My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Wow, and he still married me

So I'm in the birth control phase of IVF and I don't know what the hell is happening to me.

I'm emotionally all over the place!  I know that Lupron kicks my ass, but I'm not going to be taking that this time.  All I'm on is the pill.  I don't remember ever being this emotional with such a small amount of fake hormone.

I left the TV on a Frasier marathon while I was working in the pottery studio.  It's a season I didn't actually see when first run, so the episodes are new to me.  Niles has heart surgery and there are vignettes of different time periods showing what has happened in a hospital in the characters lives.  And my brain starts rerunning the episode of my own hospital experience.  It doesn't help that this TV station is sponsored by whatever company makes those damned "A baby changes everything" commercials.

All sorts of crying as my mind pictures the various sites of being in that hospital bed and then getting butterfly tummy at the thought that I might ACTUALLY be bathing and cooing at a baby some day.

Bear in mind that I'm in the pottery studio all day because I'm doing piece work.  I'm still trying to get up to speed as I'm still only earning about half minimum wage per hour.  It's doing something I love, but still....

So K comes home and I follow him into the house and he's obviously irritated at the sink full of dishes.  He does the majority of the housework so he has a right to be annoyed that I'm not doing my fair share.  He doesn't say a thing about it to me but I still perceive him as being irritated so I say something about it.  And again, I start crying.

Why you might ask?  Because quite frankly, I'm really embarrassed.  When we got together, I was working 30 hours a week and earning $40k per year doing it.  And I put in a 9 hour day today and didn't even earn $40.  I'm doing my best.  I'm determined not to be a lazy housewife.  Not to be someone who "works" from home, who puts in about an hour of work and then cruises the internet all day.  My boss is currently behind in inventory and has said that she will take as many of these pots as I can produce.  So I'm putting in 8 or 9 hour days regardless of how little money it actually brings in.  At least it's SOMETHING.  But I'm still completely embarrassed by what a useless waste of space I've become and I can't figure out how to change it.  And I used to be really smart.  I could learn anything.  Now, when I try to learn something, my brain feels like mush.

So what the hell birth control pill!?  You've never done this to me before.

And here's the weird thing.... I was on BCP when K and I met (trying to regulate my period).  I was on BCP until we got married and started TTC.  Good lord, is this what I was like that entire time????  And he married me anyway????


  1. bcp are the devil!!
    the worst part of ivf.....

  2. Hugs, honey. Could it be hopped up emotions around the pressure of hoping for a successful IVF outcome? We're trying right now (naturally, next month will be back to the injectibles if this doesn't work) and I'm very emotional, too...without the BCP. This is a whole new, scary adventure...

  3. It could be the bcp combined with intense stress and emotions... but in any case, wow, I feel like you were writing my life! My husband does a majority of the housework, and I don't work (at least, I won't be in a few days), and I am planning on going to the studio to make more things to maybe sell and bring in a few dollars. And the guilt over not being a "lazy housewife" but still not making any money... So frustrating! So stressful!

  4. Urgh. BCP's are evil. Hang in there. Huge hugs!


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