My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Not a good day

We're coming up near the due date and for the last couple of months, I've been doing about as well as can be expected.

But oh my lordy did it hit me last night.  Just wave after wave of crying and not fair and my life is just wrong right now.

And I'm sobbing to my hubby about how things are supposed to be right now, how my body is supposed to be, and I'm supposed to be sitting on the couch waiting for those first "it's time" twitches and instead I'm preparing for a job interview.  And his response "I can't go there".  I just screamed at him "Well aren't you the f'ing lucky one who gets to choose whether or not you go there.  I'm f'ing living there!"

Don't tell me not to think about it.  These waves of unhappy are something that's happening TO me, not something I'm doing.  And don't tell me that everything will be ok.  Every frigging test we took during the pregnancy said that everything was fine and dandy and then we shocked everyone by suddenly ending up in the ER.  No one will ever be able to convince me that everything is ever fine and dandy again!  That's what it was last time and it was a lie!

And here's a recap of my morning today -

7:30am - my first ever mammogram.  Had to do it because my IVF clinic merged with another clinic and they have different protocals now and insist on a mam and pap before moving forward.  Burst into tears halfway through it.  It didn't hurt actually, I was surprised, but I just got overwhelmed and started crying.

8am - walk over to the IVF clinic to sign the paperwork for the FET we're starting next week and to get a blood draw to see if my prolactin levels are still within normal range.  I requested this test so that if they are funky again, we still have a week or so to address the issue before my next cycle.  2 more rounds of bursting into tears.  *update - prolactin and thryoid levels are normal.  YAY!!!!!*

9:30am - I'm at my OB in a room full of very pregnant women.  Start crying for the nth time in the last 12 hours and request to be taken to a non-pregnant woman room to wait.  Then my doc comes in.  Of course the last time I saw him was during my followup appointment after the MC.  So of course his face is a standard trigger.  We talk for quite a bit, get some advice, generally good patient/doctor conversation.  Of course no less than 3 separate waves of tears attack me during the chat.  And onto the table for the pap smear to satisfy the damn IVF people.

You know, because I haven't had enough people in my crotch over the last 12 months.  I should just get a tattoo on my upper thigh that reads "you could have at least bought me dinner first".  As long as every friggin nose in the state of Washington is going to be in my crotch before this is all over with, I may as well make some of them laugh while they're there.

So my face is red, my eyes are puffy, and I'm randomly crying every 20 minutes.

Yup, I predict good things at this interview at the temp agency in an hour.  I'm gonna look REAL hireable.

*update - not sure how to interpret how that interview went.  If they can get me some work 2 or 3 days at a time, it will be perfect.  But I was really not on top of my game so I have no idea if they just tossed my resume once I left.*

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