My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The end of an era

With the turn of the new year, the company I occasionally worked for making small business videos has upgraded the specs on the deliverables.  I have a shoot in a couple of days and while I thought I was already in compliance with the new specs, it turns out I'm not.  It would take some equipment upgrades to be able to produce what they now require.

Oh sure, it would probably only take about $300 to get the part necessary to patch my old system so I could keep going, but it's not worth it.  My schedule is so full now that fitting in video gigs has been difficult.  It's also been rare that they've offered a gig within 50 miles of me.

Looking at the tax forms they sent me, it turns out I made more selling pottery than I did working in video last year.  Considering how little I make selling pottery, well that says a lot.

I'll call the company that I've been working for since 2007, let them know what's up and have them reassign my shoot this week.  Then I guess I'll have them drop me from their database unless they tell me they've got 10x as many gigs lined up this year as they did last year, but I doubt they're going to tell me that.  Maybe I'll just stay in the database and have their emails forward to trash so I don't have to feel all horrible about not being able to accept the jobs and then if the equipment I need magically falls into my lap, I can pick back up, but again, I'm not holding my breath.

I have two outdated professional grade cameras, one that only shoots SD and one that shoots HD (but I don't have a means of transferring the footage to my computer for editing).  I'm considering selling them both before they lose even more trade in value.  Not sure I can emotionally handle that kind of finality on the subject so I'll probably stupidly let them sit in the closet gathering dust until they start going up in antique value.

So there you have it, videographer is officially dropping from my career identity.  I guess I'm now a Twin Mom, Part Time Office Manager, and Part Time Potter.  I suppose that list will have to be long enough.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Empathy

It's been almost a month since I last wrote and we've passed through the turn of another new year.  Last year it was all about me stepping out of various comfort zones.  This year, we focus on upgrading K's happiness by hopefully finding him a new job/career.  To kick this off, we spent our date night last night shopping for a new wardrobe that's more business oriented.  Partially because he needs business appropriate clothing for interviews, partly because his wardrobe was becoming threadbare anyway.

In toddler news, Middie Biddie has got a case of the Empathies.

Yesterday, we gave the girls their breakfast and were sitting down to eat ours.  K peeled a banana for us grown ups to eat within sight of Teeny Tiny and she started to get really upset.  Of course, she already had banana on her plate, but that didn't matter.  There was a banana to be had and it wasn't being given to her!  Oh noes!  So she starts crying, and sitting next to her is Middie Biddie.  She kept looking over the TT, got a sad look on her face, and her eyes started to fill up with tears until a few escaped.  This wasn't "pay attention to me!!!" kind of toddler crying, but rather a silent overwhelming sad because her sister was upset.  It happened again today when I had to take the snack cup away from TT as I was putting her down for her nap.

I'm kind of torn about this because it's just so sad to see her sad, on the other hand, it's also heartwarming to see how much she cares for her sister.

I think the girls recently development leaped again, it seems a bit more communication and skills have popped up.  TT's new hobby is making trails throughout the house and she's very insistent on feeding anyone she can reach.

We've rearranged some of the furniture in our house so things make more sense than they used to.

I guess I haven't been writing much because there isn't much to report!  We're plugging along, starting the long process of upgrading our lives by trying to upgrade K's career, it's all just slowly moving up.

Monday, December 22, 2014

The curse of Dec 21 and 22

This time of year is cursed.  It just is.  It's like the purge where if you get through these couple of days intact, you get to survive another year.

My cousin just informed via facebook that they have lost their pregnancy.  A colleague is suffering through the day that is not only the 4 month anniversary of her sons passing via SIDS, but it is also the day that marks that he has now been gone just as long as he was here on earth.

And of course, it's my 4 year anniversary.  I didn't actually notice that as the 21st and 22nd passed.  I was reminded when I saw my cousins facebook post and went "oh wow, I can't believe it's the same time of year as ....oh wait, did I already pass the anniversary?  Holy crap, how did I not notice that?"

I've been irritable the last few days. Restless, just feeling unsatisfied in general.  I thought it was a hormonal thing since I'm having my period and as someone who never really had those before, I get hit pretty hard emotionally by the hormones when I do.  Maybe I was being depressed because it's the anniversary even though I didn't consciously remember that it is.

So now I'm going to have a good cry.  Let the guilt of forgetting smack me around a little bit and give some focus to the depression I've had the last few days.  Then I'll pick myself back up, tell myself I shouldn't feel guilty about forgetting since no one is hurt by my forgetting.

Then I'll probably do something to spoil the girls and celebrate those I lost by spoiling the ones I didn't.  Maybe we'll do something completely obnoxious on this day every year so that it becomes a good day.  Maybe a "winter solstice celebration by having brownies for dinner" or something.  So I'll be a day late this year.  They won't notice.  And brownie covered toddler faces make for great pictures.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Pictures to remember

Just depositing a few things here that I want to remember about recent weeks.

We set up the Christmas tree.  The girls weren't at all interested in the tree but enjoyed the garlands.  They played balance beam, pull the sister, and sparkly necklace with them.

   

Snuggles with Daddy.

  



Climb Mount Mommy!

  




We attempted Christmas portraits again this year.  It did not go smoothly.  We should have had Benny Hill music running the whole time.  Middie Biddie just totally wasn't into the whole picture thing so we have several of Teeny Tiny that are actually really cute, but very few where Middie Biddie is presentable.  A sampling of the cute, some because of smiles and some because of humor (credit and thanks as always to my wonderful photographer friend Sarah at Triskele Photo) -

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Finally got Middie Biddie to smile, but also got her awkward and flashing
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A couple of family shots where we almost kinda had everyone smiling and looking comfortable.

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Screw it, we're not meant for formal portraits.  The winning family portrait of 2014 is......

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Happy Holidays everyone!