My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

A state of transition

It's been a busy couple of weeks!  Let's get updated.

I got that job that I talked about in my last post so I am now officially employed part time.  I've only worked 2 days so far, but it seems to be going well.  At the same time, I'm also trying to do a few hours of the work at home job per week.  And still at the same time, a shop owner contacted me about doing some wholesale for my pottery, so I've been producing like crazy to fill her first order.

For about a week, any minute that K was home, I was in the studio making mugs.  I have missed that so much!  It's one of those things that you forget how important it is to you until you start doing it again.  But now that the spark is back, I don't really have time to do it.  Fortunately this shop owner is talking about a Valentines order, a Mothers Day order, etc etc.  I found that with this first order, it took me only a couple of days to get it all made, but now I have to sit and wait for it all to dry before I can do the next step.  So I'm hoping that every 2-3 months, I'll have an order that takes about 3 solid days of work to fulfill like this one.  But we'll have to see how well things sell in her shop before we start seriously talking about future orders.

Scheduling has become a major issue around here.  K works retail so his schedule is never consistent.  On top of that, the way things work at his store have changed, primarily delivery times and frequency and other managers going on vacation, so just as I'm trying to establish some sort of schedule with my new job, everything we knew about his scheduling patterns have been thrown out the window and things are in too much of a state of flux to establish a new pattern.  This is totally stressing me out.  My boss is flexible which is great, but I can't even give him some sort of pattern to flex around.  Never knowing what days I can work the following week until we're right on top of it, well I'm nervous that the patience for this isn't going to last very long since my new boss doesn't know my value as an employee well enough to put up with it indefinitely.

Anyway, this all culminated into about a week or two where I was running like crazy and the girls and I barely saw each other.  It was kind of refreshing for me, rushing around accomplishing things, having responsibilities other than what the girls want of me at any given moment.  I've started feeling like a person again rather than just a lump that serves food.  It's also making me more interactive in the time I do have with them.

However, Middie Biddie isn't handling the change very well.  She's always been somewhat clingy and I think these periods of absence are giving her some separation anxiety.  She's crying a lot more during times that I need to tend to TT (like diaper changes).  K says that yesterday morning she was crying at our bedroom door, he thinks because usually when he gets them up, he's letting me sleep in a little bit and he thinks she thought that's where I was.

Last night was just awful.  She cried and screamed at bedtime and for a long time after lights out.  Usually when we put them into their cribs, Teeny Tiny snuggles down and is happy, Middie Biddie protests and cries.  We leave the room and within a minute she stops crying and starts singing or babbling.  Sometimes TT will join her and it turns into a giggling slumber party for a while.  Then TT gets tired and lies down to go to sleep leaving MB alone so MB starts crying.  Or if there hasn't been a party, MB will sing and babble to herself for about 45 minutes before starting to cry.  We check on her to make sure she hasn't pood (she does that at nap time, as soon as she relaxes, she poos, and then she gets a rash).  How she responds to the diaper check is what informs us about how to handle her not sleeping.  Usually, she's very smug and wants to chat and has a perfectly dry diaper.  In other words, she won.  We give her a minute or two of snuggles, tell her it's night night and she either goes right to sleep, or she cries until she figures out it won't work a second time.

But last night was different.  Her crying last night wasn't her trying to manipulate, it was genuine fear and distress.  So I spent about 4 hours trying to find the balance between not teaching her that manipulation will work, while at the same time calming her distress.  When I would go in and hold her, it would take her a couple of minutes to calm down (with manipulation, she's fine the moment one of us enters the room).  She would flop on me and start to relax but kept holding onto me.  The moment I would try to put her into the crib, she would scream just as stressed as before.  So until she finally passed out after midnight, I spent the night pacing around trying to figure out if I should let her fade out and it just might take a while, or go into a cycle of soothing then distress, soothing then distress, which would ultimately last a lot longer.  I ended up with the latter because I decided that fear of abandonment wasn't going to be cured by being abandoned.

I just put them to bed and it sounds like it's going to be the same tonight.*

In happier developments, itsy bitsy spider has become a number one hit.  TT keeps asking "again???" when I do it, and the other day MB busted out with "one more time!"  I laughed for quite a while from surprise on that one.

*Update!  She screamed a bit and after a few minutes, I got on the monitor and told her that I was here, and I needed her to snuggle down so I could sing the night night song again.  It took her a minute to believe me, but she sat down.  I told her to put her head on the pillow so I could sing.  She did, I did.  Didn't hear another peep out of her!!!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The dial goes to 11

Oh good lord!  It's like someone flipped a switch and girls suddenly realized they are 2 and must begin acting like it!

Everything around me seems to be flipping on its ear.  K is job/career hunting.  Fortunately he's safe where he is, but he's ready to try to find more.

At the same time, I'm trying to find some significant part time work.  I've found a legit work at home job that allows me to work a little bit, but of course it's difficult to work when the girls want my attention and due to security issues, I'm not supposed to do the work in public places (like a coffee

shop).  So while it seemed like a perfect solution, it's working out to be a "meh" solution.  I may have stumbled onto a solution to that today.  When I went to a coffee shop that has free daycare, the antivirus on my phone asked if I wanted to download an add on that would allow a secure connection.  I'm checking that out and if it works, it means I'll be able to take the girls down to the Y or to the grocery store, take advantage of an hour or so of free daycare while I sit in connected lobbies and coffee shops to work.  I also had a phone interview yesterday with an in person interview next week.  It seems very promising.  About 15 hours a week, flexible schedule, keep your fingers crossed.

As for the girls, I don't even know where to start.  I guess we'll start with language.  Teeny Tiny has exploded with language, able to identify just about everything around her, make requests (againnnn???? so cute) and is generally understanding a lot more.  Middie Biddie is still more of a singer than a speaker, but individual words are starting to creep into her vocabulary.

They are no longer satisfied in the house.  Well, at least Middie Biddie isn't.  She goes to the gates and cries and just wants out.  I think there are a couple of things going on with her.  The first and most obvious, she's simply bored and wants to explore all the things we've prevented her from exploring thus far.

The other may not be quite as obvious but possibly bigger problem is the whole introvert/extrovert thing.  I really think Middie Biddie wants to simply have some time to herself, to focus on a toy, to interact with one person on her terms.  However, she has this extroverted twin that's making these desires very difficult.  The moment she looks at anything, her sister comes barreling over to see and take what it is she finds so interesting.  MB will be happily playing with a toy and Teeny Tiny will run over and give her a ball and practically sit on top of her to get her to play.  MB simply gets no peace.  She can't even sit in a chair without TT coming over to sit on top of her in it.

Our house is basically one giant room with a couple of bedrooms.  I'm not comfortable letting the girls play behind a closed door because that means someone doesn't have my eyes on them.  So that means that anywhere MB can get to, so can TT.  For an introvert, this is kind of a nightmare.  I get it, I understand her problem and what has her so stressed all the time, but I haven't figured out how to solve it.

We now have to completely redo the structure of the house.  MB climbed over a gate today meaning everything that we had safely outside of the gates is now fair game and the gates have to come down.  So the first thing we've done is start reorganizing and baby proofing the kitchen.  This became necessary because MB will just scream at the gate until we let her go in to explore.  It's been a very messy week.  We've done our best to move all of the plastic items to reachable shelves and drawers and all of the breakable, sharp, and heavy items up out of reach.  I hardly know how to function in there at the moment.

The other thing we've done is to curtain off my office/girls play room.  I'm kind of hoping that this will allow MB to kind of escape out of sight out of mind style and get a little bit of peace from TT.  We just put the curtain up last night and I took the girls out for most of their morning, so they haven't really figured it out yet.  There were some peekaboo games with it, we'll see how it goes.

Teeny Tiny had a rough week of teething at least one of her second year molars.  About 4 days of just screaming in pain, drool dripping from her mouth, the occasional drop of blood from her gums.  It was just awful.  But she seems to have survived and is much better now!

Behavior wise, they are changing again.  Becoming much more frustrating.  Throwing things when they're mad, that kind of thing.  We're at the beginning of a very long discipline learning curve.  Things were pretty easy before last month because they had a desire to cooperate.  Just show them what you want and they would want it too.  That's no longer the case.  We don't even get snuggles at bedtime anymore, they spend 20 minutes giggling and chasing each other around the room while we sit and watch them burn off the energy.  The real work of parenting toddlers begins.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

It's not that I don't have time

My issue is that I don't have time I can count on.  I never know when toddlers are going to become unsatisfied with whatever they are doing and suddenly be on me, pulling my hands away from the computer, upset that it's taking 2 whole seconds to climb into my lap.

I feel like I spend my whole day sitting at my desk, just waiting to be needed for something.  I don't feel like I can get up and actually do anything, because the moment I do, toddlers are really upset that I'm doing something.  It's like a receptionist job, the kind where you have nothing to actually do all day, but you have to be there the moment the phone rings.  Then at the end of the day, you look at all of the time you spent playing solitaire and you feel like crap that you weren't doing something productive.  But how can you when you need to be sitting right there waiting for the phone to ring?

Right now, I would love to spend some time in the laundry room getting some pottery glazed so it can go into the kiln for final firing.  It's been sitting there for months.  I don't feel like I can leave the main part of the house long enough to do anything.  If it's not absolutely necessary to the function of the house (like getting some dishes done or food prepared), I don't feel like I'm allowed to leave them to their own devices long enough to actually do it.

Are we allowed to do that with 2 year olds?  Let them play in a safe space alone while being in a different room?  Am I making this too hard?

I've been working on getting a work at home job doing search engine evaluation work.  In the last few weeks that I've been trying to qualify, I've found how hard it is to even get started.  Any time I try to log in and do a little work, I get a child grabbing my arms to pull them away and then crying when I resist.  So I log out and get up to interact with the child, and now the child doesn't want anything to do with me.  So I log back in, rinse and repeat.  Then I'll sit here and do something to waste a little time just waiting for the next toddler call, like facebook or something, and that toddler call will never come.  I'll realize that 45 minutes has gone by in which I COULD have been accomplishing something but I never even got started because I kept expecting to be interrupted immediately if I did.

At the end of the day, I look back on it and feel like all I did was waste time.  How many facebook hours have I logged because I didn't think my kids would allow me the attention span to do anything else?  Far too many.  What can I do differently to be more productive?  I have no idea.

Our financial situation is becoming dire again because our lives cost approximately twice what we bring in.  My video jobs have dried up (the company I was getting jobs through seems to have switched their business model so I'm no longer getting notices of one day jobs I could claim like I did before) and as I've been job hunting, I haven't found anything that worked the correct hours so I could actually take some of my paycheck home rather than just pay for the daycare necessary to get to the job.

I'm frustrated, feeling useless and pointless, scared about money, and feel completely unable to change anything to make it better.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


What comes out of their mouths:  What they mean.

Naked Baby:  It's time for a bath!  Can we have a bath now please please please?!?!?!  We're gonna pitch a royal fit when you go into the bathroom to run that bath without us you know.

Gwish:  It's fucking hot in here.  Get out that spray bottle, let's sit in front of the AC and make it rain Mom.

Ah Dun:  I realize I look like Einstein but stop trying to brush my hair!  No!  No clips or bobby pins!  I don't want to be able to see!!!  Now look at what you've done.  I'm on the floor screaming!

Shoes:  It's time to go outside, I love going outside!  Until I'm outside, then it sucks.

Boom Boom:  I want to sit in your leg while you sing the bump bump song and bounce me wildly.  Halfway through a bump, I'm going to decide I'm done and slide off your leg.

Tie-ee Uh Tie:  It's tidy up time!  Here's the game plan.  Middie Biddie, you gather every small thing within walking distance and put it in this container.  Teeny Tiny, when she gets the last one in, you dump it all out.  And go!

Uppy:  Dog (puppy).  Not funny, but it's really cute when she says it.

Buhsh!:  I want my toothbrush!  It's my favorite toy EVER!!!!!  (Seriously, what's up with this?  All day, she wants a toothbrush and actually uses it for her teeth.  The appearance of a toothbrush will stop almost any tantrum.  We have a dozen of them floating around the house in various states of cleanliness at this point)

Book:  Here Mom, you need a solid thing of cardboard to hit you in the face.  Oh don't bother reading it, I'm off to get another one!

Middie Biddie - Ahhhhhhhhhh (deep breath)  AHHHHHHHHH:  Teeny Tiny stole my fill in the blank.  AGAIN!

Teeny Tiny - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh:  I am displeased by one of the oxygen molecules I just inhaled.  It must be remedied immediately and I will be screaming until said oxygen molecule is no longer residing within my body.