My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Swapping roles

I'm usually pretty guarded.  So many times I've gotten my hopes up and had them dashes so I practically live by the philosophy of don't get your hopes up, don't get disappointed.  I assume disaster until proven otherwise.

K is the opposite.  He's the one who assumes the best outcome until he's proven wrong.

And for the whole period of time between losing the girls and gaining whoever I've got cooking in there, I've been prepared to keep myself completely cold and distant until the age of viability.  Don't get attached, don't get hurt.

Wow, that is so not happening.  Ok, it is, but it's happening to K instead of me.  I'm bouncing off of walls.  I know intellectually that I might get to that ultrasound and see either no heartbeats, or just one.  But everything in me believes that I'm going to see 2 strong little babies in there.  And K is the one who almost seems upset that things are starting off so well.  He's the one who's acutely aware of how this is mirroring the last pregnancy and he's terrified that history will repeat itself.

We had a talk about it last night.  I want this pregnancy to mirror the last one.  Why?  Because up until that last day, it was an extremely healthy pregnancy.  Growth was perfect, nice and strong, everything wonderful.  And what ended it was a complete fluke, very unlikely to happen again.

When I lost the girls, I felt like I had robbed myself of the months I was pregnant.  I kept myself pretty guarded until we fully crossed over into the second trimester.  I didn't indulge in anything baby related because I kept in the back of my mind "it's too early, don't go overboard".  And when the pregnancy ended, I felt like I had prevented myself from enjoying what I had while I had it.

I'm very aware that this pregnancy might end any minute.  That every trip to the bathroom has the potential of showing me the signs of miscarriage.  And yet, somehow, I'm just not feeling it.  I'm completely unprepared for anything to go wrong because everything feels so right.

I'm being obnoxious.  I'm not even 5 weeks along and I'm signing up for pregnancy forums and stuff.  For all I know, I'm only going to get to enjoy this for days, weeks, hours even, so I'm going to enjoy each and every minute as if I'm ignorant of the risks.  For the moment, I have every reason to believe that I'm going to be a mom to twins, so that's the premise I'm working under until I'm proven wrong.

K said he's going to try to join me.  I really hope he succeeds because this new dynamic of us switching personalities is really discombobulating.


  1. I think that the feel positive until proven otherwise philosophy you've taken on is Great! I was so scared to death the entire time I was pregnant with the twins I never stopped to enjoy it. Almost every ultrasound filled me with dread, I bought baby stuff at the last minute, without joy or excitement. And in the long run, all that fear and anxiety was totally pointless. I had a healthy, text book twin pregnancy.

    Now I say, to heck with it! Enjoy it! If it lasts 5 weeks, 5 months, or 40 weeks, I want to enjoy whatever time I get. I even want to enjoy the 2ww. It is probably the last time I'll ever get to do this. Bring it on! :)

  2. That is exactly how I feel. When it happens I want to enjoy every min of it. I kinda feel stupid saying that cuz I haven't been through much to make me more anxious. I am so happy you are so positive!

  3. While I think it's great that you are FINALLY happy about SOMETHING, I think it's a shame that you were so cruel in the past, when it came to other pregnant women. How would you feel now, if someone says they hate you because of your pregnancy? Remember that song, Pregnant Women Are Smug?

  4. I completely think I am going to be the same as you! After my loss, I vowed never to get happy in a pregnancy, I didn't want a shower, I didn't want to buy anything,etc.

    But now that I am trying to conceive, I can not wait until I am pregnant and enjoy it! I already know the worse that can happen and I know I will be nervous but I won't deny myself the happiness that pregnant women should have!!

    Congrats! And be easy on K.....


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