My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The reasons I write

I write for many reasons.

1)  It helps me organize my own thoughts.  When explaining something to someone else, it gets the words out of my head and helps to put certain thoughts to rest.  It's like I'm dealing with a particular topic, I get it organized, I get it written, it no longer swims in my head.

2)  To help other people.  I'm not really an expert on anything, but I do know what I'm experiencing.  And what I have trouble finding other people going through the same things.  I figured if I just put out every thought I have, maybe someone will be searching for someone having the same thought and might feel a little less alone. 

All the bad jokes, bleakness, physical realities of how invasive, annoying, embarrassing, or whatever it is to go through this process, well, I put myself out here so that someone can find me and see that someone else has been there. 

All those thoughts that we have that we dare not speak out loud for fear of how others will interpret those thoughts, maybe if I just go ahead and say that I'm having those thoughts, the next person won't feel like they are a jerk or something.

Thoughts about how wrong it's going to feel to be pregnant again, especially if it's a singleton.

I'm going to miss the opportunity to provide identical twin babies for my video friends commercial shoots.

That I still wear the jammies that my water broke on because they are really comfy jammies.

As far as I'm concerned, my body has become public property at the doctors office, so my brain may as well become public property here.

Does anyone find this blog helpful?  Do my little ramblings help anyone, at all?  Is there anybody listening?

I start injecting the lupron tomorrow so there's much depression and hatred in my future.  That stuff does one hell of a number on me. 

But if you think this blog contributes to the world in some way, I'd sure appreciate a note of encouragement, something to tell me that there's a reason to keep writing.


  1. I haven't personally been through anything like what you've gone through, but I am a neonatal icu nurse and have to deal with infant death from time to time. I find it helpful to hear the "raw footage" of your experience to gain better understanding of the feelings parents have when they lose an infant. I think there aren't enough people willing to talk about their experiences without sugar coating anything. I'd rather talk to someone like you if I went through something this tragic.

    I'm really pulling for you and hope you get the baby you so deserve. Please don't stop writing. You've been through so much more than anyone should. I really want to see a happy ending for you and your husband.

  2. Alex....I stop back here often to read what you are going thru I feel that you are a friend and I want to be able to jump in at anytime to give you a hug or a congratulation. I see the changes in you as you go through this whole process and I feel safe in knowing that you feel comfortable to let your thoughts out and not harbor them inside....peace and love and friendship to you and your husband...Karen

  3. Alex

    I stop by your blog a couple of times a week to see if you've written anything new. I appreciate your honesty and you've helped me at times feel like I wasn't losing my mind. My due date was supposed to have been May 6th and I've fallen into a pretty deep depression since that date. I've chosen not to read posts on any longer because I felt like it was making me feel worse. But, your blog helps. You often write the things that I think or feel but that I don't say to anyone. Your perspective and honesty on what a living nightmare child loss is and the stress of trying again is raw and true. I appreciate your blog and hope that you continue writing. Thanks for writing!


  4. Alex, as you know, I found your blog through Artfire and got caught up in your story because I admire your courage and honesty and very human feelings. I had two non-comparable miscarriages and am now a grandmother, and I'm waiting for your happy ending. Keep writing - for every one of us that comments, there are probably two more lurking in the shadows that need you.

  5. I found your blog via your signature on the BBC miscarriage board...I really appreciate your honest, lively writing and the way you give voice to one of the few topics that's still taboo for discussion in our society. I hope you'll keep writing.


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.