My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Your joy does not equal a happy me

There is a very common faux pas when interacting with someone who is dealing with miscarriage and/or infertility issues.  For some reason, people seem to think that showing off their baby is going to bring me some sort of hope, or inspiration or something.

Miscarriage and infertility forums abound with writings of "I got my rainbow baby!  There's hope for you all!!!"

Bullshit.  All that tells me is that while I'm stuck here in hell, yet again someone else got what I want.  You achieving does not make me happy one bit.  It just tells me that someone else who is supposed to understand what I'm going through has graduated into happyland and I'm even more alone here in infertility town.

The misery that this blog is currently based on is an inherently temporary situation.  Oh good lord I hope it's a temporary situation.  Sure doesn't feel temporary.  But that's why readers are finding me.  To find some company in this hell that we are going through.  I know that it's a stab in the gut when I'm looking for other miscarriage and infertility blogs, to find other people going through this struggle, and I click on a blog that's supposed to be someone who understands, but they are now blogging about potty training.

But my journey continues.  So I have to realize that one day, I might graduate into happyland myself.  I can tell you that graduation will not happen with a positive pregnancy test.  Once I get that, I'm going to be terrified the whole time of it being taken away from me again.  Graduation for me will be the birth of a healthy baby.  And there's a small chance that it could happen as early as 10 months from now.

That's one of the quandaries of being in a temporary club.  When I graduate, I'm no longer a member of the club but I'll still have that urge to reach out to women behind me in the journey.  But no longer being a member, I'm going to be the last person anyone wants a hand from.

I'm not so conceited as to think that anyone reading this blog really gives a rats ass about my own personal journey or about my life in general.  If you're reading this, it's most likely because you're in a miserable place and are looking for someone else who gets it.  Someone who is putting your thoughts into words because it's either difficult to find those words, or you're having some sort of shame at your own thoughts and want someone else to say them first.  You're here so you don't have to be alone.

Well, I get it.  If I find myself pregnant 5 weeks from now, I'll probably get a bunch of people telling me congratulations, etc etc etc, and every new person who finds this blog will get that stab in the gut that yet another person who is supposed to understand no longer does.  I'm here because I want people going through a difficult time to be able to find me and not be alone.  I don't want to be one of those bitches who waves goodbye to the struggling folks and starts rubbing my good fortune in their noses.

Then again, there's always the chance of the happiness rising, only to be dashed later, just like the last pregnancy.  And writing that as it happens, in real time, might be just another chapter of a larger novel.  Of course we won't know which is true until things actually happen.

Hell, I might still have 10 rounds of IVF in front of me and a lot more story to tell before that even becomes an issue.

So dear readers, tell me honestly.  Even if it's years after this post was originally written (because I'm going to leave this blog active for others on the journey regardless of what happens).  If I get my BFP in July, should I start a new blog?  Let those who want to watch the journey follow me there but leave this blog clean of triggers for those behind me?  Should I only come back to write about the fears of being pregnant after a loss?  Continue through a pregnancy but cease once there's a baby?

I just don't want to be someone elses stab in the gut, but if things go well for me, I'm not sure how to avoid it either.


  1. No-keep your blog. It's you.
    You are not an "infertility blog". You are writing about you.-and your life experience-which happens to be horrible right now..

    If your blog title was "Infertily Sucks"...and I clicked on it and found you posting happily about the birth of your child....I would be upset (and yes, some of those blogs exist-and I don't care how long they were infertile-it still upsets me to land on what is supposed to be "someone who understands" find-nope-it's not anymore).

    But your blog is more about finding your way....

    you can just change your description to something along the lines of been thru the blackest of night....join me on my journey to the sun....

  2. I forgot to add-your journey when you have that successful end :) ...will give people hope

  3. Hi Alex, I'm a twin momma too. I found your blog because I love to read about other twin moms' experiences. I read a few of your more recent posts and was intrigued by your bio so I decided to start at the beginning.It's like reading a story of which you know the ending, but you're not sure how the character got there. I admire your courage and your perseverance. What you experienced with the loss of your girls is heartbreaking. You're so generous for allowing us to join you on this journey as you fight for your happy ending. I can't wait to read more.


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