My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Uh oh

I started fantasizing about a set of boy/girl twins.  My brain has started the shift from "if this is going to work" to "when this happens".  How I won't have to shop for another fertility clinic.  We can get a refund on the fresh IVF that we purchased since we won't need it.  How we'll have our two kids and another embryo to try for a third with in a few years.

No, no, no, no, no!!!!

Bad things happen when I make that emotional switchover!  Do not hope!  Do not plan!  Do not get attached to a fantasy!  Fight it!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Shopping around

Had a major breakdown yesterday.  Wailing, crying, couldn't stop for over an hour.  I partially blame the Lupron, but there are some other factors.

Ever since my IVF clinic merged with a larger clinic, I've been noticing little signs and hints that they are now more about profit than they are about medical care.  A few of the growing pains are totally forgivable, when two businesses merge, there's definitely going to be some changes in how you handle the day to day stuff.  And I've been annoyed by those growing pains, but I understand some of them.  But here are a few of the changes I've had to deal with:

Call center - it's almost impossible to call and get through to a person.  When you do get through to a person, it's obviously a call center monkey who has no clue as to what you're talking about and therefore no clue as to who to forward you to.

The old email system is taken away - So you can't really contact a doctor with questions directly.

Personnel change - When I came back to the clinic, my favorite no-nonsense nurse had resigned.  I suspect she saw the bullshit on the wall and got out.  I'll tell you something, if I find her working at another clinic, I'm going to that clinic no matter what!  And the financial counselor left shortly after the merge as well.

Financial changes - They no longer have plans for those of us who are good candidates for IVF.  They used to have plans where you could pay upfront for an entire IVF round at a discounted rate.  We prepurchased that plan just before the deadline of it being phased out in order to guarantee that if this FET doesn't work, we can do the fresh round for a discount.  But the plans that they offer now are only for several rounds of IVF, and once you have a live birth, the contract is null and void.  So you can prepurchase three rounds, but if the first one works, you can't get a refund or use the extra rounds later.  In other words, they get as much money as they can out of you, up front, based on fear, and you can't get any of it back if those fears don't come true.

They only want the good patients - They now appear to be attempting to screen out any patient that might have complications.  They now require a mammogram and pap smear before proceeding.  Excuse me, but if I were to find something potentially cancerous in my body, the first thing I would want to do would be to harvest and freeze as many eggs as possible before going into chemo treatment.  But ya know, that's just me.  But of course, they won't move forward if anything is found.  Further evidence of this as I tell you about my appointment yesterday.

There were a few really awful things about my appointment yesterday.

We had a brief chat about the weight issue and how it affects whether or not they'll do a fresh round of IVF if this FET fails.  The clinic is still in meetings to determine the BMI cut off point (I'm just a little bit above one of the numbers they are contemplating, but quite a bit over one of the other numbers).  He tells me about the fears of the anesthesia technicians of working on a larger person, it requires more of the drug, harder to balance enough drug but not too much to do damage, etc, and he's talking about people who might gain another 50 or 60lbs during the pregnancy so the potential end weight has to be taken into account.

And then he said something, offhand, that just floored me.  "Well, saying we won't help you get pregnant is a great motivator to lose weight!".


As if fat people aren't despised enough in this society, but now you're going to hold my ability to become a mother hostage until I lose weight?  Fuck you assholes!  One of the primary side effects of having PCOS (one of the main reasons people seek fertility treatment) is weight gain and extreme difficulty in taking weight off.

And a year ago, when I was 15lbs heavier, that same doctor told me that 6 months of youth was more important to success than losing 30lbs.  Because we had that conversation a year ago.  I specifically asked him, would we be smarter to spend the next 6 months losing weight before we attempt this, or would it be smarter to have eggs that are 6 months younger but from a fatter woman.  One year ago, the younger eggs were more important.  But now that I'm a year older, suddenly it's more important to lose weight???

Ya wanna know what I think this is?  Yes, there are more pregnancy complications when you're heavier.  And since I didn't get to a live birth, I feel like I'm being punished for messing up their success rate numbers.  Successful IVF, but no live birth.  I'm no longer one their success stories.

Just to reiterate - my miscarriage had nothing to do with my weight.  What happened to me was like getting hit by a car.  It happens sometimes, but there's no reason to think it will happen again and really had nothing to do with my body's ability to carry a child to term.  My girls were healthy until the infection got to them.

So, that little comment made me hate them.

But here was the other thing that happened - K and I currently have a cold.  Just a standard cold.  I don't have a fever, just a cough and full nose.  So the doctor said maybe we should stop this attempt since I'm not in optimal health.  But we reminded him that we aren't transferring for another three weeks and I'll certainly be over this by then.  It's already been with me for a week, it should clear up over the next week.  So I'll have been healthy for a solid 2 weeks or so by the time we implant.  He seemed confused by this.  And kind of muttered "why are we waiting so long?".  The nurse then reminded him, that the clinic now does a 6 week protocol for FET's.  "Oh that's right, ok, so this should be fine."

Excuse me?  YOU'RE my doctor dude and you didn't know this?  You're not the person that determined that this was the proper way to treat me?  My treatment did NOT originate from YOU?

I have a REAL problem with that.  So he goes on to try to assure me as to why this is perfectly fine.  That the protocols are established by tons of research and yes, each clinic comes to a slightly different conclusion as to how to go about things but that the conclusions are based on all sorts of information and research and blah blah blah.

I don't give a shit.  I don't want my doctor to be a bystander in what's happening with me!  I want my care to be determined by a human being who has looked over all of my personal test results, and has determined the best protocols specifically for ME.  This just proved to me that my care is being assigned by a bunch of strangers who've come up with a bunch of statistics on a piece of paper.

But fine, we're moving forward with this attempt.

And then after the appointment, they tell me I have to check out and hand me a folder to hand to the checkout person.  I stand in a random hallway outside of her office while she's checking out someone else, another couple comes to hang out with us, we're all stacking up in this hallway (they have a front desk, why aren't we stacking up there?) and a pregnant technician is walking through our little cluster from time to time as she goes about her business.  It's finally my turn and I had the woman my folder and she asks me if I need to schedule an appointment.  How the fuck should I know?  You people are supposed to know this shit and be informing ME of what needs to happen next! 

Argh!  So we storm out because I'm so pissed and frustrated.

A couple of hours later, my nurse (the nurse that I've been with since my original attempt so I've gotten to know her pretty well) calls me to let me know what the next steps are.  She's been stuck listening to my frustrations all along, and I give her another earful.  But this time, I tell her that clearly the doctor himself doesn't understand what my issue is.  That's it's just been proven that he's not the person in charge of my care.  And apparently they had a talk about that very thing that day.  I guess shortly after I left.  But I tell her straight up that if not for the fact that I'm already in the process of all of this and feel completely trapped, I would never choose to be a patient there.  They have me trapped so I have no choice but to continue to use them, but I really don't want to.  She listens patiently, but of course there isn't much that she can say.

So at the end of the conversation, she tells me that I need to schedule 2 appointments and she'll transfer me over to the appointment people.  I make her to tell me exactly what my appointments are for so I can write them down despite the fact that she says "Oh I've already talked to them, they know what's going on and just need to get the time on the books".  And then she transfers me.  And I have the following conversation with the person who is supposedly expecting me.

Hi, I need to schedule an Estrodial on June 4th.

What’s an Estrodial?

I don’t know but I’m supposed to schedule one.

Well I don’t know what that is either so I'm not sure exactly how to schedule it.


The day passes and in the evening, I think back to what that doctor said to me.  How refusing to help someone get pregnant is a great motivator to get them to lose weight.  And I start crying.  Uncontrollably.  This clinic has merged with the largest clinic in the area, I don't think I have any choices.  I start panicking.  Does this mean I might have to go to India to get someone to do this for me?  Frak, for the price it would cost to do that, I could just get liposuction to get under the weight and then they'll both help me AND I'll be thinner.  I mean, I seriously started freaking out last night.
And again, I'm being punished.  Punished for having a miscarriage.  Punished for being fat.  And I'm being judged.  My parental worthiness is being judged by a bunch of assholes with success rate statistics.

Hmmmmm, I take it I'm not the first person annoyed by this changeover?  And they talk about assisting people with the financing because they don't want money to be a deterrent to parenthood.  And that they take older patients because they want to help people, they aren't concerned with falsely inflating their success rate numbers but rather they focus on helping people who need help.

K walks in while I'm still somewhat hysterical and I show him that there's another clinic in the area.  He does his best to calm me down but I'm getting hit with wave after wave of upset.

Once I'm finally in a place where I'm able to carry on a conversation, we talk about what happened at my appointment (he was there for the whole appointment btw).  And he finally gets it.  He finally sees what I've been seeing for months.  That they are now more concerned with their profits and the numbers they can use for advertising than they are with medically assisting people.  They have gone from medical facility to for profit business.  He finally validated my fears rather than trying to convince me that they are unfounded.

I emailed the new clinic with my entire ivf history, asked if they will do egg retrievals for a big girl, if the costs are comparable to the money we spent on the prepurchased plan (we can still get a refund and apply it elsewhere), and how many hoops I would have to jump through to become a patient at their clinic.  We don't want to go through the energy and expense of doing all of the same initial testing that we've already been through, but if those medical records can be transferred and we already know what medicines work for me and which ones don't.  If they'll trust that history and simply move forward from where we are rather than insisting that we go backwards 30 steps, then if I'm not pregnant from this FET in July, we are probably going to transfer to this new clinic.

I emailed them on Friday night of Memorial Day weekend so I don't expect to hear anything back until Tuesday or Wednesday.  But it would take a lot of pressure off of this FET attempt to know what I'll have another chance if this fails.

The last 6 months have sucked so bad.  And now I'm feeling guilty about not using those months to diet and get my weight down.  But really, when have I had a chance to add the stress of dieting on top of the stress I've been having?  I've been mourning my two babies, a skin cancer scare for me, a stomach cancer scare for K, a brain tumor scare (which we still aren't certain isn't there), 3 weeks of hormones only to stop the attempt, and now I'm about 3 weeks into another hormone regimen.  Seriously, when have I had a chance to diet?  And now I'm living under the threat that if this attempt fails, I'm going to have to live on lettuce and the treadmill for at least 2 months before they'll give me another opportunity to get pregnant.  That's A LOT of pressure!

So I'm really hoping to hear back from this other clinic saying they'll help me.  That would really relieve the pressure, which will give this attempt a better chance of succeeding, and I'll feel better about working with different people if this attempt fails.

I'll be emailing my OB next.  See if he's heard anything good or bad about this other clinic.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Lupron taking its toll

I'm feeling just awful.

And not just because I have a cold.  I'm pretty sure it's the lupron that's kicking my ass.

I'm feeling hopeless, depressed, antsy.  It feels like back when I was in college and it was 6 weeks before I had to move back to the States for the summer (I went to university in Canada).  I knew I had a buttload of work in front of me, having to pack up my life and prepare to move it again, but there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it right now.  Too early to start packing anything up, but it looming over me because when it was time to do it, it would have to be done fast.

Right now, everything is on track for this FET.  And yet, I just do NOT imagine myself pregnant in July.  My brain just refuses to see that as a possibility.  So I'm only looking at the work I'll have to do after that in order to be able to do a fresh IVF attempt.

Basically, I have to lose about 20lbs before they'll do an egg retrieval for me.  And I'm antsy to make some progress on that but it's not an activity that can just be done.  My cough is really preventing me from doing any exercise right now.  And I'm frustrated and depressed so I'm having trouble resisting food that one shouldn't eat.

I'm a very upset individual and I feel like everything I go to for comfort is being taken away from me.  I'm not allowed to give snuggles to Buster due to bacteria concerns, and he's just so snuggleable!  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be dieting right now to get a jump start on the weight loss or if I should just be moderately indulging to help keep myself sane so that this attempt has the best chance possible.  So every time I want to eat something, I have this struggle of trying to figure out whether or not I'm supposed to eat it.  Sanity vs calories, which is more important?

I seriously just want to crawl out of my skin because I'm so depressed, and unhinged, and GAH!  There's just no way to make me feel better!

We reduce the lupron dosage tomorrow.  I hope this starts to ease off soon.

You don't have to be a mom to be awesome

Yes, we all want to be moms.  That's why were here.  Many of us beat ourselves up and call ourselves horrible things (failure, worthless) because we don't have kids.

So from now on, you are only allowed to call yourself those horrible things if you can look this awesome woman in the eye and call her the same thing, cuz she's not a mom either!

Your joy does not equal a happy me

There is a very common faux pas when interacting with someone who is dealing with miscarriage and/or infertility issues.  For some reason, people seem to think that showing off their baby is going to bring me some sort of hope, or inspiration or something.

Miscarriage and infertility forums abound with writings of "I got my rainbow baby!  There's hope for you all!!!"

Bullshit.  All that tells me is that while I'm stuck here in hell, yet again someone else got what I want.  You achieving does not make me happy one bit.  It just tells me that someone else who is supposed to understand what I'm going through has graduated into happyland and I'm even more alone here in infertility town.

The misery that this blog is currently based on is an inherently temporary situation.  Oh good lord I hope it's a temporary situation.  Sure doesn't feel temporary.  But that's why readers are finding me.  To find some company in this hell that we are going through.  I know that it's a stab in the gut when I'm looking for other miscarriage and infertility blogs, to find other people going through this struggle, and I click on a blog that's supposed to be someone who understands, but they are now blogging about potty training.

But my journey continues.  So I have to realize that one day, I might graduate into happyland myself.  I can tell you that graduation will not happen with a positive pregnancy test.  Once I get that, I'm going to be terrified the whole time of it being taken away from me again.  Graduation for me will be the birth of a healthy baby.  And there's a small chance that it could happen as early as 10 months from now.

That's one of the quandaries of being in a temporary club.  When I graduate, I'm no longer a member of the club but I'll still have that urge to reach out to women behind me in the journey.  But no longer being a member, I'm going to be the last person anyone wants a hand from.

I'm not so conceited as to think that anyone reading this blog really gives a rats ass about my own personal journey or about my life in general.  If you're reading this, it's most likely because you're in a miserable place and are looking for someone else who gets it.  Someone who is putting your thoughts into words because it's either difficult to find those words, or you're having some sort of shame at your own thoughts and want someone else to say them first.  You're here so you don't have to be alone.

Well, I get it.  If I find myself pregnant 5 weeks from now, I'll probably get a bunch of people telling me congratulations, etc etc etc, and every new person who finds this blog will get that stab in the gut that yet another person who is supposed to understand no longer does.  I'm here because I want people going through a difficult time to be able to find me and not be alone.  I don't want to be one of those bitches who waves goodbye to the struggling folks and starts rubbing my good fortune in their noses.

Then again, there's always the chance of the happiness rising, only to be dashed later, just like the last pregnancy.  And writing that as it happens, in real time, might be just another chapter of a larger novel.  Of course we won't know which is true until things actually happen.

Hell, I might still have 10 rounds of IVF in front of me and a lot more story to tell before that even becomes an issue.

So dear readers, tell me honestly.  Even if it's years after this post was originally written (because I'm going to leave this blog active for others on the journey regardless of what happens).  If I get my BFP in July, should I start a new blog?  Let those who want to watch the journey follow me there but leave this blog clean of triggers for those behind me?  Should I only come back to write about the fears of being pregnant after a loss?  Continue through a pregnancy but cease once there's a baby?

I just don't want to be someone elses stab in the gut, but if things go well for me, I'm not sure how to avoid it either.


Did the suppression check today and we're cleared to continue with the FET attempt.

The doc was not happy to see that we have colds.  Said maybe we shouldn't continue since we aren't in optimum health. 

Doc, it's a cold.  It'll last another week at most.  And we're not transferring for another 3 weeks.  Dude, get over it.

Really not happy to have the doctor seem a little confused and the nurse remind him that we now do a 6 week program for FET's so yes, it's another three weeks until transfer.  All that does is prove to me that the doctor isn't prescribing the care but rather a new rule book is.

I used to be under the impression that the regimen was determined by my doctor.  His analysis of my body and what would work best for it.  But now it's pretty obvious that the regimen is predetermined by someone else (or a group of someone elses) and he follows what he is told by someone else who's never met me determines is what's best for me.  Either he is knowledgeable and can assign my care, or he's a drone trusting other peoples knowledge.  I used to think it was the former, now I believe it's the latter.

Even the little things have been made more difficult.  Like when I was done, I used to be able to get dressed and leave.  Now they make me checkout.  And to make it even more stupid, you don't even checkout at reception desk which would make sense, but rather you're told to wait in a random hallway outside of a woman's office while she deals with the person who got there ahead of you.  So a bunch of us are stacking up in this hallway, while a pregnant technician goes about her business through the place reminding us all of what we can't get on our own and when it's finally my turn, I just hand the woman the folder they gave me and she doesn't even need me for anything!  Ugh!  Couldn't someone have just dropped this off rather than make me stand here for 10 minutes as if we need to discuss something?  Stupid stupid stupid!

And to everyone who has a baby, keep that crying kid out of the friggin waiting room of a fertility clinic!  Really?  I mean really?  You bring a baby into an establishment that's designed to be populated by people who yearn for but can't have a baby???  In your mind, that's a GOOD idea??

I hate people.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

We have a cold

Lucky us, sharing everything as a married couple.

On Monday, I was taking some samples to my potential employer (it looks like I'll be getting the pottery job btw, yay!) and while I was watching her on the wheel, I just suddenly had that moment when you realize illness has officially hit you.

And I've been sick ever since.  Still able to function, but really not happy about it.

Using up tissue by the boatload, sinuses are sore, coughing, hungry but nothing is very appealing.  Just bleck.

On the FET front, I have my suppression check tomorrow.  Kind of my first check-in of this process.  I'm both afraid of and anticipating being told that something is kaflooy and we have to stop this attempt.

Really, I'd prefer to be doing a fresh attempt right now.  If the frozen attempt works, we'll only have 1 embryo left to try to get a second child a few years down the road.  But if it doesn't work, we'll still have that one in the bank and can move on to a fresh attempt this summer.  A fresh attempt should yield at least one child (assuming it's not twins again) as well as some extra embryos while I'm still somewhat young to attempt to get a second child with later.

So whichever way this goes, I think I'll be ok with it.  I reserve the right to take that back and be totally upset later if that's what hits me.

Ugh, I really wanna feel better.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

We don't argue often, but...

I can probably count the number of actual arguments my hubby and I have had in our relationship on one hand.  But we had one today.

K's main source of a social life is performing in plays.  I totally get that.  My social life used to be the exact same thing.  There's an itch to perform when you haven't done it for a while.

But we're into the injection stage of our FET.  We're supposed to do a Lupron injection every day between 7-9pm according to the calendar our doctor gave us.  We've already had to change the schedule to after 10pm every night because on that first night K didn't get home from work until after 10pm. 

Rehearsals can run late.  And people go out for drinks after rehearsals sometimes.  And when K isn't home, I turn off the tv and dvr the shows that we like so we can watch them together later.  When he's in a show, I'm at home, alone all day, and all evening.  He'll get home around 5pm from work, grab a bite to eat, be back out the door by 6:30pm, and then get home again after 10pm.

I work from home on the rare occasion that I have work (it's starting to pick up again, yay!).  I don't have much of a social life, especially since my primary social outlet went bonkers and dumped me last November.  Honestly, I don't mind so much.  I don't have much of a social need. 

K is different, he's a very social person.  He does need that social outlet apart from work.  I get that, I really really do. 

But come on.  While we're baby making, I need his ass home.  I'm being chemically programmed to be depressed, lonely, frustrated, and cranky (damned Lupron) and actually being alone will make that a lot worse.  And once I am pregnant, I'm going to be terrified of needing to go to the hospital at any moment in time because the last time was such a surprise. 

We had a break in the baby making.  A period of time when we weren't doing IVF, we weren't pregnant, nothing to worry about.  And he did a show during that period.  It's not like it's been years or something since he's had a chance to scratch that itch, he just closed a show last week!

If we were capable of making a baby over the course of a single 15 minute round of romance, you can bet your ass I would have his full, 100% attention during that process.  Well, it takes us about 6 weeks.  And I need his full, 100% attention during the ENTIRE baby creation process.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Screw weight watchers.  I'm hormonal, I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I'm cranky.

I found some chocolate chips, I'm making cookies.

The reasons I write

I write for many reasons.

1)  It helps me organize my own thoughts.  When explaining something to someone else, it gets the words out of my head and helps to put certain thoughts to rest.  It's like I'm dealing with a particular topic, I get it organized, I get it written, it no longer swims in my head.

2)  To help other people.  I'm not really an expert on anything, but I do know what I'm experiencing.  And what I have trouble finding other people going through the same things.  I figured if I just put out every thought I have, maybe someone will be searching for someone having the same thought and might feel a little less alone. 

All the bad jokes, bleakness, physical realities of how invasive, annoying, embarrassing, or whatever it is to go through this process, well, I put myself out here so that someone can find me and see that someone else has been there. 

All those thoughts that we have that we dare not speak out loud for fear of how others will interpret those thoughts, maybe if I just go ahead and say that I'm having those thoughts, the next person won't feel like they are a jerk or something.

Thoughts about how wrong it's going to feel to be pregnant again, especially if it's a singleton.

I'm going to miss the opportunity to provide identical twin babies for my video friends commercial shoots.

That I still wear the jammies that my water broke on because they are really comfy jammies.

As far as I'm concerned, my body has become public property at the doctors office, so my brain may as well become public property here.

Does anyone find this blog helpful?  Do my little ramblings help anyone, at all?  Is there anybody listening?

I start injecting the lupron tomorrow so there's much depression and hatred in my future.  That stuff does one hell of a number on me. 

But if you think this blog contributes to the world in some way, I'd sure appreciate a note of encouragement, something to tell me that there's a reason to keep writing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm cranky today

That is all

No more Buster snarfles

My poor Buster kitty.  He's such a lover boy.  But for the next year or so, I have to be hands off with him.  He carries that bacteria that pregnant women are supposed to keep away from.  He only carries it in minute amounts, it's not an active infection with him, he's just a carrier.  I would pretty much have to bathe in his feces to even come into contact with the bacteria, but I'm not going to be taking any chances with my next pregnancy.

Buster started hanging around our property a couple of years ago.  We have no idea where he came from, but I think our feral brothers brought him over for dinner one night and he realized what a good deal they've got going here and decided to stick around.

Once we realized he was a regular, we captured him, got him fixed and vaccinated.  After a short absence, he started hanging out with us again.  He's established himself in the pottery studio.  That's his house now.  We installed a cat door into the front door and set up a nice bed in there for him and he's fully taken up residence.

I keep some shelves right next to me when I'm throwing and he likes to plop himself on top of that and grab at my hair.  Sometimes he gets a good chunk of hair in his claws and kind of pulls me to him.  He's ruined a few mugs in his day.

But he's so sweet and just completely made of awesome.  If I lean towards him and say "kisses!" he headbutts my chin.  And if his head can't reach, he'll stretch out a paw and tap my cheek.

When I'm walking around outside, he keeps himself glued to my feet.  He also loves to try to ride my shoulders even though he's way too big to drape around them properly.

And when we drive up, he comes running out of the studio to jump on the hood of our cars and say hi.

And when I pick him up, he likes to lick my face, what I call Snarfles.

But a couple of weeks ago I noticed that he was drinking and peeing a lot.  Constantly.  So I took him to the vet.  So far he looks really healthy.  She thinks that it was a matter of him having some fleas, overgrooming, and that made him thirsty which makes him drink too much and pee too much.  Since he was there, I had them draw some blood and test for that anti-pregnancy bacteria.  And the test came back as positive, but in trace amounts.  Nuts.

Like I said, it's really only the feces that pregnant women have to worry about and I don't even know where he poops so I certainly don't come into contact with it.  But on the other hand, if he cleans his butt and then cleans the rest of himself, who's to say that he's not spreading it around his whole body?

So I can't really pet him anymore.  If I do (cuz it's really hard to resist), straight to the sink and antibacterial soap I go.  I certainly can't let him lick me anymore.  And I'll have to cover all of the clay water in the studio to make sure he doesn't drink out of it before I put my hands in it.  And no more spending evenings napping in the laundry room for him, strictly outside and in the pottery studio from now on.

Since that bacteria can live up to 2 months, and we're hoping to do the embryo transfer in 1 month, hands off from now on.

I was pretty diligent about not touching him during my last pregnancy, ya know, just in case.  And the doctors said that it wasn't that bacteria that caused my infection.   But now that we know, we're stepping up the diligence.

He is not happy about this turn of events.  He's following me around, rubbing against my legs (covered in pants of course), and just looking at me not understanding why I'm not bending down to rub his nose.

Hubby is going to have to take over snuggle duties (then immediately wash up before coming near me).

I hope he still likes me a year from now when I can snuggle him again.

PS - we tested one of our indoor cats for the same thing a few weeks earlier when one of them had to go to the vet.  The indoor cats don't carry it so I can still snuggle with them.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I want

The sentence that starts with "I want..." used to end in things like "a cookie", "to watch tv", "a hug".

I never even think of starting the sentence "I want..." anymore because the ending of it is always the same, and it's not something I can just go and get.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Q&A Time

I received an email from reader EM asking me a few questions.  I emailed a response but I'd like to talk about those questions here in public too.

Q1)  I am SO angry at every woman under 25 who has an infant, especially ones closer to 20.  I want to slug them.  I feel I am WAY more deserving to be a mother.  Did/do you ever feel this way?  Would you label me a horrible person?  Would you just go ahead and punch them in the mouth?

A1)  Nope, I don't label you as a horrible person.  Because if you're horrible, than I'm horrible too and I don't want to be considered horrible.

Feelings have no right and wrong - they are what they are.  It's how we respond to them that determine right or wrong.  As for being angry, wanting to slug them, feeling like you're more deserving - those are feelings.  They are not wrong.  Actually acting on those feelings and slugging the person?  Ok, now THAT would be wrong.

I feel this way all the time.  I followed the life path that I was raised to believe was the "correct" path in life, and the right order to do things before you make yourself responsible to a child.  Made it through the teen years without getting pregnant, got my degree, made some career progress, married a mature and gentle man and we have a strong relationship, bought the house, we aren't rich but we aren't afraid of missing a mortgage payment either.  And isn't that what you're supposed to have in place before having a child?  Well, I did all that, don't drink, don't have a mug shot.  So HELL YESSSS I have anger towards everyone who gets to have exactly what I've always wanted and hasn't done the life work that I've always believed you're supposed to do before you're ready for kids.

I've done a lot of life work to prepare myself to be a mother.  Yes, I'm very angry that so many people get to have kids before they are ready either by society standards or by their own personal standards.  And I was a very mature 25.  But I would not have been as good a mother at 25 as I now would be at 36.  So, based on my own life experience (because it's the only knowledge I have), I do get angry that a baby is given to someone who might not be as able to do well by that child as I believe I could. 

So, sorry young ladies, but yes, I do feel more deserving than you right now, and resent that you get to have one or more and I don't.  Not your fault.  Maybe you're the most perfectest mother in all the world, I have no way of knowing that by looking at you.  All I can see is a pregnant belly attached to a young naive face and project my own deservedness at that age onto you.

Q2)  Can you ever really forgive yourself?

A2)  Yes.  I've looked back on every moment of my pregnancy and I can't find a damned thing I did wrong.  In my personal case, it's just one of those random, totally unfair, and unpredictable/unpreventable things that happens to some of us.  If crack addicts and abused women who take beatings every day are able to deliver healthy babies in spite of everything they endure during the pregnancy, well, that good outcome seems totally random.  So I'm starting to really come to terms with the fact that my bad outcome was just as random.  If a woman can work in the fields in 110 degree heat and a healthy baby is delivered in spite of what she put her body through, then I who lived 100% according to doctors orders, well my babies died in spite of what I provided for them.

Miscarriage is something that happens TO you, it's not something that you do.

Q3)  Can you ever really forgive your spouse for not getting it?  Not experiencing Loss in the same way?

A3)  No, not really.  He's trying.  I know he's trying.  But he just doesn't get it.  It hasn't fundamentally changed him the way it's changed me.  He's basically the same guy, but he gets a little sad sometimes.

I'm not the same person.  I'm out of control.  My emotions are completely on the surface.  I don't even need a trigger, crying just starts now for no reason. 

I'm not as bend over backwards considerate as I used to be.  It's almost like I feel like I've bent over backwards enough for everybody else, people can fucking get out of my way and accommodate me for a change.  I'm still polite, don't get me wrong.  But I'm no longer the person that will offer my place in line at the grocery store if I only have one or two items.  Screw you, I got here first!

So I'm this brand new person, still trying to get accustomed to my new skin, and he's the same man he's always been.

I don't want to downplay how horrible it is to be the helpless bystander when someone you care about is in pain.  I recognize how difficult that is and it's a true pain.

But on the other hand, I'm the one who knows how painful contractions are when you have to physically fight them off and try to not allow them to happen.  I'm the one with tactile memories of what it's like for your body to destroy two innocent victims that you love more than anything, completely out of your own control.  I'm the one who now has to go on the hormone roller coaster to try and get pregnant again.  I'm the one who comes out of the bathroom to report "I got my period" and dash the family hopes that maybe we got pregnant.  It's my body that's either going to succeed or fail.

I know this whole thing hurts him.  But we are both aware that it hurts me more.  And I realize that I might seem horrible for thinking this, but if I'm going to hurt this bad, I'm angry that I look over at him and don't see the same pain on his face.  Whether it's right or wrong, misery loves company, and he's just not here with me in mine.  He tries to be, but it's not something he's capable of being. 

If a man were capable of feeling this pain on the same level as a woman, I do believe he would be the man to feel it.  But as much as I try to insist that men and women are equal, in this, not even close.

I waffle back and forth on forgiving him for not having to go through this like I do, and being really angry at him for getting off so easy.

Welcome to Hell Week we are.  I'm now 36.  Taking birth control pills as my first step to the FET.  Due date in 3 days.  Mother's Day in 4 days.

I'm not as bad off as I thought I would be.  My birthday turned out really well actually.  I interviewed for a job as a potter (I know, doing pottery and getting paid for it!), I think it went really well so I actually spent my birthday in a really good mood.

Just tired and cranky today.  Not falling down sobbing, not fully functioning.  It's just kind of a weight I'm carrying around with me. 

That feeling of "I'm supposed to be this big but instead I'm that big" is starting to fade.  I think a lot of my grief is fading with it.  I make no promises that this current feeling of "meh" will last, but that's what I've got right now.