H1 Cleared - Beta 1

I've just cleared my first hurdle.  I've got my first beta number.  And here's what's really freaky, that number is 265.  On this day with my twins, my beta was 266.

I KNOW, RIGHT??

It is actually, realistically possible that this blog can reclaim its original purpose - to document the experience of first time parents to twins.

Ok, the dream isn't realized yet.  We still have a few more hurdles to get through (more betas over the week) before we can see on an ultrasound if we're looking at 1 or 2.  Next hurdle is on Sunday, Nov 6 with the next beta numbers.

But for right now, right this moment, it's still realistic that it might actually be twins again.  And even if it's not, I'm very definitely, firmly pregnant at the moment.

And I think this bears repeating -

Staring at sticks

It's almost like if I don't check in on things every couple of hours, they might disappear.  So I just keep peeing on sticks to make sure shit's still happening in there.  And then I agonize over whether or not the line looks lighter or fainter than the last test.

I think we had a decent showing on day 4, it kind of faded a bit on day 5, and now it's starting to come back on days 6 and 7.  So maybe we had some splitters in there that are now reducing to a reasonable number of babies.    That would be really swell.  I desperately want twins, but I don't want to be in the position of choosing which two I'm going to keep due to selective reduction.

Of course, this is all just WILD conjecture.  A girl's gotta keep herself occupied!  Here is the stick pile I've been looking at.  Feel free to come up with your own theories as to what's happening in my uterus.  Oh don't judge me, several of you have this very same collection, I'm just admitting it.

Other early symptoms reports:

My dreams are going nuts.  Last night I was on some major cruise, I think for someone's wedding.  Somehow we got side tracked through the streets of Belgium so I was trying to capture video on my cell phone of all the decorated streets our cruise ship was going through.  It was like some weird multidimensional thing where we weren't just seeing the buildings like we were standing at the side of the ship, but rather we were inside the ship and it's like everything was being brought directly into the room with us.  For the record, I've never been to Belgium, I have desire to ever go to Belgium, I don't know why I was interpreting all the Christmas decorated streets as being Belgium, or why the hell I was on a cruise ship to begin with.

Last night's pee breaks came at 3:25am and 7am.  Good times.

I'm HUNGRY!!!  Usually a white mocha and a small pastry will last me until dinner, but that is just so not happening right now.  I've only been up for 2 hours and I'm already eating my second small meal of the day.  K finally made my long awaited for Chili-ghetti for dinner last night and I'm chowing down on leftovers.  With all the cheese and beans and beef, it's a major protein punch.  I put it away in small containers last night specifically so I would have a "go-to" meal staple for a couple of days.

I have little motivation to do anything right now.  I'm forcing myself to do pottery because I'm really behind on my quota and the deadline is, oh, now, but I'm just not wanting to do anything.  I'm even going to bed early, not so much because I'm tired, but rather because I'm bored.

I definitely have pregnancy gut.  I've been a little bloated all along and there's an almost constant tension in there.  It's very mild, but just kind of a constant reminder that I have an abdomen.

PS - K isn't in a celebrating mood.  I keep saying "I'm pregnant" and he keeps saying "I hope so!"  Poo head.  So I'm just gonna boogie on my own.

Go

Had an early dinner with K last night.  He was stuck at work for an extra long day due to scheduling snafus so I went up to his workplace to take him to a long "lunch" near dinner time.  And the whole time, I was saying "I have no proof, but I'm 99% sure I'm pregnant."

Why did I think this?  Because of all the activity going on in my abdomen.  Because I'm actually getting HUNGRY instead of just kinda wanting a snack.  Cuz I'm dreaming like crazy every night instead of the one dream per week that's average for me.

On the way home, I was in a really good mood.  At a red light I was totally rocking out to something on the radio.  And 20 minutes later as I took my freeway exit near home, I started crying imagining looking at my first ultrasound and whether or not it will have 1 or 2 Maybies in it.  That's some major mood swing action so I knew that when I made it home, I had to pee on a stick.

Being only 4dp5dt, I expected to see nothing of course.

Now, I realize that the second lines are very faint, especially since they don't want to show up on camera, but they're there.  I had peed on a few earlier, including the morning of transfer to ensure that this is NOT the trigger shot leftovers.  Nope, that has completely cleared from my system so the only possible source of any HCG right now is my little Maybies.  And I really am thinking that it might be twins again.  It showed up on day 4 for crying out loud!  And every cramp and pull that I'm having is either the lower left or the upper right, the same locations as those 2 really strong, potentially implantation twinges.  But never in the upper left or lower right.

I really thought that I would get upset at seeing my BFP, but I didn't.  Guys, I'm having emotions almost as if I'm completely naive of what could happen.  K is not and he really kind of pissed me off last night by not getting all excited with me.  I am afraid that this pregnancy will last no more than a day or two before fading away, so I guess I'm trying to enjoy it for the few moments that I have it.

Here's my freakout list -

• I peed again this morning and while the faint, faint line is still there, it's even fainter.  Is it going away????  Is it a chemical pregnancy and I'm going to be back in the IF/MC club next week??
• A line showed up on day 4, just how many are in there kicking out HCG anyway????  I had an embryo split last time to create 2 babies and we transferred 2 perfect embryos this time.  Am I going to have to some horrible decisions to make when we can finally count how many may have split and stuck?
• Am I jinxing things by saying this out loud and actually being happy about it?

Okey dokey.  So.  At the moment, for at least this moment, I'm knocked up!

The starter pistol has sounded, I'm officially running towards the finish line.  But wow are there a lot of hurdles between here and there.  The first hurdle - still being pregnant when I do my beta test on Thursday, Nov 3rd. In other words, determining that this pregnancy is real and not a chemical pregnancy.

I'm fully expecting to lose a few followers this week.  I tend to stop reading IF blogs that become pregnancy blogs so if that's how you feel, I totally understand.  I hope you'll come back and join me again when you're on your own track towards graduation.  And if you see me back on the ICLW list on the Stirrup Queens website in the future, it will mean that this is no longer a pregnancy blog and has returned to being an IF/MC blog and it's safe to read me again.  I don't intend to participate while pregnant, that just seems rude.

4dp5dt stupid stuff

Currently 4dp5dt so I obviously have nothing really to report.

There's activity in my abdomen so I'm fairly certain I'm gonna have good news in a few days.  Can't really describe it.  It's not quite cramps and it's not very consistent in what it feels like.  This morning when I woke up, it was kind of a general ache in the whole lower, center area.  I'm getting little bands of tightness across the full abdomen.  And little, uhm, burning spots for lack of a better description.  The evening of transfer and the next morning I felt 2 very specific hard twinges so, ya know, here's hoping.

But yeah, just kind of vague general activity from time to time.  I have no idea if this is still just recovery from egg retrieval and all the stims or if this is new activity.

And of course all of the blogs and forums describe symptoms this early as feeling like the onset of AF.  Well I have no clue if that's what I'm experiencing because being a PCOS person, I don't really have AF without medications so I don't ever have any indication that it's coming, so I sincerely don't know what the onset of AF feels like.

As I comment on various IF blogs, I'm starting to think I should record the Captcha words as potential baby names.  My favorite so far is PooPom.  Leave me your Captcha baby names in the comments!

Final Embryo Count

Got the final update today on what we got from this round.  And the total is 5, just like last time.  I've got 2 of them floating around in me now, 3 went on ice, and we still have 1 frostie from our first attempt.  So I have this attempt, and 2 more in the bank.

I was really hoping to get three attempts in the bank.  I know that these numbers are actually really, really good, and the quality of the embryos is really, really high, but like everyone else in the world, I wanted more.  I just can't help but be scared that it's not enough.  What if none of them ever take, or what of some of them become pregnancies that don't make it to term?  Will I feel like I did enough to be able to walk away from IVF without regrets?  I just don't know.

But we're not focusing on that right now.  We're focusing on my swimming Maybies!

Aren't they cute?

And because I'm like every other IVF patient in the world, I'm imagining all sorts of twinges and pangs that can be interpreted as something but are likely nothing.  Had some sharp pangs on my lower left yesterday and right now I'm experiencing some pangs on my upper right.  I'm 1dp5dt.  That's waaaaaayyyy too early for implant, right?  They still need another day of swimming, right?

I wish these pangs could reasonably be interpreted as implantation.  Cuz if they could, that would mean that both are implanting on complete opposite corners of the uterus which would be fabulous.  But I'm not deluded enough to think that it's real.  Psychosomatic I'm sure (she says fishing for someone to tell her otherwise).

K is being totally supportive.  He's doing all the laundry and the dishes so that I don't have to lift or bend.  And when I can start doing pottery again (the position I sit in while doing kind of crunches the core so it will be a few days), he's going to put a bag of clay up on the table for me every morning so I can just cut off what I need without having to lift it.  And he's going to help me unload the kiln tomorrow or Friday when it's ready to be unloaded.  I was smart, I loaded the kiln the day before transfer except for the top level so that I wouldn't have to do it after the transfer.

Ok, now that I've completed the second half of IVF, I'll need to write another IVF Random Tips posts.  Please ask me your questions or submit your tips so I can get them included!

Get set

Did the transfer today.  And for some reason, I don't have a whole lot to say about it.

We transferred 2 embryos and the embryologist said they looked as good as they could possibly look.  They were exactly what you want to see.  Yay!

Here are my current embryo numbers -

1 frozen from the last attempt
1 frozen from this attempt
2 transferred and currently swimming around looking for something to grab onto
2 that look awesome and will likely freeze tomorrow
4 that are 50/50 at the moment.  They could be totally awesome tomorrow for freeze, or they might go south, there's simply no predicting.
1 that's still alive but will most likely be discarded.

So out of the 10 mature eggs that we got, I still have 10 embryos!  And there's every chance that as many of 9 of them will look good enough to try to become babies at some point.

Cross your fingers that 6 more make it to freeze tomorrow.  I want as many attempts in the bank as possible because I never want to do this again and I never want to worry that if I had tried harder, more attempts, maybe the outcome would have been different.

If I have 2 inside me, and 8 Maybies on ice, then it would take me a solid year or two of trying before I used all of them up.  By then I would be 38 and I could walk away.  If I can't create children from ages 34-38 with perfect embryos and every chance of it happening on my side, it will be pointless to try this again between the ages of 38-40.

Ok, now we wait for the GO so we can start jumping some hurdles on the way to the finish line.

PS - I'll post the embryo picture, but I think it's in K's pocket and he's grocery shopping.

Still at 10

I have my appointment time for transfer.  1:30pm on Tuesday which is day 5.

So today is day 3 and I got an embryo update.  And I'm gobsmacked.  All 10 are still going strong, 8 or 9 cells each and looking exactly how you want them to look on day 3.  All rated as "good" quality.

Gotta say, I wasn't expecting that.  I was expecting maybe about half of them to be looking good and half to be looking a little questionable.  We can't expect them all to make it to blasts, but looking at them, he can't pick out any that he would predict to be the losers.

Before we learned how many eggs were retrieved, I somehow had my mind set on and hoping for a total of 8 transferable embryos.  2 for this attempt and 6 to put on ice.  As soon as I learned that we had less eggs than last time, I started hoping for 4, maybe 5.  But wow, we might actually get the 8!!!  How awesome would that be?

I'm bouncing off the walls, and then feeling a bit nauseous from the various chemicals in my body.  Getting my hopes up WAYYYYYY too high right now!

On your mark

Out of the 14 eggs that were gathered, 10 were mature and all 10 fertilized.  So we currently have 10 Maybies sitting in a petri dish.

I only vaguely recall my numbers from last time.  I want to say that 19 eggs were gathered, 17 were mature, 12 fertilized, and 5 made it to either transfer or freeze.

So we may have started with smaller numbers, but our ratio of survivors seems much higher this time.

Retrieval Day

I'm still a little loopy so I make no promises that this will be written either coherently or entertainingly.

Started my morning at o dark thirty to make sure we got through Seattle traffic on time for my retrieval.  Traffic was on our side and we got there about a half hour early which kind of sucked since I wasn't able to go and get a snack or anything to pass the time.  So we hung out in the car listening to NPR make of the republican debates.

Gotta say, I was really nervous going in.  Not for the actual procedure, but for the weigh in.  I printed out the email I was sent saying that the procedure would move forward even if my weight had popped up above the 40 BMI cut off point and I was really prepared to raise a stink if anyone questioned me about the fact that yes, my weight has gone back up.  Fortunately, when I did weigh in, no one said a word about it, so all that worry and fight prep was for nothing.

K and I were taken to a back room and to a little bed behind a curtain where I stripped myself down.  I learned there why you can't be a fat patient, the gown hardly wraps around you!  If I were any bigger, I'd be mooning every body.

I got myself into the little bed and the technicians came in to put in the IV and that became quite the comedy.  They were both very lively women, unlike a lot of the zombies I've run into on the medical front lines elsewhere so there was a lot of joking around as we attempted to get a vein to work.  They thought they found one on the back of my right hand and when the numbing agent started plunging in, I accidentally jerked my hand.  I was startled by the intense burning of the stuff.  And it kind of went downhill from there.  My veins are just so sick of being poked, and I hadn't been allowed anything to drink since midnight last night, so all of my veins were hiding and not allowing medication into them.

The technicians attempted 2 different locations on my right hand, of 2 needle pokes each and were forced to give up and ask a doctor to come in and do it.  He went after my left hand and it took him 2 tries as well before we finally got what we needed.  And it's weird when they put that numbing stuff in, it swells up just under the skin so it looks like you've stuck a pea under there.  Between me jerking my hand, and them not finding the right vein, it took 9 needle pokes.

All the prep took about a half hour or so and it was very good natured, with a lot of joking around and stuff.  Then it was time to take me in and for K to go away to do his part, and for no reason at all I suddenly started crying.  I hate it when that happens!  I suddenly get overwhelmed and my face just wants to cry for no damned reason.

So then I find myself on the bed in the OR and I realize why I'm crying.  The last time I was looking at ceiling tiles like that, I was losing my girls.  And that's the last thing I said before waking up again back in the original bed.

K was next to me when I woke up of course and I was given a cup of animal crackers and a cup of water.  I knew I was going to want some pain meds before I left so I started chowing down on the crackers to get something in my stomach.  And I told K that we should get waffles on our way home and everybody giggled a little bit.  They told me that while I was still really groggy, I had muttered something about waffles.  Apparently I really wanted waffles!

They got 14 eggs.  I'm sure most people reading this think that's a fabulous number, but I'm really disappointed.  Our last attempt had 19 eggs and in the end we ended up with 5 good embryos.  So I was really hoping to have similar numbers, if not better to start with this time.  And since I had 15 ready to go at my last ultrasound, I had it in my head that 15 was the minimum that they were gonna get.

I really wanted to put an obnoxious number of embryos in storage from this attempt because I really never want to do this again.  While we have absolutely no way of knowing what the final tally will be at this point, if the numbers go about like they did last time, we anticipate 2 embryos to transfer, and 1 or 2 to put on ice.  But if we only put 1 or 2 in storage to keep that last one from the previous attempt company, that means that even if I get knocked up and deliver a baby from this attempt, I only have 1 or 2 attempts for a second child in the future.  I was really hoping for more than that.

On our way home we had breakfast at IHOP.  And just because I like to confuse everybody, I did NOT get waffles.

It was about noon, and I went straight back to bed and K decided to join me.  As did 3 of our 4 cats.  It's 5:15pm right now and I'm up, but K is still sleeping.  You know, because HE had a rough morning of making babies.

I'm bleeding a little bit and I'm planning on riding the Vicodin high today and probably most of tomorrow because I am in some pain.

And Bleeding Tulip, I got your comment - K had already stocked up on grilled cheese supplies yesterday.  My go to meal when I don't feel good is cream of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.  Sometimes we get fancy and put some tomato slices and/or bacon in the sandwich.

Prepregnancy pregnant feelings

I triggered last night.  And in a cruel twist of irony, the clinic made me take a pregnancy test this morning to ensure that the Hcg absorbed.  Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of cruel to make an infertile take a pregnancy test and see a positive result when we know full well that we're not actually pregnant?  I do.

Ok, I'm putting this out there because I'm having pregnancy symptoms related to the Hcg shot that I would have interpreted differently if I were actually pregnant.

I'm bloated.  My lower abdomen definitely feels larger and a bit firmer than it was yesterday.  And I'm getting little stabbing pains, well not pains exactly, discomforts I guess, in that line of the crotch from front to back.

If I were pregnant, I would attribute this discomfort to the extra weight of a baby pushing down on those muscles and ligaments but since I'm not, I guess those are pains from the hormone itself.

I don't have a whole lot to say about it, but just putting it out there so newly pregnant people have the benefit of knowing what some of their discomforts are from.  I'm in the rare position of having the hormone in my body without an embryo growing so I figured I should allow others the benefit of my current knowledge.

But yeah, I just readjusted in my chair where you lift yourself up and plop yourself back down and it kind of sent a bit of mild shock through my crotch and tush.  So early pregnant people, if you feel that, it's not you causing an impact on your baby, it's something about the Hcg hormone that's causing it.

And I'm feeling a little sick.  Nothing severe.  Just enough that it's like I can't figure out what kind of food will make it go away.  Am I hungry?  Did I eat too much?  Have I had too much sugar today?  Would plain toast make the oogies go away?  Not sure.

And my butt feels all bruised from the injection site.

Trigger day

We were expecting to trigger yesterday but the follicles were still a little small.  Went in for the ultrasound today and I've got about 15 that are ready to go with a couple more just slightly smaller.  Hopefully by the time I trigger in about 12 hours, those will be up to size as well.

Last time they got 19 eggs and 5 made it to final embryo stage.  We transferred 2 and froze 3.  We're hoping for similar numbers again.

And I might have to go to my husbands pet store to do the trigger shot because he's working the late shift tonight.  Since the shot is in my butt, I couldn't do it by myself even if I wanted to.  He's going to try to take an hour off so he can run home, do the shot, and go back to work but we'll see how well that plan works out.

I've got band-aids on the back of each hand because she couldn't get blood easily today.  Grrrrr.

Morning got here way too early today.

On a funny note, we've determined that my clinic has been playing Survivor.  We mentioned something about how their other office runs and the technician said "Yeah, we're on our own little island over here" to which my husband replied "and everyone keeps getting voted off."

Yup, right at the merge, my favorite nurse disappeared.  Recently, the woman who used to do the blood work disappeared, the financial aid person is also gone.  And now my doctor is leaving.  We liken him to the major power player who everyone eventually turns on a few votes after the merge.  The only one left is his right hand "man" which is my nurse.  Not sure how she's going to finagle her way into staying on that island.  I have to assume that her days are numbered as pretty much the last member of her original tribe.

I'm petrified

There are only 2 potential outcomes to this IVF cycle.  Either it works, or it doesn't.  And each of those options brings with it its own unique hell.

If it doesn't work, my world is just shattered.

I'm supposed to be a really good candidate for IVF and so far, every time I've done a fresh transfer, I've gotten pregnant with twins (that's 1 out of 1 times for those of you who are new here).  If I do another fresh transfer and don't get pregnant from it, suddenly I have to realize that my success rate with IVF is far below what we anticipated it would be.  I will lose all confidence in future attempts.  I was prepared for the FET to fail so it really didn't hit me all that hard.  It hit K hard because I don't think he ever considered that it might fail so he was devastated when it did.  I'm not mentally prepared for a fresh cycle to not work.  But I'm starting to realize, of the 4 absolutely perfect embryos that have been placed into my uterus, only 1 has survived.  Granted, it split into 2, but that means that 75% of the embryos transferred into me have died.  If that track record continues, I just don't know how many attempts I can handle.  This might be the last fresh attempt I'm willing and financially able to do.

And what if it does work?

I'm so afraid of being pregnant again.  Not of the being pregnant part, I loved that.  But I had no warning that something could go wrong last time.  I was being reassured every day that things were perfect.  And I got far enough along to turn that emotional corner.  To actually believe that things were going to go well.

One trip to the bathroom because I thought the pressure I was feeling was the need for a bowel movement, and suddenly my world becomes the worst place a person can exist.

If I had strained to push out a bowel movement that evening, had I not realized that the pressure I was feeling was coming from the front and not the back, I would have expelled one of my girls into the toilet.  So tell me folks, how am I ever going to be able to let my daily bowel movement happen if I'm terrified that I might accidentally squeeze out a fetus instead?  I know, it's not logical, but it seriously almost happened last time!  And if I recall correctly, I'm not allowed to take a stool softener while pregnant.  I'm going to be eating so much fiber it's going to be insane.  I don't want to have to push anything while I'm pregnant.

How am I going to enjoy being pregnant when every single twinge, every single wipe of toilet paper has the question attached to it - is this the moment I discover the beginning of another miscarriage?

Obviously, I want the results of a pregnancy.  And I really want all the happy, smug, pregnant person experiences.  I'm just not convinced that I'm going to be capable of having either.  And until some emotional switch is flipped inside me, the fear is going to make being pregnant a pure hell.

Happy Blogaversary!

I've now been writing this blog for one year!  Yay me!

And I really hate what it's become.  This blog was started to document the experiences of first time parents raising twins.  Instead, it's now a miscarriage and infertility blog.  This is not the story I wanted to be writing, and certainly not the story I wanted to be living.

One year ago, I was marveling at the fact that I had twins in the tummy.  Today, I got my blood drawn, a wand up in my bits to look at my ovaries and I'm expecting 2 injections of medication tonight.  I was supposed to be changing diapers when my blog hit one year old, not figuring out medication dosages.

I'm also finding myself gearing up to be more politically active.  I never wanted to be politically active.  I used to hardly ever watch the news.  But now, the republicans are trying to pass so many laws to restrict what a woman can do with her body, and it's really becoming personal.

The house just passed a bill that says that a hospital can refuse abortion services, even in emergency situations where the mothers life is in danger.  And all of the anti-abortion people are all happy pappy as if women are being all la-de-da about these decisions.

If this bill were in effect, I would be dead today.  If that law that the Georgia representative proposed earlier this year had been in effect, I would either be dead, or me and my doctor would be on death row for double homicide.

How can I not take it personally that an entire political party wants me dead?  I'm the person that they are trying to kill, in several different directions.  I'm not some slut who can't keep her legs closed, I'm a mom desperately trying to bring my children into this world.  If abortion procedures were not available, be it for financial reasons, moral reasons, or there was no doctor in the area who had the skills and knowledge to perform such procedures, I would be dead.

What sin have I committed to make these people want to kill me?

When I have the energy to do anything other than try to create babies, here are the causes I intend to become active in:

• Doctors must perform any tests requested by a mother who has miscarried after her first miscarriage.  They should not be able to refuse these tests until after the 3rd consecutive miscarriage.

• Abortion procedures, and doctors skilled in such procedures must be available in all emergency medical facilities.

• Adoption needs to become a viable option for infertile couples.  The costs associated with it and the procedural turmoil currently make it a very prohibitive option.

• Any health insurance plan that covers Viagra must also cover infertility treatments.  Treating infertility must be designated as a necessary medical procedure.

I could go on, but I think focusing my energy on those four will spread me quite thin enough.

Battle Wounds

No, you don't get to see the bruises on my stomach, I think I'll keep those private.

But here's from the blood draw 2 days ago -

And here's from my blood draw this morning - 

You gotta be tough to be an IVF Mama!

Random IVF tips - part 1

I'm about halfway through IVF attempt number I've lost count and most new readers are probably looking for tips from the pros.

So here are my random thoughts and tips on how to survive IVF, what you can expect, etc etc, in no particular order.


1)  The person you're doing this with is VERY important.  If you have a partner who acts childish when things don't go their way, or they get grumpy when you aren't feeling frisky, or what have you, this is going to be far more difficult than it needs to be.

This is going to be a strain.  And if your relationship tends to be a bit rocky, this process is going to exaggerate every flaw in that relationship.  You both need to be in the mindset that your role in life is to provide whatever you are capable of providing for your partner.  You have each others backs.

Look at when you disagree about something, how do you come to a conclusion?  Do you argue until someone wins?  Or do you discuss it until you both naturally come to the same conclusion?  If your relationship is the former, you might be in for some problems.  But if you generally tend towards the latter, things are pretty strong between you.

Why is this so important?  Because logistically this process is a pain in the butt.  Physically, you become the grouchy tired version of yourself.  Emotionally, you go a lot of different directions.  For once in her life, the woman needs to tend to her own needs first.  This is not the norm for many of us and your partner may feel like you're being selfish, or a princess, or whatever.  If your partner is unable to sacrifice their needs in favor of your needs for this time period without making you feel like crap for doing so, you are going to get yourself completely stressed out, stress leads to failure, so there you go.

2)  Spread the pain.

Put your partner in charge of all medications.  This is the person you will be trusting to raise your child, so trust them to take care of the medications.  The men can only be a part of the baby making process so much, so put as much as physically possible in their hands.

Dealing with medication takes some mental energy, and logistical energy (being in the right place at the right time to administer the meds).  You are already dealing with the physical energy this takes from you, and the logistical energy of being at doctors appointments every 48 hours, so he can deal with the mental energy.

If you sit at home and give yourself an injection while he's out having a beer with this buddies, there's going to be some resentment building up.  So avoid that resentment and make him an active part of the process.  And if he bitches about it, tell him this - if you were able to conceive the natural way, you would have his full undivided attention for the conception of your child.  Yes, you have to put more time and effort in, but it's only fair that you still have his full undivided attention while you conceive your child this way.

Ask him to be at as many doctors appointments as possible.  Unless he'll get fired or something, it's only fair that he have to work his schedule around these damned appointments the same as you do.  And this way, you have two sets of ears to hear the information that the doctors toss at you.  Don't worry, a lot of men sit in as their wives are getting wanded, yours won't be the first.

Another reason for this - IVF doesn't always work.  And if it doesn't, you are going to second guess everything and wonder if you did something wrong.  If he has some responsibility in it, he will have some of those thoughts and guilts too and you'll better be there for each other for the difficult process of mourning the failed cycle.

**PS**  One thing I forgot to mention here.  Men tend to feel that their job is to protect us, to make things better for us.  Keep in mind that while he's inflicting the pain of a needle on you, or he's watching you wince while a doctor is poking and prodding you, he is feeling a major discomfort as well.  And really, I'd say that the discomfort is about equal.  Yours may be physical, but he's standing by, completely helpless to help you.  That's what our men have nightmares about, so do be sensitive to the fact that he's going through that.  You'll have enough discomfort to hold over his head during the pregnancy, don't hold the discomfort of IVF over his head too or he's going to start feeling like no one gives a shit about how hard this is for him.

3)  Ice for some injections, not worth it for others.

For lupron, I don't bother with ice.  The ice is more annoying than the needle.

For menapur, I do ice up first.  For some reason, that shit stings and bruises.  We've got a flat, flexible ice pack with a nice fabric cover.  When hubby starts prepping the meds, I put that on my stomach and zip my pants over it to hold it there.

4)  Sometimes you bleed a little from the injections.  Not much.  Just letting you know so you don't panic.

5)  Buy gonal-f only as needed.  That shit's expensive and a lot of fertility pharmacies automatically overnight their medications.  So if you can, buy half of what you need up front, then buy the other half later in the process.  You might find that you can get away with buying a little bit less than you were originally prescribed, but you can't return it once you have it.

Actually, do what you can to buy stuff as needed.  I've had 3 cycles now that have been cancelled before I got into the major medication stage.  Some of those meds aren't even used for my protocols anymore so I'm never going to need them.  Some of those leftovers are usable and I'm using them, but seriously, put off buying meds until you have to if you have a pharmacy that overnights stuff.  If getting the meds is a 3 week process due to insurance or whatever, disregard that advice.

6)  Run everything through insurance, even if they say they aren't paying a penny of it.  Sometimes, they randomly cover one or two medications, like the antibiotics.  You never know what those are going to be, and odds are it won't help a whole lot, but hey, 20 bucks is still 20 bucks.

7)  Cranky, tired, and stressed.  You're not imagining it.  You're not being a selfish princess.  You are being chemically programmed to feel that way.  So it's likely that you will feel stressed out, even though you can't figure out what is going on in life that should be stressing you out.  Don't feel guilty about this, just give in and be cranky.

8)  Sex might go out the window.  You're going to have enough people up in your bits every day that you might feel like sex is just another invasion of your body.  Hubby will better understand why you don't feel like it if he goes to the ultrasound appointments with you.

9)  Do IVF during Halloween season.  You can buy massive amounts of candy and no one will blink an eye.


I'll write more of this when I'm further along in the process.  Sound off in the comments!  What should every woman know as they start IVF?

Wow, and he still married me

So I'm in the birth control phase of IVF and I don't know what the hell is happening to me.

I'm emotionally all over the place!  I know that Lupron kicks my ass, but I'm not going to be taking that this time.  All I'm on is the pill.  I don't remember ever being this emotional with such a small amount of fake hormone.

I left the TV on a Frasier marathon while I was working in the pottery studio.  It's a season I didn't actually see when first run, so the episodes are new to me.  Niles has heart surgery and there are vignettes of different time periods showing what has happened in a hospital in the characters lives.  And my brain starts rerunning the episode of my own hospital experience.  It doesn't help that this TV station is sponsored by whatever company makes those damned "A baby changes everything" commercials.

All sorts of crying as my mind pictures the various sites of being in that hospital bed and then getting butterfly tummy at the thought that I might ACTUALLY be bathing and cooing at a baby some day.

Bear in mind that I'm in the pottery studio all day because I'm doing piece work.  I'm still trying to get up to speed as I'm still only earning about half minimum wage per hour.  It's doing something I love, but still....

So K comes home and I follow him into the house and he's obviously irritated at the sink full of dishes.  He does the majority of the housework so he has a right to be annoyed that I'm not doing my fair share.  He doesn't say a thing about it to me but I still perceive him as being irritated so I say something about it.  And again, I start crying.

Why you might ask?  Because quite frankly, I'm really embarrassed.  When we got together, I was working 30 hours a week and earning $40k per year doing it.  And I put in a 9 hour day today and didn't even earn $40.  I'm doing my best.  I'm determined not to be a lazy housewife.  Not to be someone who "works" from home, who puts in about an hour of work and then cruises the internet all day.  My boss is currently behind in inventory and has said that she will take as many of these pots as I can produce.  So I'm putting in 8 or 9 hour days regardless of how little money it actually brings in.  At least it's SOMETHING.  But I'm still completely embarrassed by what a useless waste of space I've become and I can't figure out how to change it.  And I used to be really smart.  I could learn anything.  Now, when I try to learn something, my brain feels like mush.

So what the hell birth control pill!?  You've never done this to me before.

And here's the weird thing.... I was on BCP when K and I met (trying to regulate my period).  I was on BCP until we got married and started TTC.  Good lord, is this what I was like that entire time????  And he married me anyway????

ICLW Intro

Hello ICLW'ers!  For those who don't know me or where I'm at, here's the run down.

A little about me - I'm 36, and a videographer/potter in Washington State.  I was making a decent living as a videographer for a while, but the jobs have slowed to a painfully slow trickle.  And I feel like I can't really put any effort into my business because of the constant anticipation of either being pregnant or undergoing IVF treatments which always seem to be 6 weeks into my future.  Pottery was a hobby for a while, but I've recently gotten a job doing piece work as a production potter.  While it ain't bringin in the big bucks, it allows me to at least earn something, and it's completely on my own schedule.

I'm kind, but I'm not particularly nice.  When it comes right down to it, I'm going to go out of my way for people, but on the surface, I often say those things that people would rather I not say.

My goal with this blog was to say all those things that for some reason people don't actually say out loud.  So that one person can google an awful thought they may be having, find me, and be able to say "Oh good, someone else is as a big a jerk as I feel like I am for thinking this!"

The history:

My Early 20's - finally learn why I don't have any kind of regular cycle.  I have PCOS.  My fear is confirmed, it's unlikely I will get pregnant without medical assistance.

Feb 2002 - meet my husband K on Match.com.  Early while we're dating, I tell him that if his own genetic babies are important to him, I'm not the girl to fall in love with because I will intend to adopt since a happy accident is unlikely.  He fell in love with me anyway.

May 2005 - marry K.  Toss birth control and depression medications away.

June 2005 - Sink into misery.  Decide that there's only a 1% chance of me ever getting pregnant but a 100% chance that I can't really function without the bipolar meds.  Continue pregnancy testing every 2 months regardless of period status so I can stop meds as early in a pregnancy as possible.  This never became an issue.

Oct 2008 - jaw surgery to cure sleep apnea.

second half of 2009 - Meet with an adoption lawyer, apply to an adoption agency.  We are turned down, probably because we check marked the box about requesting information about financial assistance with the adoption process.  Narrow it down to 2 more agencies and drag feet on paperwork.  Decide to go to the fertility clinic and finally determine once and for all what the medical situation really is rather than making assumptions I might regret.

Dec 2009 -March 2010 - all testing is done.  K fails the acumen reaction test, I have plenty of decent eggs, but with the PCOS, they just aren't going to function on their own.  Major relief - we are good candidates for IVF, and it's an equal problem on both halves of the equation.  It's not just me.  Feel bad that K has an issue too, but really, very relieved that the problem is a combination of both of us.

Go off the bipolar medications and prepare to be miserable again.  But I'm fine.  After several months, it's determined that the surgery that solved my sleep apnea problem also solved the root problem of the bipolar issues I had been dealing with for 2 decades.  I was chronically sleep deprived.  Have not had the need to go back on medications.

May 2010 - first IVF attempt.  We do the first menapur injection while at my best friends baby shower that I was throwing because irony decided to time things that way.  My body ejects the eggs about 24 hours prematurely and we don't make it to egg retrieval.

August 2010 - Second IVF attempt.  Success!  Twins!

October 2010 - firmly believe that I'm going to be a twin mom, start blogging the twin mom experience thinking it would be cool to have a blog out there that started practically from day 1.

November 2010 - near the end o my first trimester, the aforementioned best friend decides that I'm not acting happy enough about my pregnancy, that I'm not being proactive enough about my birthing plan (um, still not sure it's gonna stick bitch), that I shouldn't be a mother and ends our friendship of 4 years making sure to take as many cruel potshots as she can stab me with on her way out the door.

December 22, 2010 - Lost the girls due to a random infection and join the club of the miscarriage mamas.

January 2011 - my IVF Clinic of Pure Awesome is merged with IVF Clinic of Bureaucratic Bullshit (ICBB).  Same doctor and nurse, but what used to be a team effort now feels like an adversarial relationship.

March 2011 - start an FET cycle.  It's halted prematurely because my prolactin levels are elevated.  This sends me to various doctors to determine whether or not I might have a brain tumor.  Still not sure about that, but the medications that I'm on to reduce the prolactin levels seem to be working so either it was never there to begin with, or it's there, but managed just fine with the meds.  Decide not to investigate further for the time being.

First week of May 2011 - Hell week.  Anniversary on May 1, my birthday on May 2 (congratulations!  You just lost 5 success rate percentage points!), we had hoped the twins would be born around midnight of May 3/4, K's birthday on May 5, day we would have induced if that girls had not already been born on May 7, Mother's Day May 8.

May/June 2011 - Complete FET cycle.  We thaw 2 of our 3 "maybes", they look fantastic.  Looks were deceiving.  BFN.

July 2011 - begin fresh IVF attempt.  ICBB decides that they can't do egg retrievals on fat girls.  So even though I've lost about 20lbs since I underwent IVF the prior year, suddenly it's dangerous.  They determine that I'm 5'5" despite my protests that I am in fact 5'4" and say that I'm only 7.5lbs over the weight limit.  If I can get that down below 240lbs before suppression check, we can move forward.  Thus I begin the diet from hell.  All while on BCP and getting bloated from those mind you, I still manage to lose 11lbs in 20 days.  I show up for the consultation before we start stim meds (the day before suppression check), weigh in at 236.5lbs and they decide that oh gee, you are 5'4" and you actually have to be below 232lbs.  Son of a bitch!

August/September 2011 - diet like a normal person (though still cranky that my babies are being held hostage until I lose weight as I get older and older and older).

September 20, 2011 - cycle day 5, baseline day.  I weigh in officially at 230lbs.  YES!!!  Nurse thinks I can scrap the diet now, but it's the anesthesiology department that has the final say.  Now when I talked to them 6 weeks ago, they said I had to be below 232 at suppression check.  That's still 2 weeks away.  My nurse should be calling me any minute to tell me if it's official, my weight is recorded and they won't try to get me on a scale again or if I need to keep up some diligence to make sure I don't bloat up over that weight limit in the next 2 weeks.

Here I go.  Fresh IVF attempt.  This is attempt, what would it be now, number 6?  Number 3 since I've only complete 2 previous attempts?  This is probably the last fresh attempt we can afford to do so the goal is to get as many embryos on ice (after they transfer a couple) for either future attempts or a sibling for the child we hope we're creating right now.  We're in the boring part of IVF, nothing to do but take BCP every night.

Wheee!!!!!!!

For all other IVF'ers out there, here's the song I've had in my head for over a month now.  Thinking of singing it myself and making a music video to it.  Yeah, go ahead, tell me it doesn't fit.  This should be our friggin theme song!

Good to go

Had my baseline this morning.  9 follicles on each side.  Blood pressure is perfect.  And I weighed in at 230!  Yes!  2.5lbs BELOW the weight required by anesthesia!

Now my nurse said that we're good to go.  No more weigh-ins, this was it, I'm moving forward.

You'll excuse me if I don't quite take her word for it yet.  When I checked in with anesthesia 6 weeks ago, they said I had to be below 232 at suppression check.  That's still a little over 2 weeks, and several weight gaining BCP from now.  She's double checking with anesthesia and every body that could possibly have a say in this and she'll call me back with the final answer later today or tomorrow.

It's possible that my diet is officially over today.  It's possible that I have to keep it going another 16 days or so.

Tell ya what, when I finally get the official, legally binding, no they can't change their minds declaration that my diet is over, I will post the recipes for Chili-getti and Frango pie.  Because that's what I intend to eat!  There is nothing virtuous about this meal.  It's not vegan, it's not low calorie, it's not low fat, it's probably not organic.  One has a whole lotta cheese and the other has a whole lotta butter and sugar.  I'm going to assume that suppression check will be the final word on my weight.

Let the countdown to Chili-getti begin!  16 days and counting.

Aunt Flow that Fickle Foe

Guess who came for a visit today!

Yes, my body has once again shunned all schedules and logic and decided to bleed in the middle of a provera regime designed to induce said period.

But I'm actually excited.  It's weird.  Maybe I just had too much caffeine this morning, but as soon as I discovered that my cycle had started, I got butterflies in my stomach and an actual "this is gonna happen!" feeling.

With my history, I'm afraid to express any hope or positive feelings out loud so I won't, cuz every time I actually feel like I'm finally going to have a family, it's taken away from me again.  So.......I'm completely pessimistic about this cycle *squee!*, not gonna happen *hehe!*, no really, this is gonna be a total bust *OMG!*

I'm also nervous that for some reason, since I was only on day 4 of provera, for some reason AF showing up at the wrong time will prevent this from actually happening somehow.  Half expecting a phone call tomorrow saying "nope, the provera is a bad start so we'll have to wait another cycle."

Approximate final date of weigh-in (at suppression check) - October 4
Weight today - 233.9lbs
Goal weight - 232.5

This can so happen!   Oh wait, can't have hope, that jinxes it.  Scratch that.  This is totally gonna suck!

Wastin away again in Proveraville

Well, AF decided not to visit.  You know, the one time in my life I actually want the bitch here.  But ain't that always the way?

I'm on provera for 7 days.  Hopefully to force AF to get her butt here in about 10 days so I can start this friggin cycle.

By the way, when the hell did I become one of these people?

I'm not even cycling yet and I'm one of those people on so many vitamins and medications that I have to plot them out a week in advance to keep them all straight!  

You are looking at:

• Vitamin D
• Alli - diet pill
• Synthroid
• Folic acid
• Metformin
• Prenatals
• Provera

When I'm cycling, I take little Post-it flags and write the name of the injection, or however many vivelle patches I'm supposed to apply, or whatever, and stick them on the lid of the AM or PM of the appropriate day.  Then I throw the flag away when I've taken that medication so that I have a visual indicator of where the hell I am in the daily medications.

It's official, I'm gettin old.