My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, November 21, 2011

My Natural Pessimism

Oh, THERE you are attitude of mine!  I've been wondering where you've been.  I was so happy pappy that I thought you might have abandoned me.

The last few days I've been filled with my usual fear and pessimism.  Here are the "symptoms" that are sending me to doom and gloom land.

  • Putting in my endometrin - it used to hit resistance that was a bit sore which I would imagine was the closed cervix.  The last few days, it doesn't seem to be hitting anything and it's going in a little farther.
  • I'm not waking up nearly as starving as I had been.
  • I've been feeling a little oogy, but the morning sickness has calmed down.  The queasy hasn't disappeared, it's just not the issue it was beginning to be.
Last night really freaked me the hell out.  I woke up at 3am (why do these things always happen at 3am?) and I was getting some cramps.  Nothing horrible, just the kind that send you to the bathroom to either poop or fart to relieve.  The problem is that they kept rolling over me for an hour.  It felt like a very miniature version of the labor I went through with the girls.  I'd try to have a bm, head back to bed, within a few minutes of lying down, I'm back in the bathroom with the same cramps again.

Around 4am, I woke up K to keep me company.  This had been going on for an hour, he didn't have to work today, and I was lonely and scared.  

I finally evacuated a very soft but significant bm and for the most part, that was the end of it.  K and I stayed up for about an hour watching Dog Whisperer before I tried going back to sleep.  We are really hoping that all of that was caused by the pizza we had delivered for dinner.

The only scary symptom I haven't had is blood.  I've been checked out since the last time I had any type of bleeding and things were fine, and I haven't seen any since then.  

Oh, by the way, for those of you who freak out like me - don't eat beets. They turn your urine somewhat red as well as your poo and when you're studying everything that comes out of you for signs of red, that's just a cruel joke you're playing on yourself.

But I can't help but think that I could very well be one of those people who goes in for their ultrasound and find that the fetus stopped growing a week ago and there's no heartbeat.  My brain seems to have decided to accept and prepare that this is exactly what's going to happen on Wednesday.


I emailed my "symptoms" to my nurse and they are going out of their way to get me seen as soon as possible which turns out to be tomorrow at noon rather than the appointment I already had for the following day.  They aren't getting me in all quick because they sense some emergency, but rather as a courtesy to make the paranoid freak feel better.

She checked with the doctor and he says that the cervix thing, yeah, that wouldn't happen.  I'm pretty much imagining that one (YAY!).  The rolling cramps are a bit of a concern, but I've had that before when I wasn't pregnant, K has had that, so it's reasonable to hope it was just bad pizza.  As for the not waking up starving like I was and not being as sick as I was, maybe a concern, maybe just fluctuating  symptoms that are perfectly normal.

So I'm generally doing the "ultra paranoid, going to drive doctors nuts" thing.  During the first trimester, there's always a 50/50 chance that there's reason to be afraid and a 50/50 chance that it's stupid to be afraid.  I warned my doctors that the happy go lucky, just chill and trust that it's ok, chick that they met last time was gone and boy was I right about that!

However, if something is wrong, I would like more than 24hrs to deal with it before doing a major family holiday.  I'm feeling hopeless, ridiculous, completely silly, and scared all at the same time.


  1. Oh, Sweetie...hugs to you and your muddled brain. I hope that everything continues to go smoothly so that all of your fears can be proven unneeded later on.

  2. I really hope you get some awesome news tomorrow to give you some peace of mind for the holiday! Best of luck!

  3. I hope that this ultrasound allows you to relax. I've had breaks in my symptoms that are freaking me out as well...then they will come back...and go again. It's maddening! I wish I could get a visit with Mr wandy the dildocam, but it wouldn't have anything reassuring to tell me anyway :( Gah! The second 2ww is driving me insane.

  4. Hi, lurker from Babycenter July 2012 Birth Club here, wishing you the best today at your U/S.


  5. Hoping all will be well with you.


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