My brother stopped by the deliver the rocking chair that they no longer use and that we're hoping I'll have use for some day. We put it in the nursery and he kind of plopped in it to relax for a moment. Then he reacted kind of put out when I asked if we could chill out in the living room because I'm rather uncomfortable hanging out in the nursery.
I've been bottling up emotions relating to my brother for a long time. For the history, read this post. I haven't really brought it up to him in the past because it's seemed rather pointless to do so. It's not an insult he can take back. Kind of like if a wife asks her husband if she's getting fat and he hesitates for a moment. No matter how much he says she looks wonderful and that she's not fat at all, the wife will always remember that moment of hesitation and it can't be undone.
And if I weren't reminded of the insult every month that I'm not pregnant.....ok, maybe it's not an insult so much as it is that he gave me a very tangible reason to fear that no one will ever choose me to be parent when my future as a parent may very well be dependent on someone choosing me one day. Maybe if I weren't constantly reminded of that, I would have forgotten the insult a long time ago. But I relive it every day. And since he caused me so much hurt, I naturally keep the source of pain at arms length and as a result, I've kept my brother at arms length.
Anyway, I digress. There's a logistical situation that we need to work out. He keeps a gun in his home for protection. He is Mr. Safety Guy and has done everything that a responsible gun owner should do to keep it safe. However, I have already lost 2 children to a one in a million chance occurrence. And I've never been comfortable being in a house that has both a gun and a hyper little boy. So if I'm pregnant 3 weeks from now, well I've made the parental decision that I do not want my children on the premises of a firearm. So I bring this up to him. And as we try to figure out some logistics that would make me comfortable, I try to soften the tension by saying that I realize my fear may be irrational and that when I'm pregnant, I intend to go into full Pregnancy Princess mode and I'm probably going to be irrationally cautious all over the place.
So he asks me, quite seriously, that if I'm this terrified, should I even be a parent in the first place.
Aaaaaaaaaand Boom goes the dynamite.
Once again, someone is passing judgement on me on whether or not I should even be a parent. The source of my hot button on that particular issue is fucking pushing that button, AGAIN.
Cue the crying. Verbal diarrhea and snotty tears spew throughout the room in a "do you have any clue as to how angry I've been with you for the last 5 years??" meltdown.
We're about 2 hours into it when it dawns on me, hey, I'm not supposed to allow myself to have any stress right now. Insert a big ole fail whale here.
I'm now dehydrated, my eyes are puffy and hurt, I have a headache, K won't be home for another 2 hours or so, and I would have to assume that my prolactin levels are currently through the roof.
All I managed to accomplish was to make both of us miserable when there's nothing that can be done to fix what it is that hurts.
But at the end of the conversation, I did tell him that little comments like "you don't understand because you don't have children", he needs to stop saying that. When he says shit like that, no matter what he's actually saying, what an infertile hears is "You're not valid because you can't breed." So maybe that was accomplished.
K just received the following 2 text messages from me.
1) *brother* delivered rocking chair. Conversation lead him to ask if I think I should even have children at all. 6 years of pent up emotions exploded all over, for about 2 hours.
2) Bring chocolate.
Aren't I the nice wife for warning him about what he's going to be walking into when he gets home from work?
PS - This is how K responds to the directive "bring chocolate"
Whatever else may suck in my life, I married real good.