My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Well, here I go again

First time in my life I've ever had a normal cycle.  I ovulated on day 14, we took full advantage.  I crossed my fingers that maybe, just maybe, if this is a real cycle for a change, maybe we can get a freebie.

I stared at more negative pregnancy tests in the last week than should be allowable by law, and I've done my damnedest to force a second line to appear by using my magical powers of staring and squinting.
It's day 28 of that cycle.  I don't think this is implantation bleeding.


Start taking meds for an FET round tomorrow.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Not a good day

We're coming up near the due date and for the last couple of months, I've been doing about as well as can be expected.

But oh my lordy did it hit me last night.  Just wave after wave of crying and not fair and my life is just wrong right now.

And I'm sobbing to my hubby about how things are supposed to be right now, how my body is supposed to be, and I'm supposed to be sitting on the couch waiting for those first "it's time" twitches and instead I'm preparing for a job interview.  And his response "I can't go there".  I just screamed at him "Well aren't you the f'ing lucky one who gets to choose whether or not you go there.  I'm f'ing living there!"

Don't tell me not to think about it.  These waves of unhappy are something that's happening TO me, not something I'm doing.  And don't tell me that everything will be ok.  Every frigging test we took during the pregnancy said that everything was fine and dandy and then we shocked everyone by suddenly ending up in the ER.  No one will ever be able to convince me that everything is ever fine and dandy again!  That's what it was last time and it was a lie!

And here's a recap of my morning today -

7:30am - my first ever mammogram.  Had to do it because my IVF clinic merged with another clinic and they have different protocals now and insist on a mam and pap before moving forward.  Burst into tears halfway through it.  It didn't hurt actually, I was surprised, but I just got overwhelmed and started crying.

8am - walk over to the IVF clinic to sign the paperwork for the FET we're starting next week and to get a blood draw to see if my prolactin levels are still within normal range.  I requested this test so that if they are funky again, we still have a week or so to address the issue before my next cycle.  2 more rounds of bursting into tears.  *update - prolactin and thryoid levels are normal.  YAY!!!!!*

9:30am - I'm at my OB in a room full of very pregnant women.  Start crying for the nth time in the last 12 hours and request to be taken to a non-pregnant woman room to wait.  Then my doc comes in.  Of course the last time I saw him was during my followup appointment after the MC.  So of course his face is a standard trigger.  We talk for quite a bit, get some advice, generally good patient/doctor conversation.  Of course no less than 3 separate waves of tears attack me during the chat.  And onto the table for the pap smear to satisfy the damn IVF people.

You know, because I haven't had enough people in my crotch over the last 12 months.  I should just get a tattoo on my upper thigh that reads "you could have at least bought me dinner first".  As long as every friggin nose in the state of Washington is going to be in my crotch before this is all over with, I may as well make some of them laugh while they're there.

So my face is red, my eyes are puffy, and I'm randomly crying every 20 minutes.

Yup, I predict good things at this interview at the temp agency in an hour.  I'm gonna look REAL hireable.

*update - not sure how to interpret how that interview went.  If they can get me some work 2 or 3 days at a time, it will be perfect.  But I was really not on top of my game so I have no idea if they just tossed my resume once I left.*

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Communication between the sexes

I'm seeing a lot of the same question come up over and over again.  In magazines, on support boards, just everywhere. 

How do I talk to my husband?  How is he over it already?  Why doesn't he GET IT?

I think the problem is that men and women are simply hardwired to think differently.  Here's how I see it.  And this isn't a judgment on which thought process is better, just an illustration of two different approaches.

Men think linear.  Women think circular.  Men are very focused.  Women are very vague.

I think what men don't understand is just how much translating we women do every single moment of our lives.  The world is designed to think linear.  It's how business is run, it's what we have the language for, and there's a logical progression.  It's very easy to justify a logical progression whereas vague and cloudy are frowned upon.  So every moment of every day, we ladies are constantly trying to take our vague circle and pound it out into a straight line before we open our mouths.

It's exhausting!!!

Men don't do this constant translating.  Why should they?  The world is designed to follow their thought patterns.  It's not that they don't want to put in the effort, it simply never occurs to them to do so.  And with no external cues saying that they should, well, it's no wonder that they just don't.  Just like how in Canada, a large portion of the population is fluent in both English and French, we Americans only speak English and it just doesn't occur to most of us to learn another language. 

Ladies, that is how men look upon our thinking patterns.  We're Canadian, we see and speak both languages everywhere we go.  They are only presented with one language, so it's the only one they speak.  We are fluent in both languages and don't give it a second thought.  They are not, and also don't give it a second thought.

Once both sides of the equation understand this, we can start to break it down and communicate with each other.

Men, some advice on how to help your woman through a rough time.  She's tired.  She can't translate for you.  She needs some of that vague, jump everywhere, circle around kind of conversation.  I know you don't see the benefit of this.  But even though we can't explain what it is, we do benefit from this style of communication.  This is what makes us feel closer to you when we've talked for three hours yet have still reached no conclusions.  Why we talk in circles and want you go on that conversation journey with us.

I realize this is foreign territory for you.  And I realize that in your mind, it's just opening up wounds and accessing a hurt that doesn't do anyone any good.  And with no logical conclusion, no solution to be reached, you don't see the point in doing it.  You probably won't get the same thing out of it that your woman is getting, it will probably be a sacrifice that will hurt you as you revisit sources of pain over and over again.

But if you want to support your woman through a hard time, this is what you have to do.  This is how you "be there" for her.  You listen to her ramblings.  You PARTICIPATE in the ramblings.  Don't know what to say?  Just narrate any thought that pops into your head.  It will be odd at first.  To go from thinking about what you saw in that hospital room, to how sad it made you, to you want a sammitch, and back to what it was like in that hospital again.  But do it.  She needs you to join her because she's already doing that.  And it's very lonely.

Look at that illustration again.  This is why we NEVER forget for a moment what's happened and why we are still dealing with it when you consider it done and gone.  Why we can be sitting on the couch, everything is fine, and then for no reason we get all upset again.  You are on topic yellow, red, blue, or green.  We are seeing every topic, all the time.  We can't turn off one thought and move on to another.  That's simply not how we're wired. 

Over time, as we gain more topics to think about, more colors get swirled.  The older colors might not circle back around as often, but they are still there and will likely circle back at some point and become the focus of another moment. 

That's enough of a lesson for today.  But I will leave you with one question that I just still can't figure out that answer to.

When I ask my husband "What are you thinking?" and he replies "Nothing."  Well, over the years I've come to trust that he's telling me the truth.  He's thinking absolutely nothing.  (the white spaces in the illustration)

So, men, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT???  Somebody please teach me this magic!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hell week's a-comin

We are coming up on what will probably be the most difficult week of all of this.  What we now are referring to as Hell Week.

May 1 - our anniversary.  We used to joke about the twins would probably come on this day just to make sure we pay attention to them and don't get a day every year to think about us as a couple.

May 2 - my birthday.  Cake with frosting that may as well spell out "Congratulations!  You're a year older and in a higher failure bracket!"

May 3 and 4 - We were hoping they would be born straddling midnight so everyone would get their own birthday.

May 5 - Hubby's birthday.  Want some of my leftover failure cake Sweetie?

May 7 - the day we would have induced if they hadn't been born yet.

May 8 - The first Mother's Day we were ever going to celebrate.

May 9 - appointment with the grief counselor assuming I'm not completely comatose by then.

And just to make sure we make it as difficult as possible, we've added an extra layer of complication.  As reported earlier, we think I ovulated around the 14th.  So that means that we should be pregnancy testing right around May 1, assuming AF doesn't answer the question for me.  If positive - all sorts of mixed emotions (mostly good, but still overwhelming).  If negative, I immediately start the medications to start an FET cycle.

I'll probably be curled up in the fetal position under the covers if anyone needs me.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Well, at least I didn't cry in her face

Had a video shoot tonight.  It was a party atmosphere and 2 of party goers were enjoying something I didn't get to enjoy.

They were sisters, huddled over an iphone looking at all the baby stuff they were going to get for the little peanut on the way.

She had that happy pregnant glow.  Probably near the end of the first trimester.  Large enough to be noticeable, but small enough that until she mentioned it, I was hoping it was just an oddly shaped muffin top.  But no, it was a growing little peanut.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to be giggly over shopping for a baby.  Probably not until the doctor tells me that if I were to deliver today, the baby would survive.  Maybe at that point I'll be able to shop with the idea that someone will use the stuff.  But until then, in the back of my mind, anything I buy would feel like a waste of money and just another thing to make me cry later.

I got through the shoot ok.  But when chatting with someone pregnant, you just want to talk about your own pregnancy, what you learned about being healthy, etc etc.  But you can't.  What are you going to say?  Clearly any advice from me is not the advice you want to take considering I didn't make it through the pregnancy.  And you don't want to even mention that you were pregnant because that begs the question about how many kids do you have, etc.  And in a party atmosphere, to a happy pregnant woman, the last thing you want to do is bring down the room and scare her.

I didn't get to do any of the fun part.  I didn't get to giggle and awww over baby stuff.  We kept ourselves kind of reigned in, knowing that one or both of my babies could disappear at some point.  No point in buying baby stuff when we were waiting to find out if we would need 2 of everything, or if I would lose one to VTS.

It was just a few days before I lost them that my SIL started talking about a baby shower and I finally felt like I could start indulging in happy baby stuff.  But that first conversation of "yay!  It's time to start planning a baby shower!" is as far as we got.

A normal female function

Well, according to the little test strips, I appear to be ovulating.  And it's happening 2 weeks after having a period.

What?  But how can this be?  Is my body actually functioning like a normal female this month?  Why golly gee, that would be the first normal female cycle my body has ever gone through!

We're taking full advantage of this rare occurrence and if my streak of horrible luck is over, perhaps something will come of it.  Fingers not crossed, hopes not getting up, and yet it's still gonna make for a pretty fun weekend regardless.  *wink wink* *nudge *nudge* *know whad I mean?*

Still expecting to start the hormone roller coaster in a couple of weeks in order to do an FET.  That's the plan.  But it sure would be nice if we got a lucky surprise that cancels those plans.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bladder Bloggin

Just out of curiosity, I do check the stats for this blog.  Basically just to see what people are googling that sends them here.

What have I discovered?  People are oddly interested in my bladder habits.  Most people who find me through google have searched for "pregnancy incontinence", "bedpan after ivf", or something along those lines.

My bladder is flattered by all the attention and sends it's kindest regards!

Well okey dokey folks.  As I've stated, I have no boundaries.  Whatever you wanna know, I'll tell you as plainly, as thoroughly, and as specifically as I'm able to.

So if anyone has any questions, please contact me and I'll be happy to answer them.  Seriously.  Whatever thought you're having, and if you wonder if someone else is thinking that, go ahead and ask me.  I'll tell you the truth as best I can.  Wanna know about various bodily fluids?  If I've had something similar, I'll be happy to share my experience with you.  Sex questions?  Well, a relative or two does read this blog, so I will be thorough in my answer, yet try to be respectful of hubby's privacy while managing the squick factor for the sake of the relatives.

Just need a stranger to vent at while flailing around trying to find some sort of support?  That's what I'm here for.

At the top of this blog there's a "contact Alex" page with a link to email me.  I'll respect your privacy.  Private conversations will be just between us, and questions that I reply to via the blog won't use your name or contact info.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Why is....

Viagra covered by health insurance but infertility treatments are not?

Isn't health insurance supposed to pay for the things that are fundamentally wrong in your body?  Isn't that kind of the whole point?

I'll agree that having children is a choice.  But so is getting laid.  We are biologically programmed to desire both, particularly since one leads to the other.

So why is it that fixing what's fundamentally broken in my body which would allow me to do what I'm biologically programmed to do considered optional, but fixing some old dudes dick is considered necessary for his health?