I was little.

Here's a logistical problem that you face when something like this happens.  Do you flush the toilet?  Seriously!  What does a person do here?  We opted to not flush the toilet in case it was something that would need to be retrieved for some sort of testing.

I called the clinic and got my call back from the doctor on call and was given the choice of going to the ER or waiting until the morning and getting an ultrasound at the clinic.  Uh gee, let me think about that, BYE!  And off to the ER we went.

Let me tell ya, when you're 19 weeks and in labor, there's a whole lot more rush on your behalf than when you're 7 weeks and bleeding.

I got all checked in, blood pressure, temperature and oxygen levels measured, and was told to wait, so we waited.  I needed to pee.  But I was really afraid of what I would see if I took my pants off so I held off for a while.  When I finally went, there was still blood, but it wasn't as bad as it had been before.

During all of this, I'm trying to come up with a logical explanation for what's going on.  I'm convincing myself that whatever was in the toilet, if it was a gestational sac, it was only 1 of the sacs.  And that the other one could still be in there and just fine.  I'm basically preparing myself to be told that we've lost one and trying to psych myself up to believe that the other one is fine.

Finally, after about a half hour, we head back to a room and I'm told to strip down.  They set up an IV in my hand and take some blood at the same time.  The IV was a precautionary thing, they didn't actually attach me to any fluids, they just wanted the IV in place so that should I need something later, there's no delay in getting it into my system.  On a side note, every time I've typed IV so far in the post, my fingers automatically finished that to read IVF.

Then there was another half hour or so of excruciating waiting.  Bear in mind, that I'm shaking this whole time.  It was a combo of sugar/caffeine from the real coke I had with dinner and panic.  But that kind of tense shaking is not comfy.  While I pass the time inspecting my hair for split ends and color variations, K just sits in the chair next to me and silently waits.  I don't know how he does that but somehow he does.

FINALLY, the ultrasound tech retrieves me and my bed is rolled into a dark room for a date with Wanda.  But first, they do a topical ultrasound to check my kidneys.  WTF?  Ok fine, have a friggin kidney, but the doctor and I clearly have different priorities.  After we've established that I have kidneys, Wanda shows herself and here we go.

I see 2 sacs as the technician takes a quick look around.  I can see that one of the sacs clearly has something inside of it, the other one, can't see as well.  But regardless, it's there, and that means it's not at home at the bottom of my toilet.  But every time she glances at what's in there, she takes a still picture which pauses things so I can't clearly see if there are beating hearts.  We occasionally think we see some hearts fluttering as she passes by and this is reassuring, but it's not clear.

The tech is extremely thorough.  Much more thorough than the ultrasounds I get at the clinic.  They check both ovaries, including the blood flow through the ovaries.  And finally, fucking FINALLY, she focuses on the gestational sacs and start getting some good looks inside.

Of course, the tech is legally not able to give any conclusions of any kind, but fuck, we're IVF patients, we know what the fuck we're looking at.  And we are looking at Twin A's beating heart. YES!!!  All sorts of measurements get taken and I'm seeing ages like 6 weeks 5 days coming up on the screen.  And we move on to Twin B.  And Twin B is indeed right where it's supposed to be.  And there's beating heart number 2.  OMFG YES!!!!!  I start seeing measurements like 6 weeks 6 days on the screen.  And now K and I are babbling back and forth about how much growth we've seen since my ultrasound a whole 4 days ago and trying to make various diagnoses with each other since the tech is not allowed to join in.

As the panic starts to subside, we head back to my room to await conclusions.  Every so often I still need to wipe and I'm still bleeding a little bit.  A doctor comes in and determines that we're not going to do a pelvic exam, the ultrasound gives more info anyway and why introduce anything up there that doesn't need to be there (thus validating my no penis, no fingers policy during this pregnancy).  I'm told I can go ahead and get dressed and so oddly enough, that's what I opt to do.

After another bit of waiting, the doctor comes in with all sorts of results.  There's some blood in my urine sample (duh) but otherwise it looks fine.  My bloodwork all came in just fine.  And my ultrasound, things look as perfect as they can be.

WTF?  How is that even possible?  How can that much blood, a clot that size, exit my body, and you can't find any evidence of where it came from or what the hell it is?  10 days ago, I passed a clot that was like a smushed pea and they could find the gap where that had come from, but you can't see where a clot the size of an egg came from???  I tell him that I'm picturing all of the lining of my uterus just breaking off in bits and pieces and eventually the piece that's holding one of the sacs in place is going to come out taking the sac with it.  The doctor said that's not what's happening.

Here are the final baby conclusions.  I'm told that the best indicator of fetal strength is the heart rate.  The heart rates are 137bpm and 139bpm - very strong.  So that's really good.  The doctor also says that size and age measurements are not exact sciences at this stage so take those numbers with a grain of salt.  Regardless, we're at 6w5d (Twin A) and 7w0d (Twin B) which is 2-4 days behind actual age, but significant growth from last Tuesday so I'm good with that.

I was told that if I bleed through 2 pads an hour, that's panic time.  But if I have something to panic about before then, I can come in any time and peek in on the kiddos.  I'll likely be doing that every couple of days because I seem to be bleeding significantly every couple of days.  I woke up this morning to quite a bit of blood, but it didn't soak through a pad, and as of 9 hours ago, the kids were fine so I'm sucking it up and not panicking.  Yup, see this face, this is a non-panicking face.  No really, it is.  I always look like that.

When I went to sleep last night (after flushing the toilet guilt free), my big boy kitty was under my arm, my smaller boy kitty was under my other hand, and my mini girl kitty, who never comes up on the bed at night, she was sleeping on my belly.  She was still there when I woke up this morning.

For the next few days, I'm not doing jack shit.  No pottery, no dishes, no nothing.  I'm either sitting or lying down.  Intellectually, I'm fully aware that there's nothing that I'm doing to cause this bleeding, but I don't give a hoot about reason.  I'm sitting here, feeling like I'm having a period and it feels awful.  My brain simply can not wrap itself around the possibility that with all of this bleeding, I might possibly make it out of the first trimester still pregnant.  That just doesn't seem possible.

I'll be keeping my Tuesday ultrasound appointment at the clinic.  Yes, I'm likely going to look in these little ones every 3-4 days because they are scaring the bejebus outta me.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Schrodinger Babies

For those of you Big Bang Theory enthusiasts, you're probably aware of Schrodinger's cat.  But for those who don't watch nerdy sitcoms, the best explanation I've found is at and it goes like this:
In his original thought experiment, Schrodinger imagined that a cat is locked in a box, along with a radioactive atom that is connected to a vial containing a deadly poison. If the atom decays, it causes the vial to smash and the cat to be killed. When the box is closed we do not know if the atom has decayed or not, which means that it can be in both the decayed state and the non-decayed state at the same time. Therefore, the cat is both dead and alive at the same time - which clearly does not happen in classical physics.
So in theory, the cat is both dead and alive at the same time.  The only way to determine which is true and which is false, you must open the box, thus ending the experiment.

Every day that I'm not looking at an ultrasound, I feel like that's what's going on in my belly.  And about an hour after an ultrasound is done, whatever truth was determined becomes theory again and we're back in Schrodinger land.

Every moment that I feel halfway decent, I feel like it must mean all my symptoms are gone and thus I'm doomed.  So while barfing wasn't entirely pleasant Thanksgiving morning (that's the only barf so far, made it through dinner just fine), at least it was a symptom escalation which gave me some security.  But since then, I'm pretty much ok.  A little tired.  The occasional queasy but it's not very often.  Still have a firm belly under a squishy layer of fat.

All in all, I'd rather be barfing.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Today of all days

In my last pregnancy, no morning sickness.  I got a bit queasy, and I think I spit up a little bit once, but not a single proper barf.

Things appeared be going the same for this pregnancy.  Until this morning.  Shortly after breakfast, bye bye breakfast.

So of all days, it happens on the one day a year I'm planning to gather with family and stuff my face?  This should be a swell afternoon/evening.  I hope I don't create an awkward situation for the rest of the family considering the main bathroom is right next to the dining room.

But, this is a sign of a major fetal growth spurt, right?  Just looking for reasons to believe that things are starting to go really well in there.  I'll take whatever straw I can grasp.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Puke bucket

I've been keeping a puke bucket at my bedside, just in case.  I have yet to use it and probably never will.  Someone else has decided it shouldn't go to waste.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Mixed reviews

This appointment was supposed to make me feel all better and prove what a silly git I am for panicking.

It didn't.

I still have the clot that was the cause (or result?) of my bleeding last week.  It seems to be stable and not getting any worse, so, yay?

These kids are really far apart in there.  Gives me hope that they are fraternal.  My girls were right on top of each other from the very beginning.

So the doctor started by focusing on the one that was easiest to see.  And it's measuring a few days behind.  The largest measurement we got was 6 weeks 2 days (I should be 6 weeks 5 day) and she measured several times.

The other one was really difficult to see.  I guess it's just really far up there so the ultrasound waves have to travel farther making the image fuzzier.  As she was trying to get a good look, there were some fear moments that maybe it was just the sac and there was no baby inside.  But she did eventually find it and confirm a heartbeat.

Both have heartbeats.  No, I don't know what the rate is.  I'll probably get details like that when the nurse calls me later and I'm in a better frame of mind to ask questions.

But what scares me is that we're in "wait and see" mode.  I said "so it's not time to start celebrating yet?" and she replied "I'd hold off a little bit".  Fuck.

Everything was so perfect with the girls, just absolutely textbook, that anything less feels insurmountable.  This time there's spotting, a few days behind in growth, clots.  How on earth am I supposed to have any faith that this is going to work out ok when absolutely perfect went to shit?

Monday, November 21, 2011

My Natural Pessimism

Oh, THERE you are attitude of mine!  I've been wondering where you've been.  I was so happy pappy that I thought you might have abandoned me.

The last few days I've been filled with my usual fear and pessimism.  Here are the "symptoms" that are sending me to doom and gloom land.

  • Putting in my endometrin - it used to hit resistance that was a bit sore which I would imagine was the closed cervix.  The last few days, it doesn't seem to be hitting anything and it's going in a little farther.
  • I'm not waking up nearly as starving as I had been.
  • I've been feeling a little oogy, but the morning sickness has calmed down.  The queasy hasn't disappeared, it's just not the issue it was beginning to be.
Last night really freaked me the hell out.  I woke up at 3am (why do these things always happen at 3am?) and I was getting some cramps.  Nothing horrible, just the kind that send you to the bathroom to either poop or fart to relieve.  The problem is that they kept rolling over me for an hour.  It felt like a very miniature version of the labor I went through with the girls.  I'd try to have a bm, head back to bed, within a few minutes of lying down, I'm back in the bathroom with the same cramps again.

Around 4am, I woke up K to keep me company.  This had been going on for an hour, he didn't have to work today, and I was lonely and scared.  

I finally evacuated a very soft but significant bm and for the most part, that was the end of it.  K and I stayed up for about an hour watching Dog Whisperer before I tried going back to sleep.  We are really hoping that all of that was caused by the pizza we had delivered for dinner.

The only scary symptom I haven't had is blood.  I've been checked out since the last time I had any type of bleeding and things were fine, and I haven't seen any since then.  

Oh, by the way, for those of you who freak out like me - don't eat beets. They turn your urine somewhat red as well as your poo and when you're studying everything that comes out of you for signs of red, that's just a cruel joke you're playing on yourself.

But I can't help but think that I could very well be one of those people who goes in for their ultrasound and find that the fetus stopped growing a week ago and there's no heartbeat.  My brain seems to have decided to accept and prepare that this is exactly what's going to happen on Wednesday.


I emailed my "symptoms" to my nurse and they are going out of their way to get me seen as soon as possible which turns out to be tomorrow at noon rather than the appointment I already had for the following day.  They aren't getting me in all quick because they sense some emergency, but rather as a courtesy to make the paranoid freak feel better.

She checked with the doctor and he says that the cervix thing, yeah, that wouldn't happen.  I'm pretty much imagining that one (YAY!).  The rolling cramps are a bit of a concern, but I've had that before when I wasn't pregnant, K has had that, so it's reasonable to hope it was just bad pizza.  As for the not waking up starving like I was and not being as sick as I was, maybe a concern, maybe just fluctuating  symptoms that are perfectly normal.

So I'm generally doing the "ultra paranoid, going to drive doctors nuts" thing.  During the first trimester, there's always a 50/50 chance that there's reason to be afraid and a 50/50 chance that it's stupid to be afraid.  I warned my doctors that the happy go lucky, just chill and trust that it's ok, chick that they met last time was gone and boy was I right about that!

However, if something is wrong, I would like more than 24hrs to deal with it before doing a major family holiday.  I'm feeling hopeless, ridiculous, completely silly, and scared all at the same time.

Friday, November 18, 2011

This is different

I know it turned out fabulous, but yesterday was a really rough day.  I spent half the day convinced that I was about to head back to miscarriage misery and that took a lot out of me.  Spent most of the rest of the day kind of shaky coming down from the fear adrenaline.

I really want to thank everyone for coming out of lurkdom to say hi and give well-wishes.  So many of you left comments and chatted with me on my chat widget and it was just great to hear from everybody!  Thank you!

I was hoping to chill a little bit before having anything new to report but not so lucky.  FToday, for the first time, I'm experiencing morning sickness.  I think I'm still really far on the lucky scale because it's not horrible or anything, but it's not pleasant.  So far, just one trip to the toilet and it yielded very little.  But I'm kind of afraid to eat anything now.  I've got my hair back in a ponytail and an extra little garbage pail lined with a plastic bag sticking near my feet just in case cuz it hit me rather suddenly before.

I was supposed to catch up on some pottery today.  I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to handle watching stuff spin.  I'm going to give it a try but I have a feeling I'm not going to last very long doing that.  

Thursday, November 17, 2011

First Time Twins, Take 2

We found the source of the spotting.  Under a gestational sac there was a little tear.  Apparently something about as the placenta entrenches itself and grows, it sometimes tears a little bit of the lining, or something like that.

Honestly, I missed some of the finer details of the explanation.  I was a little busy reacting to seeing 2 gestational sacs with yolks and fetal poles, firmly attached, and currently at the right size.

Apparently those little tears and thus a little bit of spotting is more common with twins.  We don't know if they are identical or fraternal, but each has it's own individual sac which is a really good thing.

In six days when I go to my regularly scheduled ultrasound and we can see the heartbeats, dancing in the streets shall commence.  Right now, I'm just kind of shaky.  A little bit of coming down from fear, and a little bit of being elated at twins again.

I'm almost ashamed of myself for being SOOOOOOOOO fortunate to get this kind of lightening strikes twice do-over when so many others are struggling.  I feel like a Survivor contestant who's won a reward and gets to pig out on all sorts of goodies in front of the other starving contestants.  I'm thrilled for me, and just so sorry that I can't spread the wealth around.

Well, for the moment, it looks like this blog will be able to fulfill its original purpose - to document becoming parents for the first time to twins.  Please, let me get it right this time.


6 weeks today, and I woke up to wipe some red goo from myself.  I'm bleeding a little bit.  More than a "huh, is that blood?" but less than a period.

K says he remembers me spotting last time too.  I do not remember this.  I remember debilitating cramps that made me unable to walk for a day, but I don't remember spotting.

Emergency ultrasound in 4 hours (2pm PST).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Bloggin 'Bout Da Boobies

My boobies are starting to fascinate me.

They've decided that they want to be round now and about a half cup bigger.  If they were generally bigger and rounder, I might actually get some cleavage.  While they've got some impressive mass to them (I am a fat girl after all), all that mass is kind of far apart so a cleavage line takes quite a bit of leaning forward, like on my hands and knees, or a roll of duct tape.  But no.  My boobs have decided to add all of their extra side and roundness to the outside of the boob, giving them the appearance of being even farther apart and they're trying to take up residence in my armpits.

They've also decided to get this weird feeling as if there are needles dancing inside of them.

I've got a little bit of soreness, but nothing that makes me truly wince.

K is both loving and really hating this change.  He's loving that I come up to him, lift my shirt, and ask "are these bigger than yesterday?  No really, put your hand there, they aren't usually that round are they?"  But he's kind of hating that because we're abstaining and because they're a little sore, he can't do a damned thing with said boobies.  He inspects visually, double checks size and shape with his hands, and then he has to go back to video games on the computer.

Yeah, I'm a bitch.


Monday, November 14, 2011

More random things

My lists on the Day of a Dozen Things got long so I cut it off there and figured I'd do my pregnancy updates and interactive stuff in a new post.

KM gave us 2 really awesome shelving unit thingies.  This is one of them -

I love shelving things like this that kind of work as functional wall art.  We have some smaller versions of this kind of thing over our bed replacing the need for a headboard.  While this picture doesn't so it, part of it is painted in the same yellow as the nursery.  I'm thinking that they would actually go really well in the nursery, especially if we have 2 kids in there.  One to store each kids individual things.  Of course, we can't put them up until we know what furniture is going to go in there and how it's going to be arranged, so it looks like we have more things to generally pile in that room for the time being.

Random pregnancy notes:

Waking up starving every day.  Who am I kidding, I'm starving all the friggin time.  In fact, I'm gonna go make me a sammitch before finishing this!

Endometrin is evil.  It just is.  Every day I feel like I'm having my period a few hours after putting this stuff in because it just kind of melts back out of you.  And that of course hits my panic button sending me to the bathroom to double check that it is in fact endometrin goo and not something with color to it.  This also means I'm going through packages of pantyliners like crazy.  I insist on changing them every time I pee (every hour or two) because the only thing we can figure from the miscarriage is that perhaps the pads that I was wearing due to incontinence weren't getting changed often enough and that lead to bad things.

My upper back hurts just about every evening.  Probably because I've been doing a lot of pottery for my boss.  But also possibly because I can't seem to get comfortable at night.  That's probably not a pregnancy thing since I'm waaaaayyyyyy too early for comfort issues, but I sometimes just go through a few weeks where I can't seem to get comfortable at night.

Getting the occasional pinch the abdomen.  Usually when I stand up after sitting for a while and it gets mad at me for not stretching it slowly.

The taste buds are starting to change.  This is both a good thing, and a frustrating thing.  Last time, it forced me to eat really healthy.  But it also means that I have no idea what to grab from the fridge because I don't know if it's going to taste the way I expect it to taste.  My usual grande 3-pump white chocolate mocha has been changed to a 2-pump (in other words, half the amount of syrup that's supposed to be in it) because otherwise it's way too sweet and oily.

My flabby fat tummy has a firmness, like a firm bag underneath a layer of floppy fat.

My two younger kitties have been sitting on my belly like it's their responsibility to try to hatch this egg for me.  And just for the hell of it, and because I think they're so damned cute, here's a reminder of who those particular kitties are.

Jipsee, the mini kitty, and her tongue
Mayday in one of his favorite poses

In general, I'm in a better mood than usual.  I'm still tired and kind of unmotivated to do stuff, but when a good song comes on the radio, I'm starting to dance a bit while lip syncing.  This is not normal Alex behavior by the way.

I just really want time to go by a lot quicker.  So many people on the miscarriage boards talk about how they lost their baby in the 5th and 6th weeks, I just really want to get passed those already.  Especially since I'll be seeing just how many heartbeats I've got beating in here the day before week 7.

And now for the interactive part of this blog post.  2 things.

First - does anyone have any use for mini dv tapes?  I have probably about 100 of them that I've used once but because clients really prefer that you pull out a brand new one when filming them, I'll probably not have the chance to use them again.  I've blacked them so there's no actual footage on them.  If anyone out there has a camera that takes mini-dv tapes, I'll sell you as many as you want for 50 cents a piece plus shipping.

Second - I'm thinking of redoing how I do pottery.  In the past, I've just made whatever I felt like making and sold the results.  I'm thinking now of narrowing it down to about 4 shapes, offer each shape in 2 sizes.  Making a gross of them, leaving them unglazed and then people can request whatever glaze combinations they want when they order them.  It would take 4-6 weeks for delivery.

I'm thinking of setting up my own website for this kind of ordering and then all the random stuff I make, the one off items, I'll throw into my Artfire store as kind of my destash.  That would allow me to make things as I experiment with different glazes and new shapes but leaving my own website store nice and clean with the consistent product lines.

What do you guys think of this idea?  It would allow me to do a ton of throwing right now so that when I implemented it (around the time the baby(ies) born), a lot of the time consuming work would be done.  And please, tell me about your favorite coffee mug.  What's the glaze like, what's the shape, what's the size?  What makes that mug the one you reach for every morning?

The Day of a Dozen Things

Whew!  Busy day.  And looking around the house, it looks like I haven't accomplished a damn thing.

Days like this I like to call the Day of a Dozen Things.  It's the day where you finally get around to doing all of those little things that have been stacking up.  All those things that you keep meaning to do but somehow find that another day has gone by in which you did not in fact do the thing.

My day of a dozen things included:
  • Picking up prescriptions
  • Picking up packing tape
  • Ordered boxes and stamps from the post office
  • Deposited a check
  • Put the laundered puppy pads where they belong instead of hanging over the sink
  • Laundry (Keith did most of it, but I remembered the bathmat!)
  • Put the shelves back in place that were used at the craft fair
  • Contacted customers about their pottery being ready
  • Remade some test tiles for glazes I want to double check
  • Organized the glaze area a little bit
  • Made the phone calls necessary to figure out how to submit a bunch of medical claims
  • Prepared the paperwork for the medical claims (have to wait for them to send me papers for prescription claims)
  • Told Cosmo I'm no longer a Cosmo girl and to cancel my subscription.  What can I say, I'm just no longer interested in the 13 moves he can't resist.
  • Called my Wednesday video client to confirm
  • Cleaned my Oct and Nov 2010 video footage archives of materials I'm no longer required to keep
  • Looked at a couple of bank accounts and panicked.  Not very useful, but it needs to be done every so often.
  • Put roll of paper towels on paper towel holder
  • Moved some pottery tools into the pottery studio
And I'm gonna admit it.  Half of these things I did while in the middle of writing this list specifically so I would get more done and make the list more impressive.

On my next day of a dozen things:
  • Figure out just what exactly is piled on the dresser and where that stuff is supposed to live
  • Find a place for my giant rolls of bubble wrap to live
  • Get the rest of my pottery listed for sale before I get yet another kiln load of product to deal with
  • Start website for pottery to supplement my Artfire site.
  • Beg everyone who reads this blog to purchase their Christmas presents from my Artfire site.  Oh, I guess I can cross that off the list now huh?
  • Determine what I want to make consistently and get my shop filled up with that stuff
  • Figure out how to best use the rolling cart that KM gave me
  • Figure out where my shipping boxes should live
  • Clear out the shelves in my office of crap that no one needs
  • Catch up on my shredding of documents that have account numbers on them
  • Figure out how to ship this big ass vase so I can finally list it for sale

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I finally got around to making Frango pie.  You guys know, that massively rich dessert that I've been looking forward to for months?  Yeaaaaah, that one.

So I made it today knowing that K would be exhausted when he got home from work and could use a treat.  There was so much filling that there was enough for 2 clear glasses to serve as a chocolate mousse.

Tonight, we dug into the mousse servings while watching Survivor.

Then, about halfway through my serving (no one can eat a full serving of this stuff, it's just not possible), it dawns on me, this has raw eggs in it.  And at no point in the making of Frango Pie do the eggs ever go through the cooking process.  Shit, I just ate raw eggs.  And I can't have any more of this massive, rich, delicious pie that I made.

I'm sad I can't have anymore.  I haven't had this in years and I've really been looking forward to it.  And now, that pie is gonna be cut up and left in the breakroom at K's work for his coworkers to enjoy tomorrow.

But the big thing, I'M FREAKING OUT!!!  I'm practically convinced that I just poisoned my babies with a couple of bites that included some raw egg.  SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!  Frak.  And this after going through everything in the medicine cabinet labeling it pregnancy safe or not.  And what do I do?  I make a salmonella pie.  I'm an idiot!

Thanks guys

I really appreciate all of you showing your support after I got a sucky comment.  I want to personally thank all of you who have come out of the lurking woodwork to say hi, to let me know that you're here, and to offer your well-wishes for my current pregnancy.  It's so nice to meet all the new names, and I hope you'll stay delurked!

It feels really weird to say I'm pregnant, current pregnancy, etc etc.  I'm not even five weeks along until tomorrow so it just still seems so tentative.  I almost feel like I ain't got no pregnancy cred until I reach 10 weeks or something.  Until then, I'm not really, really pregnant, I'm just kinda sorta maybe pregnant.

Except that my sleep habits are totally different, my taste buds started to shift today (white mochas are becoming gross again), my abdomen is just panging here and squeezing there from time to time, my nose is completely full so I'm sneezing, my back hurts, and I'm now likely to fall asleep if I sit on the couch too long.

Oh yeah, and the great abstinence experience as begun.  I've mentioned this before, but here's what's up for those who are unaware.

During my last pregnancy, every orgasm lead to extremely painful cramps.  To the point that I pretty much lost all my mojo.  It's hard to want to get to the sexual finish line when you're going to be kicked in the gut immediately after crossing it.  And we lost the last pregnancy due to infection.  So even though we're pretty sure we would be told it's ok, neither K nor I can feel good about having a second persons germs anywhere near my general panty area.  So the intention of the next 9 months (plus birthing recovery time) is to keep my panties on regardless of what activities we may wish to engage in.

I'm usually a zero libido kind of gal so this didn't bother me at all.  But now that we're there, now that we're abstaining........methinks we may need to revisit this idea cuz it's not sitting as well with me that I expected it to.

*sigh*  I think I'll go chew some ice or something.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Dear Anonymous

Hey guys!  I got my first "you suck" style comment!  I feel like a real blogger now!  Cuz you're not a real blogger until someone thinks you suck for some stupid reason and takes time out of their busy busy day to tell you so.

Here's what Anonymous had to say about my last post -

While I think it's great that you are FINALLY happy about SOMETHING, I think it's a shame that you were so cruel in the past, when it came to other pregnant women. How would you feel now, if someone says they hate you because of your pregnancy? Remember that song, Pregnant Women Are Smug?

So I shall respond.

Dear Anonymous,

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!  Really?  You're taking the time out to tell me that my miserable struggle wasn't a happy enough journey for you?  Ex-best-friend PR, is that you?  The idiocy of this post really does sound like you.

Pregnant people ARE smug.  PR sure was.  I certainly was.  And I most likely will be again.  Odds are, a lot of people are going to find me really irritating because of it.  Saying so isn't cruel.  Shoving a branding iron in someones eye is cruel, posting a silly little video that teases a very common annoying personality trait is hardly cruel.  And it's not like I went running around to pregnancy blogs making bitchy comments.  In what way have I been CRUEL?

People are perfectly welcome to hate me for being pregnant.  I said long before I got pregnant that I expect a few "fuck yous" to be flung my way when I get my baby.  I'm rather shocked that instead of losing readers by announcing my BFP, I actually gained 2.  I still expect many of my IF friends to get sick of pregnancy posts and drop me from their newsfeed if I'm lucky enough to continue making pregnancy posts for a few more weeks.  And I'll feel perfectly fine with that.  I've dropped other people from my reading list when they became a pregnancy blog because at the time, their experience was no longer relevant to mine.

However, I'm very curious as to your motivations.  Clearly you haven't just stumbled across my blog for the first time today and decided to comment.  You remember a post from a while back, and you know my blog well enough to know the general tone tends to not be a happy one.  And yet you've continued to read it.  And you've chosen to now tell me that I've been cruel in the past, to imply that I've been annoying you with all of my unhappy drama. Why haven't you mentioned these things before if they were bugging you or called me out for being cruel when I was actually being cruel?  And why, pray tell, have you chosen not to assign your identity to your crappy comment?  Most people would either just stop reading something that bugged them, or they would own up to their opinion when they expressed it, you have done neither.

So, Anonymous, who are you and what is your problem?

Smugly Pregnant in Infertility Land

Swapping roles

I'm usually pretty guarded.  So many times I've gotten my hopes up and had them dashes so I practically live by the philosophy of don't get your hopes up, don't get disappointed.  I assume disaster until proven otherwise.

K is the opposite.  He's the one who assumes the best outcome until he's proven wrong.

And for the whole period of time between losing the girls and gaining whoever I've got cooking in there, I've been prepared to keep myself completely cold and distant until the age of viability.  Don't get attached, don't get hurt.

Wow, that is so not happening.  Ok, it is, but it's happening to K instead of me.  I'm bouncing off of walls.  I know intellectually that I might get to that ultrasound and see either no heartbeats, or just one.  But everything in me believes that I'm going to see 2 strong little babies in there.  And K is the one who almost seems upset that things are starting off so well.  He's the one who's acutely aware of how this is mirroring the last pregnancy and he's terrified that history will repeat itself.

We had a talk about it last night.  I want this pregnancy to mirror the last one.  Why?  Because up until that last day, it was an extremely healthy pregnancy.  Growth was perfect, nice and strong, everything wonderful.  And what ended it was a complete fluke, very unlikely to happen again.

When I lost the girls, I felt like I had robbed myself of the months I was pregnant.  I kept myself pretty guarded until we fully crossed over into the second trimester.  I didn't indulge in anything baby related because I kept in the back of my mind "it's too early, don't go overboard".  And when the pregnancy ended, I felt like I had prevented myself from enjoying what I had while I had it.

I'm very aware that this pregnancy might end any minute.  That every trip to the bathroom has the potential of showing me the signs of miscarriage.  And yet, somehow, I'm just not feeling it.  I'm completely unprepared for anything to go wrong because everything feels so right.

I'm being obnoxious.  I'm not even 5 weeks along and I'm signing up for pregnancy forums and stuff.  For all I know, I'm only going to get to enjoy this for days, weeks, hours even, so I'm going to enjoy each and every minute as if I'm ignorant of the risks.  For the moment, I have every reason to believe that I'm going to be a mom to twins, so that's the premise I'm working under until I'm proven wrong.

K said he's going to try to join me.  I really hope he succeeds because this new dynamic of us switching personalities is really discombobulating.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Tears I actually want

I've been weeping for the last 10 minutes or so.  I can't help it.

I know that I don't have proof yet.  I know that I can't get my heart set on anything.  But the numbers are the same.  I felt 2 distinct hard twinges, 12 hours apart during the implantation period, in different quadrants.

And I just can't get over the fact that it feels like I'm getting what I've so desperately wanted for the last 10 months.

I feel like I'm getting a do-over.

Isn't that exactly what every miscarriage mama wants more than anything else in life?  A do-over?  And I thought I could never feel like I had one because a twin pregnancy is so rare, mine would be the first in my family, that I would never truly get one.  I might get another pregnancy, I might eventually have 2 kids, but I wouldn't actually get a do-over.

And I'm just so overwhelmed.  The numbers are just too exactly the same.

I don't know how long until the shoe drops.  But at this moment, I'm so grateful, and feeling unworthy of an opportunity like this.

12dp5dt beta number

Today was a big day for me.  I really wanted a certain number to come up because it would give me more hope that twins were a reasonable possibility.

Let's review.  In my twin pregnancy, my numbers look like this:

9dp5dt = 266
11dp5dt = 600 something
13dp5dt = 1500 something

Unfortunately, I had some commitments yesterday so I wasn't able to get a blood draw and really look apples to apples at the numbers.  So, kind of figuring out the math, I kind of figured that 12dp5dt should be somewhere around 1,000 to be consistent with last time.  So for direct comparison, here are the numbers so far for this pregnancy:

9dp5dt = 265
12dp5dt = 1038

Gee, that's pretty much EXACTLY in line with my twins, no?

And now I enter another 2ww where I simply have to trust that things are going as they are supposed to be going.  No more official updates until my 7 week ultrasound.  I really wish I could keep getting betas, or get ultrasounds earlier, just SOMETHING to check in with how things are going every couple of days.

My 7 week day actually falls on Thanksgiving and it's no surprise that they don't do anything at the clinic that is not absolutely necessary to do that day.  So I will be getting my ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving.  I thought that was awesome but as I'm writing this, I'm reconsidering.  Of course I'm hoping that I'll see 2 heartbeats and thus have wonderful news to share at Thanksgiving dinner.

But now that I'm realizing how arrogant that thinking was (of course it will be great news to share!), it now occurs to me that it might mean I have devastating news that could ruin the holiday.  What if there are no heartbeats?  I sure ruined Christmas last year, am I going to ruin Thanksgiving this year?  Holidays are not my friends.

For the moment, I've got exactly what I want.  Please, please, please, let me continue to be able to say that for the next 8 months!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Baby Name Captchas

I've decided that my snarky little ongoing comments (captcha baby names, growing list of snarky comebacks) are going to be posted on Google plus from now on.  Partly because I don't think an entire blog post needs to be written for a baby captcha name and partly because I want more action going on over at Google plus.

So follow me on Google plus to get my infertility/pregnancy/baby one liners.

Very early pregnancy symptoms

When I was a kid, I was one hell of a hypochondriac.  When I was in Jr High, the school nurse even called me out on it.  And ever since, I'm almost afraid to admit to any physical discomforts for fear that I'm imagining them or somehow exaggerating them in my mind.  So I'm often asking the people closest to me "am I really this tired?"  "Am I running a little slower than usual or am I imagining it?"

And considering how many of us infertiles have studied up on very early pregnancy symptoms in the desperate hope that we can manufacture them into being, I'm very shy to say that I'm having pregnancy symptoms so early.

But I am.

I'm 10dp5dt or 15dpo.

I'm tired.  I took a nap today which I haven't done in quite a while.  Maybe it's because my Starbucks was decaf, but I don't think that was the only factor.

I'm spacey as all get out.  I'm only half aware of what's going on around me, and my social filter is just completely off.  I realize halfway through a sentence that what I'm saying is of no interest or relevance to the person I'm randomly blathering at.

My stomach is heavy.  Especially when laying on my side.  It feels like it's being unnaturally pulled towards the bed.

When I stand up, there's something pinched in my abdomen that kind of hurts as it restretches itself out.

Starting to get a little bit nauseous at night.  It's not horrible, just like a light car sickness.  I didn't puke at all with my girls so I'm really surprised to have any nausea hitting me this early.  I slept with my hair back in braids last night and a bucket bedside in case of sudden pukage.

I'm cold.  I never get cold but now I'm cold and huddling up under the covers at night.

I'm irritable.  K is a wonderful guy, but he kind of sucks at telling stories.  He focuses on pointless details at the beginning of the story, pausing to try to remember them, and 5 minutes in, I'm still waiting to get to the meat of what it is he's telling me about.  I've really been snapping at him today when he does this, and other times too.  I'm not being very nice.

The boobs are a little sore, if I push them around to see if they're sore.  But since I never really push them around when I don't think I'm pregnant, I don't know if they're more sore than usual, or if they just don't like being pushed around.

I'm friggin hungry.  I normally snack all day and never really feel hungry, but I'm really feeling it now.  I woke up just starving this morning.  And all of my meals are about double in size what I would normally eat.

  • Food tip 1 - get a whole bunch of protein bite type foods.  We got beef jerky, pepperoni sticks (yes, I'm allowed to eat these), baby bell cheeses, mozzarella whips, stuff like that.  Cuz when I'm HUNGRY, I ain't wasting time cooking, I just need to grab and eat.
  • Food tip 2 - when you do make a dinner, make enough for a lot of leftovers.  A serving of casserole hits the spot just right in that new meal you have to eat between lunch and dinner.

Guys, I'm feeling more pregnant, much earlier, than I did with the girls.  I'm actually starting to get really nervous that I might have more than 2 in here and I might have to make some hard decisions.  I can't carry more than 2.  We already know that I'm almost certainly going to get gestational diabetes.  And a healthy pregnancy with more than twins is so rare, I just can't handle the risks.  Please pray to whatever you believe in to give me 2 healthy fetuses and if there are more at the moment, to please have nature make the decision for me naturally before I know of their existence via ultrasound.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

H1 Cleared - Beta 1

I've just cleared my first hurdle.  I've got my first beta number.  And here's what's really freaky, that number is 265.  On this day with my twins, my beta was 266.


It is actually, realistically possible that this blog can reclaim its original purpose - to document the experience of first time parents to twins.

Ok, the dream isn't realized yet.  We still have a few more hurdles to get through (more betas over the week) before we can see on an ultrasound if we're looking at 1 or 2.  Next hurdle is on Sunday, Nov 6 with the next beta numbers.

But for right now, right this moment, it's still realistic that it might actually be twins again.  And even if it's not, I'm very definitely, firmly pregnant at the moment.

And I think this bears repeating -

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Staring at sticks

It's almost like if I don't check in on things every couple of hours, they might disappear.  So I just keep peeing on sticks to make sure shit's still happening in there.  And then I agonize over whether or not the line looks lighter or fainter than the last test.

I think we had a decent showing on day 4, it kind of faded a bit on day 5, and now it's starting to come back on days 6 and 7.  So maybe we had some splitters in there that are now reducing to a reasonable number of babies.    That would be really swell.  I desperately want twins, but I don't want to be in the position of choosing which two I'm going to keep due to selective reduction.

Of course, this is all just WILD conjecture.  A girl's gotta keep herself occupied!  Here is the stick pile I've been looking at.  Feel free to come up with your own theories as to what's happening in my uterus.  Oh don't judge me, several of you have this very same collection, I'm just admitting it.

Other early symptoms reports:

My dreams are going nuts.  Last night I was on some major cruise, I think for someone's wedding.  Somehow we got side tracked through the streets of Belgium so I was trying to capture video on my cell phone of all the decorated streets our cruise ship was going through.  It was like some weird multidimensional thing where we weren't just seeing the buildings like we were standing at the side of the ship, but rather we were inside the ship and it's like everything was being brought directly into the room with us.  For the record, I've never been to Belgium, I have desire to ever go to Belgium, I don't know why I was interpreting all the Christmas decorated streets as being Belgium, or why the hell I was on a cruise ship to begin with.

Last night's pee breaks came at 3:25am and 7am.  Good times.

I'm HUNGRY!!!  Usually a white mocha and a small pastry will last me until dinner, but that is just so not happening right now.  I've only been up for 2 hours and I'm already eating my second small meal of the day.  K finally made my long awaited for Chili-ghetti for dinner last night and I'm chowing down on leftovers.  With all the cheese and beans and beef, it's a major protein punch.  I put it away in small containers last night specifically so I would have a "go-to" meal staple for a couple of days.

I have little motivation to do anything right now.  I'm forcing myself to do pottery because I'm really behind on my quota and the deadline is, oh, now, but I'm just not wanting to do anything.  I'm even going to bed early, not so much because I'm tired, but rather because I'm bored.

I definitely have pregnancy gut.  I've been a little bloated all along and there's an almost constant tension in there.  It's very mild, but just kind of a constant reminder that I have an abdomen.

PS - K isn't in a celebrating mood.  I keep saying "I'm pregnant" and he keeps saying "I hope so!"  Poo head.  So I'm just gonna boogie on my own.