My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Lupron taking its toll

I'm feeling just awful.

And not just because I have a cold.  I'm pretty sure it's the lupron that's kicking my ass.

I'm feeling hopeless, depressed, antsy.  It feels like back when I was in college and it was 6 weeks before I had to move back to the States for the summer (I went to university in Canada).  I knew I had a buttload of work in front of me, having to pack up my life and prepare to move it again, but there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it right now.  Too early to start packing anything up, but it looming over me because when it was time to do it, it would have to be done fast.

Right now, everything is on track for this FET.  And yet, I just do NOT imagine myself pregnant in July.  My brain just refuses to see that as a possibility.  So I'm only looking at the work I'll have to do after that in order to be able to do a fresh IVF attempt.

Basically, I have to lose about 20lbs before they'll do an egg retrieval for me.  And I'm antsy to make some progress on that but it's not an activity that can just be done.  My cough is really preventing me from doing any exercise right now.  And I'm frustrated and depressed so I'm having trouble resisting food that one shouldn't eat.

I'm a very upset individual and I feel like everything I go to for comfort is being taken away from me.  I'm not allowed to give snuggles to Buster due to bacteria concerns, and he's just so snuggleable!  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be dieting right now to get a jump start on the weight loss or if I should just be moderately indulging to help keep myself sane so that this attempt has the best chance possible.  So every time I want to eat something, I have this struggle of trying to figure out whether or not I'm supposed to eat it.  Sanity vs calories, which is more important?

I seriously just want to crawl out of my skin because I'm so depressed, and unhinged, and GAH!  There's just no way to make me feel better!

We reduce the lupron dosage tomorrow.  I hope this starts to ease off soon.

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