ICLW Intro

Hello ICLW'ers!  For those who don't know me or where I'm at, here's the run down.

A little about me - I'm 36, and a videographer/potter in Washington State.  I was making a decent living as a videographer for a while, but the jobs have slowed to a painfully slow trickle.  And I feel like I can't really put any effort into my business because of the constant anticipation of either being pregnant or undergoing IVF treatments which always seem to be 6 weeks into my future.  Pottery was a hobby for a while, but I've recently gotten a job doing piece work as a production potter.  While it ain't bringin in the big bucks, it allows me to at least earn something, and it's completely on my own schedule.

I'm kind, but I'm not particularly nice.  When it comes right down to it, I'm going to go out of my way for people, but on the surface, I often say those things that people would rather I not say.

My goal with this blog was to say all those things that for some reason people don't actually say out loud.  So that one person can google an awful thought they may be having, find me, and be able to say "Oh good, someone else is as a big a jerk as I feel like I am for thinking this!"

The history:

My Early 20's - finally learn why I don't have any kind of regular cycle.  I have PCOS.  My fear is confirmed, it's unlikely I will get pregnant without medical assistance.

Feb 2002 - meet my husband K on Match.com.  Early while we're dating, I tell him that if his own genetic babies are important to him, I'm not the girl to fall in love with because I will intend to adopt since a happy accident is unlikely.  He fell in love with me anyway.

May 2005 - marry K.  Toss birth control and depression medications away.

June 2005 - Sink into misery.  Decide that there's only a 1% chance of me ever getting pregnant but a 100% chance that I can't really function without the bipolar meds.  Continue pregnancy testing every 2 months regardless of period status so I can stop meds as early in a pregnancy as possible.  This never became an issue.

Oct 2008 - jaw surgery to cure sleep apnea.

second half of 2009 - Meet with an adoption lawyer, apply to an adoption agency.  We are turned down, probably because we check marked the box about requesting information about financial assistance with the adoption process.  Narrow it down to 2 more agencies and drag feet on paperwork.  Decide to go to the fertility clinic and finally determine once and for all what the medical situation really is rather than making assumptions I might regret.

Dec 2009 -March 2010 - all testing is done.  K fails the acumen reaction test, I have plenty of decent eggs, but with the PCOS, they just aren't going to function on their own.  Major relief - we are good candidates for IVF, and it's an equal problem on both halves of the equation.  It's not just me.  Feel bad that K has an issue too, but really, very relieved that the problem is a combination of both of us.

Go off the bipolar medications and prepare to be miserable again.  But I'm fine.  After several months, it's determined that the surgery that solved my sleep apnea problem also solved the root problem of the bipolar issues I had been dealing with for 2 decades.  I was chronically sleep deprived.  Have not had the need to go back on medications.

May 2010 - first IVF attempt.  We do the first menapur injection while at my best friends baby shower that I was throwing because irony decided to time things that way.  My body ejects the eggs about 24 hours prematurely and we don't make it to egg retrieval.

August 2010 - Second IVF attempt.  Success!  Twins!

October 2010 - firmly believe that I'm going to be a twin mom, start blogging the twin mom experience thinking it would be cool to have a blog out there that started practically from day 1.

November 2010 - near the end o my first trimester, the aforementioned best friend decides that I'm not acting happy enough about my pregnancy, that I'm not being proactive enough about my birthing plan (um, still not sure it's gonna stick bitch), that I shouldn't be a mother and ends our friendship of 4 years making sure to take as many cruel potshots as she can stab me with on her way out the door.

December 22, 2010 - Lost the girls due to a random infection and join the club of the miscarriage mamas.

January 2011 - my IVF Clinic of Pure Awesome is merged with IVF Clinic of Bureaucratic Bullshit (ICBB).  Same doctor and nurse, but what used to be a team effort now feels like an adversarial relationship.

March 2011 - start an FET cycle.  It's halted prematurely because my prolactin levels are elevated.  This sends me to various doctors to determine whether or not I might have a brain tumor.  Still not sure about that, but the medications that I'm on to reduce the prolactin levels seem to be working so either it was never there to begin with, or it's there, but managed just fine with the meds.  Decide not to investigate further for the time being.

First week of May 2011 - Hell week.  Anniversary on May 1, my birthday on May 2 (congratulations!  You just lost 5 success rate percentage points!), we had hoped the twins would be born around midnight of May 3/4, K's birthday on May 5, day we would have induced if that girls had not already been born on May 7, Mother's Day May 8.

May/June 2011 - Complete FET cycle.  We thaw 2 of our 3 "maybes", they look fantastic.  Looks were deceiving.  BFN.

July 2011 - begin fresh IVF attempt.  ICBB decides that they can't do egg retrievals on fat girls.  So even though I've lost about 20lbs since I underwent IVF the prior year, suddenly it's dangerous.  They determine that I'm 5'5" despite my protests that I am in fact 5'4" and say that I'm only 7.5lbs over the weight limit.  If I can get that down below 240lbs before suppression check, we can move forward.  Thus I begin the diet from hell.  All while on BCP and getting bloated from those mind you, I still manage to lose 11lbs in 20 days.  I show up for the consultation before we start stim meds (the day before suppression check), weigh in at 236.5lbs and they decide that oh gee, you are 5'4" and you actually have to be below 232lbs.  Son of a bitch!

August/September 2011 - diet like a normal person (though still cranky that my babies are being held hostage until I lose weight as I get older and older and older).

September 20, 2011 - cycle day 5, baseline day.  I weigh in officially at 230lbs.  YES!!!  Nurse thinks I can scrap the diet now, but it's the anesthesiology department that has the final say.  Now when I talked to them 6 weeks ago, they said I had to be below 232 at suppression check.  That's still 2 weeks away.  My nurse should be calling me any minute to tell me if it's official, my weight is recorded and they won't try to get me on a scale again or if I need to keep up some diligence to make sure I don't bloat up over that weight limit in the next 2 weeks.

Here I go.  Fresh IVF attempt.  This is attempt, what would it be now, number 6?  Number 3 since I've only complete 2 previous attempts?  This is probably the last fresh attempt we can afford to do so the goal is to get as many embryos on ice (after they transfer a couple) for either future attempts or a sibling for the child we hope we're creating right now.  We're in the boring part of IVF, nothing to do but take BCP every night.

Wheee!!!!!!!

For all other IVF'ers out there, here's the song I've had in my head for over a month now.  Thinking of singing it myself and making a music video to it.  Yeah, go ahead, tell me it doesn't fit.  This should be our friggin theme song!