Happy Blogaversary!

I've now been writing this blog for one year!  Yay me!

And I really hate what it's become.  This blog was started to document the experiences of first time parents raising twins.  Instead, it's now a miscarriage and infertility blog.  This is not the story I wanted to be writing, and certainly not the story I wanted to be living.

One year ago, I was marveling at the fact that I had twins in the tummy.  Today, I got my blood drawn, a wand up in my bits to look at my ovaries and I'm expecting 2 injections of medication tonight.  I was supposed to be changing diapers when my blog hit one year old, not figuring out medication dosages.

I'm also finding myself gearing up to be more politically active.  I never wanted to be politically active.  I used to hardly ever watch the news.  But now, the republicans are trying to pass so many laws to restrict what a woman can do with her body, and it's really becoming personal.

The house just passed a bill that says that a hospital can refuse abortion services, even in emergency situations where the mothers life is in danger.  And all of the anti-abortion people are all happy pappy as if women are being all la-de-da about these decisions.

If this bill were in effect, I would be dead today.  If that law that the Georgia representative proposed earlier this year had been in effect, I would either be dead, or me and my doctor would be on death row for double homicide.

How can I not take it personally that an entire political party wants me dead?  I'm the person that they are trying to kill, in several different directions.  I'm not some slut who can't keep her legs closed, I'm a mom desperately trying to bring my children into this world.  If abortion procedures were not available, be it for financial reasons, moral reasons, or there was no doctor in the area who had the skills and knowledge to perform such procedures, I would be dead.

What sin have I committed to make these people want to kill me?

When I have the energy to do anything other than try to create babies, here are the causes I intend to become active in:

• Doctors must perform any tests requested by a mother who has miscarried after her first miscarriage.  They should not be able to refuse these tests until after the 3rd consecutive miscarriage.

• Abortion procedures, and doctors skilled in such procedures must be available in all emergency medical facilities.

• Adoption needs to become a viable option for infertile couples.  The costs associated with it and the procedural turmoil currently make it a very prohibitive option.

• Any health insurance plan that covers Viagra must also cover infertility treatments.  Treating infertility must be designated as a necessary medical procedure.

I could go on, but I think focusing my energy on those four will spread me quite thin enough.

I went all explody

Blame it on the ho-o-o-o-o-ormones, blame it on the ho-o-o-o-o-ormones.

My brother stopped by the deliver the rocking chair that they no longer use and that we're hoping I'll have use for some day.  We put it in the nursery and he kind of plopped in it to relax for a moment.  Then he reacted kind of put out when I asked if we could chill out in the living room because I'm rather uncomfortable hanging out in the nursery.

I've been bottling up emotions relating to my brother for a long time.  For the history, read this post.  I haven't really brought it up to him in the past because it's seemed rather pointless to do so.  It's not an insult he can take back.  Kind of like if a wife asks her husband if she's getting fat and he hesitates for a moment.  No matter how much he says she looks wonderful and that she's not fat at all, the wife will always remember that moment of hesitation and it can't be undone.

And if I weren't reminded of the insult every month that I'm not pregnant.....ok, maybe it's not an insult so much as it is that he gave me a very tangible reason to fear that no one will ever choose me to be parent when my future as a parent may very well be dependent on someone choosing me one day.  Maybe if I weren't constantly reminded of that, I would have forgotten the insult a long time ago.  But I relive it every day.  And since he caused me so much hurt, I naturally keep the source of pain at arms length and as a result, I've kept my brother at arms length.

Anyway, I digress.  There's a logistical situation that we need to work out.  He keeps a gun in his home for protection.  He is Mr. Safety Guy and has done everything that a responsible gun owner should do to keep it safe.  However, I have already lost 2 children to a one in a million chance occurrence.  And I've never been comfortable being in a house that has both a gun and a hyper little boy.  So if I'm pregnant 3 weeks from now, well I've made the parental decision that I do not want my children on the premises of a firearm.  So I bring this up to him.  And as we try to figure out some logistics that would make me comfortable, I try to soften the tension by saying that I realize my fear may be irrational and that when I'm pregnant, I intend to go into full Pregnancy Princess mode and I'm probably going to be irrationally cautious all over the place.

So he asks me, quite seriously, that if I'm this terrified, should I even be a parent in the first place.

Aaaaaaaaaand Boom goes the dynamite.

Once again, someone is passing judgement on me on whether or not I should even be a parent.  The source of my hot button on that particular issue is fucking pushing that button, AGAIN.

Cue the crying.  Verbal diarrhea and snotty tears spew throughout the room in a "do you have any clue as to how angry I've been with you for the last 5 years??" meltdown.

We're about 2 hours into it when it dawns on me, hey, I'm not supposed to allow myself to have any stress right now.  Insert a big ole fail whale here.

I'm now dehydrated, my eyes are puffy and hurt, I have a headache, K won't be home for another 2 hours or so, and I would have to assume that my prolactin levels are currently through the roof.

All I managed to accomplish was to make both of us miserable when there's nothing that can be done to fix what it is that hurts.

But at the end of the conversation, I did tell him that little comments like "you don't understand because you don't have children", he needs to stop saying that.  When he says shit like that, no matter what he's actually saying, what an infertile hears is "You're not valid because you can't breed."  So maybe that was accomplished.

K just received the following 2 text messages from me.

1)  *brother* delivered rocking chair.  Conversation lead him to ask if I think I should even have children at all.  6 years of pent up emotions exploded all over, for about 2 hours.

2)  Bring chocolate.

Aren't I the nice wife for warning him about what he's going to be walking into when he gets home from work?

PS - This is how K responds to the directive "bring chocolate"

Whatever else may suck in my life, I married real good.

Growing list of snarky comebacks

We all hear the rude comments.  We all wish we had just the right come back in mind when those comments are said to us.

So now, I present to you:

The Growing list of Snarky Comebacks!

You tell me a comment (email me or in the comments of this post)  you heard that you want a really snarky comeback for and I'll write you that comeback.  You score 5 internet points for every comeback that you actually have the balls to say in person!  Check back often for more comments and comebacks!  I'll get us started.


Have you ever thought about adopting?

Comeback 1)  OMG!  You mean that's actually an option????  My life problems are solved!  Thank the heavens you thought of that!

Comeback 2)  I called Babies R Us, but they were out of stock this month.

Comeback 3) You mean people actually give away children that they don't want?  I can't believe I wasn't given away before I hit the age of 3!


Just relax and it will happen.

Comeback 1)  I can not believe that my team of doctors who went to medical school for a decade and has been studying how to make babies for several more decades never recommended that.  I don't know why they would open a fertility clinic if they could have just been giving out massages all this time for the same results.


It's all a part of God's plan.

Comeback 1)  Any god that would drain the resources of someone who wants to provide for a child while giving a child to people like the cast of Teen Mom, that my friend, is one sick son of a bitch!

Comeback 2)  Apparently the plan is to ensure that every human being experiences a whole lot of misery.

Comeback 3)  Anyone who would mastermind this kind of misery sounds like those abusers on Jerry Springer with a bunch of bitches whining "But I luuuuuuuurrrves hee-um!"

Comeback 4)  Thank you.  I'm officially converted to Atheism now.


Just have more sex!

Comeback 1)  You are so right.  I'm such a prude.

Comeback 2)  Is that an offer?


You've been married a while now, shouldn't you be having children already?  Tick Tock you know!

Comeback 1)  How far up does your tampon go?  Oh, I'm sorry.  I had assumed by your question about my plans for my crotch that all crotches were appropriate dinner conversation.

Comeback 2)  Well, so far, I've had 2 dead babies, 3 embryos that didn't take, 1 embryo sitting in a freezer, and my body is currently being injected with hormones on a daily basis to create more embryos and potentially more pregnancies.  But I'll see what I can do to hurry things up for you!


*Courtesy of Eggsinarow*  Are you guys thinking about kids? It's pretty much time!

Comeback 1 as provided by EIAR)  No, we can't. We have white carpeting, and clean up is a bitch.


Well, maybe your miscarriage was a blessing in disguise.

Comeback 1)  Scariest Halloween disguise EVER!

Comeback 2)  Very true.  Nothing says "blessed" like a dead baby.  Oh wait, I have 2!  Lucky, lucky me!


Get over it already!  It happens to a lot of people.

Comeback 1)  So does cancer.  I really wish those bald whiners would shut the hell up already!



So sound off in the comments everyone.  What is your most hated yet common line?  We'll keep populating this list until it's huge!

Wastin away again in Proveraville

Well, AF decided not to visit.  You know, the one time in my life I actually want the bitch here.  But ain't that always the way?

I'm on provera for 7 days.  Hopefully to force AF to get her butt here in about 10 days so I can start this friggin cycle.

By the way, when the hell did I become one of these people?

I'm not even cycling yet and I'm one of those people on so many vitamins and medications that I have to plot them out a week in advance to keep them all straight!  

You are looking at:

• Vitamin D
• Alli - diet pill
• Synthroid
• Folic acid
• Metformin
• Prenatals
• Provera

When I'm cycling, I take little Post-it flags and write the name of the injection, or however many vivelle patches I'm supposed to apply, or whatever, and stick them on the lid of the AM or PM of the appropriate day.  Then I throw the flag away when I've taken that medication so that I have a visual indicator of where the hell I am in the daily medications.

It's official, I'm gettin old.

Where oh where has my AF gone?

Oh where, oh where can she beeeeeeeeeeeeee?

I expected to start a little AF action some time last week.  If my body were functioning on a normal monthly schedule (ha!  my body!  normal monthly schedule!  LOL!!!  *wiping tears away*  Yeah, cuz THAT ever happens.  Oh excuse me. Ok, ok, back to the actual sentence I was trying to write) I should have been able to expect a period to start somewhere around the 4th.  And for the first couple of days of Sept, I had lovely PMS symptoms.  I bloated up a few pounds, I was cranky, I had cramps.  And then around the 4th, they magically went away so I really expected an AF appearance.

And just to put everyone's mind at ease, I've dutifully POAS, and it sits next me, the control line rapidly darkening with no second line trying to peek through.  I'll update at the end of this post when the 5 minutes are fully up.

Now on the one hand, every day that I go without AF is a day longer that I have to get down to the goal weight. I'm currently waffling between barely hitting it, and being a pound or two above it.  So yes, a little more time to firmly get that number down is a good thing.

On the other hand, COME ON!  Let's get this puppy started!  I want to be pregnant already and AF signals about 4 weeks before that can happen.  Let's go already!  I even wore light gray pants out to a fancy dinner with my folks last night just to see if I could Murphy's Law it into being.

And K wants to take a few days off from work to use up the PTO that he has in bank and that he'll lose if he doesn't use it up by Feb.  But he doesn't want to use it during the holiday retail season, cuz that would just make him a jerk.  It would make sense for him to take off the week off egg retrieval and transfer so we'd really like to know when to expect that week to fall on the calendar.

If nothing happens by Monday, I guess I'll call the doc and see if we should kick start this puppy with some provera.


The stick confirms that a freebie ain't happening.

The long road was supposed to be short

Well, it's coming up on that time.  That time when I start thinking in terms of "one year ago today...."

I never wanted to be years into this journey.  I really didn't.  I figured that after over 4 years of trying naturally, then finding out we were good candidates for IVF, well, I thought I was gonna be one of the lucky ones.  I started the fertility treatments when I was nearing the end of age 34.  It really never occurred to me that I would find myself well into age 36 still prepped at the starting line, waiting for the pistol to shoot.  But here I am.  Butt in the air, feet ready to launch, hands on the track, and the pistol still ain't shooting.

And at the start of this journey, we had a false start.  That first IVF attempt was stopped just before egg retrieval because of a hormone surge.  I was arrogant enough to believe that that was it.  That was our challenge.  That was going to be the extent of our troubles along this journey.

And when the second attempt resulted in twins and extra embryos, oh boy did my arrogance soar!  We had a false start, and to make up for it, the universe was giving me twins, woot!

You can see the arrogance simply in the title of this blog.  I never bothered to write about the infertility part of it (other than a basic recap at the beginning of the blog) and instead, I had intended to become a mommy blogger.  Blogging about the daily life of raising twins, starting from the very, very beginning of pregnancy.

Here I am, coming up on the one year anniversary of the creation of my girls.  Aug 25th was egg retrieval and embryo creation day.  Aug 30th was transfer day.  A year ago, progress was being made.  The pistol was firing and my feet were launching my body off of those starting blocks.

And now, I've been smacked by the officials for my arrogance that the race was ready to be run and told to get my butt back in those starting blocks.  I really wanted to be jumping over a hurdle or two by now.  To at least be a few steps closer to the finish line.  But no.  Not my destiny.

If I'm still poised here at the end of December, the anniversary of losing my girls, well, that's a blog post I hope I don't have to write.

Stop the insanity

I have a confession to make.  The last few days, I've been doing the infertility dance of stupidity.

Here's the deal.  After my FET, I had a period.  2 weeks later, I had another one and we started BCP in hopes of moving forward with a fresh IVF cycle.  And two weeks into that, we stopped the IVF cycle, went of BCP and had yet another period.  Yes, that's three, count them three periods over a 4-5 week time frame.

At the end of that period, the hubs and I did what husbands and wives do.  And a week later, I had some very faint pink tinge on my toilet paper.

And all I could think was "implantation bleeding?"  That was 3 or 4 days ago.  Guess what I've been doing the past 3 mornings!

Ok.  The rational person in me says "I'm being really stupid here".  I mean seriously, the timing of the deed was at the tail end of a period, so wrong time of the month under normal person circumstances.  I don't ovulate anyway so the odds of me ovulating when my body has been put through so much crap for the last three months, yeah, no way I would have actually ovulated.  And hubby's contribution doesn't do its job either.  So that's three reasons why it would be absolutely impossible for us to get an accidental freebie.  Wrong timing, wrong female, wrong male.

But like every other infertility female out there, I'm imagining all sorts of symptoms.  Like a mild cramp across my uterus.  The fact that my nose has been really stuffy the last couple of days.  And I just got a McDonalds cheeseburger and after 2 bites, I went "blech" and gave it to the hubby (my tastebuds suddenly hated all processed foods when I was pregnant before).

All sticks confirm that I'm out of my mind.  But this is also why I bought the cheapies in bulk.  I'll probably go through another half dozen or so in the next week and absolutely confirm that my imagination is my worst enemy.

And as stupid as I know I'm being, I have a hunch I'm not the first to do this dance, and I won't be the last.  What kind of infertility dances of stupidity have you guys done?

I didn't want smaller pants

On my way home today, I stopped at Payless to grab a new pair of shoes.  I've pretty much worn through my current pair and we gotta replace those things every so often!

Next door was a plus sized store.  Checked through my little entertainment coupon book to see if I had a coupon for that store, and yup I did.

I have a full supply of jeans that I've purchased over the years, all the same size.  A while ago, I gave away my smaller sized clothes because someone was in need, and I hadn't been able to wear them in a couple of years.  I held on to 2 pairs of those smaller jeans, just in case, but honestly never expected to wear them again.

And then the year of loss began.  At the beginning of last summer, I was 266lbs.  I lost about 15lbs before getting pregnant, and never got fully back up to the 266 again.  Then of course I was suddenly unpregnant and lost a few more pounds in those weeks when I couldn't stand to eat.  And then this most recent whoosh of weight loss from the super diet from hell.

All in all, I'm almost 30lbs lighter than I was a year ago.  I've been wearing my big pants when working in the pottery studio (because they're gonna get muddy and don't need to fit right), and I've been wearing those 2 other pairs of jeans out in public.

But now those two pairs of jeans are starting to sag.  My skinny jeans are officially too big for me.  So I bit the bullet, shopped for a new pair of jeans, a pair that actually fits so I can go to a restaurant with my parents without feeling like a complete schlub.

But you know what?  While it might seem really thrilling to be forced to buy new pants because you've gotten smaller, it really sucks for me.  If all goes according to plan, I'm going to lose another 8lbs (thus really needing the new pants for a month or so) and then immediately start growing again.  We're not in a good financial place, so spending money on pants that I want to outgrow in 2-3 months is yet another exercise in seeing how much guilt I can lay on myself.

I don't want smaller pants.  I want elastic pants.

I guess, on the upside, I have a full wardrobe for pregnancy.  Start out filling out the skinny jeans, then upgrade to my normal jeans, then wearing that pair of jeans that was always too big for me, and finally, in the last glorious month, into the actual elastic front maternity jeans that I own.

Man, even accomplishing stuff I've been desperate to accomplish my whole life (losing weight) SUCKS when battling infertility.

The Temporary Club

When you find yourself in the infertility club, it's very common to feel all alone.  So we seek out other bloggers and people in general who are going through the same thing.  We start to get to know each others stories, we put their blogs in our subscription lists so we can follow along with the struggles of someone else who is struggling just like we are, we narrow our subscriptions down to the people that we like, that seem most like us, that we find entertaining.

Then, what inevitably happens?  The bitch graduates.

And here we are, passing on our "congrats!" and "OMG I'm so happy for you!" when what we're really thinking is "Fuck, she won, I'm still a loser, and I'm stuck, left behind, still alone in this fucking club." 

And then those thoughts move on to "Oh shit, am I the old pro now???  Crap, am I becoming one of those people who has years of this shit under her belt?  NOOOOOOO!!!!!  I want to be the scared newbie, reaching out to others for their expertise and advice!  I was supposed to graduate before I become knowledgeable enough to be an old pro dispensing advice!"

To every graduating bitch - congratulations.  Seriously, in my heart, I'm really happy for you.  And right next to that feeling in my heart is another feeling of fuck you for leaving me behind to wallow in this club without you.

And when it's my turn, I will gladly accept every "fuck you" that ends up in my mailbox.  You won't hurt my feelings one bit.

Since I'm not one of them....

I'm gonna post something that makes fun of pregnant women!

The cycle turns

*This is one of those TMI posts that family and the squeamish might prefer to just skip over*

Well, it's that time again.  That lovely confirmation that I'm no closer to what I want in life. 

And this month, it doesn't mark a damned thing.  Nope, not a cycle start and the beginning of a new try, just nothing.

Why you ask?  Well because I failed an FET at the end of June.  I had a random mini cycle in mid July that didn't make any sense because it was too soon.  But what the hell, we went with it anyway.  And then that cycle had to be stopped.  So now I'm bleeding from stopping that cycle.  Which means in the last 30 days or so, I've had 3 periods of varying strengths.

Kind of liked it better during my 20's when I was lucky to bleed 3 times a year.  This three times a month thing sucks.

So obviously I'm not going to do anything with this cycle.  The body needs to recalibrate from all of the weirdly induced periods and massive dieting. 

Reasonable diet starts up in a couple of days.

*Ok, massive TMI time*

Ok girls, I just gotta get this out because I feel like I'm totally overreacting and maybe making life more difficult on myself than it needs to be.  Ready?  Ok, here we go...

I haven't been able to use a tampon since I lost the girls.  The whole concept of feeling something being held in that canal, and feeling like I have to brace myself if I cough to make sure I don't push it out.....it's all just to reminiscent of trying to hold my girls sac in the canal during the miscarriage.  So I've been padding it and just using the bathroom a lot to keep myself relatively clean.  Am I just insane?

All about the control

In the long run, it's probably for the best that this cycle is canceled.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still upset about it, but the rational brain can see that it's for the best.

I got my period only 2 weeks after the failed FET.  So waiting a month to let my body settle after all of those hormones before pumping it full of new hormones, probably for the best.

I had less follicles this time than I've had before.  Since this is probably my last fresh round, the more follicles so I can bank as many frozen embryos, the better.

And losing that much weight, that quickly, well, I wasn't exactly setting up my body for overall success now was I?

Honestly, it wasn't about that.  It was about having some control over something.  I have had no control over losing my girls and the failure to produce more. 

But before that, decades before that, my big out of control issue was my weight.  After years of trying and failing to keep my weight in a healthy place, I had given up and just accepted that I didn't have the willpower, the strength of character, the control to do anything about it.

So when I was tasked with having to do something about it in order to be allowed to move forward with a fertility treatment, I NEEDED to win that battle.  I NEEDED to conquer the one thing that's been conquering me all of my life. 

If I can just control this one factor, then ......

If I can just have the will power to control my cravings, then .....

If I can just win this one damned battle for a change, then ....

If I can force myself onto the treadmill, then .....

I have no idea what was supposed to come after the "then" in those statements.  I don't know what I was hoping would be the result.  I just needed the win more than anything else.

Technically, I did win.  I lost more weight than I was told I needed to (at first) and a whole lot faster than is supposed to be possible.  Because of the BCP weight gain, I lost 4lbs of that weight twice.

Still feel like a loser though.

Why a month matters

Yeah yeah yeah, it's only a month.  What's the big deal?  I mean really, what does a month matter in the grand scheme of things?

Let me up this in terms that any parent will understand.

Imagine that your kids have just dropped dead.  And someone tells you "If you lose 20lbs this cycle, you'll have a 50/50 chance of getting them back.  If you fail to lose the weight, you have to wait another month to even try.  And every month that you fail to make the weight, your odds of succeeding in getting them back drop by 1-2%.  By the way, you can't allow the stress to affect you.  If you get stressed, your chances of success drop another 10%."

Still seem like it's only a month?  Just skip it and try next month?  Or does it suddenly seem very cruel that someone has just forced you into this situation?

My kids died.  I'm trying to get them back.  And I'm losing month after month after month for a variety of reasons.  So yes, a month matters, and it's a big deal.

Back to limboland

So we're back on the fence of whether or not this cycle is going to happen.

The clinic is literally trying to write the policies for fat girl egg retrievals as I'm living the experience.  But the policies aren't on paper just yet, so there's no guarantee that they will be by the time I need to move forward.  So we are back to the question of go or no go depending on my weight.

And my weight has sprung back up.  And they've determined that a BMI of 40 won't cut it, it has to be BELOW 40.  So we can't just say I hit 40 the other day and run with it.

My weight as of this morning:  243.1
Maximum weight to get a BMI of 39.9:  240.0
Date of decision:  Aug 4
Days to get 3.1lbs off my body:  13

This is gonna be rough.  My body has already experienced that initial whoosh of weight loss one gets the first week or two of a diet.  It's now gone into fight mode so I'm gonna have to fight to get every ounce off that I can.  And it's gonna come down to that last fraction of a pound at the last minute.   And it's possible that when she said a BMI of 39, she meant 39 even and not 39.9 (waiting to hear back on that clarification).  If it's 39 even, this simply isn't going to happen.  I would have to get to 234.5 and I don't see that happening for at least a month, perhaps 2.

I'm predicting nothing but water and laxatives on Aug 3.

Cougar power activate!

Needle count and weight management

Just for shits and giggles, I'm gonna keep track of every needle that enters my body for this IVF attempt!  I'm doing acupuncture this round and that's going to drastically increase my needle count, so I'm counting those separately.  Keep track with me in the chart on the right.

We're currently not sure what to do with my weight.  My doctor has been battling behind the scenes and has succeeded in changing policy so that fat girls can do egg retrievals.  And continuing with the theme of my horrible timing, this man was telling me 9 days ago that if my BMI is above 40, we can't do an egg retrieval at all.  So policy is literally being determined and written at the exact moments that I'm walking through those policies.

At my blood draw/ultrasound today, they did my vitals as well.  My weight today - 241.2 and they still think I'm 5'5".  I've lost 6.2lbs in the last 9 days.  Yay me!  At 5'5", my weight needs to be no higher than 240.5 in order to register as a BMI of 40.  So when my nurse walked in and says "You did it!" I'm asking her "what did I do?"  They recorded my BMI at 40 so I think a technician fudged a number on my behalf.  Not complaining.

But here's the thing.  They still don't have the policy written that determines at what point in the process your BMI is to be recorded.  Is it the first day of BCP?  Is it at suppression check?  They don't know yet.  They hope to have an answer for me by Friday, but like I said, my timing is just brilliant.

SOOOOOO, if they decide that it's the first day of BCP, I'm golden!  I did it, they put that number on the record for me, pass the nachos and let's do this!  But if they decide that it's at suppression check, then I need to continue the diet for another 2 weeks to make sure no ounces pack themselves back onto my frame.  I'd probably want to lose another 2lbs just to be on the safe side.

I have no idea what to do about dinner tonight.

Rereading the signs

So the IVF clinic sent me a calendar and things got a little more complicated.  They don't want me on BCP for a month, but rather 10 days, with an egg retrieval around August 15th and an implant probably on the 21st.

That means 3 things. 

1)  If I have the gallbladder surgery, we have to delay IVF by a month.  Obviously, I don't want to do that, but in the grand scheme of things, I have to get over it if removing the gallbladder is necessary.

2)  My weigh-in to determine if I'm under the BMI of 40 will be on August 4th.  Two and a half weeks to lose the additional 3lbs or so that I need to lose.  Of course, it would be easier to crash diet myself down for two weeks and have it done with rather than lose it slowly and then maintain until the next potential weigh-in six weeks from now.

3)  If we follow the calendar that is currently written, we will confirm or deny the pregnancy on August 30th.  That's the one year anniversary of the implant date for my girls.  That would also put the babies due date in the first or second week of May, also known as our wedding anniversary and both of our birthdays.

So, we now have a lot riding on what the surgeon recommends tomorrow.  My gallbladder is such that if not for the potential pregnancy, we probably wouldn't even be considering taking it out.  It's not like it's a medical necessity at the moment and I'm a bit gun shy to remove an organ based on a maybe.

We'll be asking the surgeon for all sorts of worse case scenarios and what the likelihood would be of running across those.

Here's what I'm REALLY hoping he tells me.  I'm hoping that he's more conservative and prefers not to remove organs unless there's a medical need.  I'm hoping that he tells me we should just do some laser stuff that will break up the gallstones making them less likely to cause any problems over the course of the next year.  That would be the best case scenario at the moment.

My cycle is weird

And once again, our calendar goes wonky! 

The last few months, my cycle has had a fairly predictable cycle.  First time in my life, but being able to predict was kind of awesome. 

So we were expecting a cycle start for July on or near the 28th.  We figured that would make the August cycle undoable cuz I wouldn't be able to lose the weight fast enough to be under the BMI cut off point at the start of that cycle.  So we figured that we would be starting this hullaballoo again at the end of August.

And then I got a mini-period this weekend.  Hmmmmmmm, well, ok.  Not quite what I had planned.  I email my doc with this news and tell him that my weight loss is progressing nicely (officially 4.8lbs this week!  Only 3lbs to go!), and if I need to do a full cycle of BCP before we do the real IVF stuff, let's go ahead and get that going.

He writes back that the clinic just about has the logistics of egg retrievals for fat women hammered out so the weight loss might not be as vital as it was, and yes, let's do a month of BCP. 

So, I'll be starting my month of BCP tomorrow, a period expected mid August, and then we are doing the crazy part of IVF!  Hopefully to confirm a brand new pregnancy the last week of September.

But did you catch that part about the weight loss thing?  It might not be a matter of saying yes or no to a cycle anymore.  But rather the logistics of doing the retrieval within the office, or having to use a hospital facility for another $2,000.  So the stakes on my weight loss have diminished greatly.  If I fail to get under 240lbs, it won't cost me a baby, it will cost me about $2,000. 

This mornings weigh-in, 242.6lbs.  So obviously, I'm gonna go for it.  $2,000 is a lot of money to save and I don't want there to be any chance of them changing their minds.  So I think I have about 4 weeks until I start my next period to lose that last 3lbs.  That is totally doable.

In other news, I consult with the surgeon tomorrow about my gallbladder.  There's a 50/50 chance that I'll be having it removed on Wednesday.  Hey!  That's half a pound right there!  Woot!

On the serious side of the gallbladder thing, if there's a possibility of it becoming infected during a pregnancy, well, potential infection points I can remove from my body before pregnancy, the less fear I'll have during that pregnancy.  I still feel that we're going a little on the crazy side to remove an organ due to a potential issue that we won't ever know if it's actually an issue, but oh well.

What this is about

Welcome to First Time Twins!

I started writing this blog when I was 9 weeks pregnant for the first time, with twins.  And I was terrified.  Unfortunately, my fears were founded and at 18weeks and 6days, I lost my girls.  I don't have a lot of details yet about what happened, but it was an infection that lead to PPROM.  I've opted to continue blogging my journey to become a parent, even though it's not going well right now.

Despite the setback I'm experiencing at the moment, I still believe there's a Chris and Charley in my future and I'm writing, in great length and detail, about my attempts to bring them into my home.


But for now, here's the basic introduction.
Hi!  I'm Alex, age 35, and I'll be the mama around here.  I am a videographer by career and potter by hobby.  My video life is known as MegaMouth Productions and I make a lot of those advertisement videos you see on web pages.  In my pottery life, I'm known as UgaBugaBowls and I make functional and beautiful wheel thrown mugs, bowls, and other round things.  Feel free to stop by that shop if you're looking for a gift for someone.  It's all unique and with twins coming, I could really use some more customers!

K, age 41, is my husband of 5 1/2 years and will be playing the role of daddy which is pretty good casting considering that's who he actually is.  In his day job, he's a retail manager for a large chain pet store.  I'll refer to it as Pet Place for privacy reasons.  By night, he turns into the super hero, Comic Actor Man!  He's had some fame in regional commercials and acts on a regular basis in local theaters. 

We are pragmatic, down to earth, and a bit boring.  A good time for us would be a great exchange of wit, and we tend to be sci-fi watching homebodies.  There will be geekery in this blog as well.

Some other pertinent characters -

The Girls - Chris and Charley (Christina and Charolotte).  They aren't with us anymore, but I'm hoping they'll be back in one form or another.  They are my kids and I guess the first pair of bodies they were trying on weren't to their liking so they are out there waiting for us to try to create something more suitable to their lives.  If we can't provide those bodies, we may try to find them via adoption or fostering.

PR, DR, and AR.  They were my best friend family until the Mama Drama post happened.  I thought they were going to be major players in this blog, but oh well!  PR was my best friend for 4 years, a sister really, and then she flipped a bitch switch that really threw me for a loop.

Various cats and extended family members will be introduced as needed.



So here we go with the blogging experience.  Just to warn you, I have no boundaries. I will talk about sex, bodily functions, emotional freak-outs, and whatever else comes to mind.

I'm hoping that there will be a lot of comments, even if an article is several years old.  There is no topic too personal that I won't answer you fully if you ask me something.  And if you have some knowledge about a written topic and I'm too far along to benefit from your knowledge or advice, I'm sure someone else will benefit from it so please write it!