My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Well, at least I didn't cry in her face

Had a video shoot tonight.  It was a party atmosphere and 2 of party goers were enjoying something I didn't get to enjoy.

They were sisters, huddled over an iphone looking at all the baby stuff they were going to get for the little peanut on the way.

She had that happy pregnant glow.  Probably near the end of the first trimester.  Large enough to be noticeable, but small enough that until she mentioned it, I was hoping it was just an oddly shaped muffin top.  But no, it was a growing little peanut.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to be giggly over shopping for a baby.  Probably not until the doctor tells me that if I were to deliver today, the baby would survive.  Maybe at that point I'll be able to shop with the idea that someone will use the stuff.  But until then, in the back of my mind, anything I buy would feel like a waste of money and just another thing to make me cry later.

I got through the shoot ok.  But when chatting with someone pregnant, you just want to talk about your own pregnancy, what you learned about being healthy, etc etc.  But you can't.  What are you going to say?  Clearly any advice from me is not the advice you want to take considering I didn't make it through the pregnancy.  And you don't want to even mention that you were pregnant because that begs the question about how many kids do you have, etc.  And in a party atmosphere, to a happy pregnant woman, the last thing you want to do is bring down the room and scare her.

I didn't get to do any of the fun part.  I didn't get to giggle and awww over baby stuff.  We kept ourselves kind of reigned in, knowing that one or both of my babies could disappear at some point.  No point in buying baby stuff when we were waiting to find out if we would need 2 of everything, or if I would lose one to VTS.

It was just a few days before I lost them that my SIL started talking about a baby shower and I finally felt like I could start indulging in happy baby stuff.  But that first conversation of "yay!  It's time to start planning a baby shower!" is as far as we got.

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