My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I went all explody

Blame it on the ho-o-o-o-o-ormones, blame it on the ho-o-o-o-o-ormones.

My brother stopped by the deliver the rocking chair that they no longer use and that we're hoping I'll have use for some day.  We put it in the nursery and he kind of plopped in it to relax for a moment.  Then he reacted kind of put out when I asked if we could chill out in the living room because I'm rather uncomfortable hanging out in the nursery.

I've been bottling up emotions relating to my brother for a long time.  For the history, read this post.  I haven't really brought it up to him in the past because it's seemed rather pointless to do so.  It's not an insult he can take back.  Kind of like if a wife asks her husband if she's getting fat and he hesitates for a moment.  No matter how much he says she looks wonderful and that she's not fat at all, the wife will always remember that moment of hesitation and it can't be undone.

And if I weren't reminded of the insult every month that I'm not pregnant.....ok, maybe it's not an insult so much as it is that he gave me a very tangible reason to fear that no one will ever choose me to be parent when my future as a parent may very well be dependent on someone choosing me one day.  Maybe if I weren't constantly reminded of that, I would have forgotten the insult a long time ago.  But I relive it every day.  And since he caused me so much hurt, I naturally keep the source of pain at arms length and as a result, I've kept my brother at arms length.

Anyway, I digress.  There's a logistical situation that we need to work out.  He keeps a gun in his home for protection.  He is Mr. Safety Guy and has done everything that a responsible gun owner should do to keep it safe.  However, I have already lost 2 children to a one in a million chance occurrence.  And I've never been comfortable being in a house that has both a gun and a hyper little boy.  So if I'm pregnant 3 weeks from now, well I've made the parental decision that I do not want my children on the premises of a firearm.  So I bring this up to him.  And as we try to figure out some logistics that would make me comfortable, I try to soften the tension by saying that I realize my fear may be irrational and that when I'm pregnant, I intend to go into full Pregnancy Princess mode and I'm probably going to be irrationally cautious all over the place.

So he asks me, quite seriously, that if I'm this terrified, should I even be a parent in the first place.

Aaaaaaaaaand Boom goes the dynamite.

Once again, someone is passing judgement on me on whether or not I should even be a parent.  The source of my hot button on that particular issue is fucking pushing that button, AGAIN.

Cue the crying.  Verbal diarrhea and snotty tears spew throughout the room in a "do you have any clue as to how angry I've been with you for the last 5 years??" meltdown.

We're about 2 hours into it when it dawns on me, hey, I'm not supposed to allow myself to have any stress right now.  Insert a big ole fail whale here.

I'm now dehydrated, my eyes are puffy and hurt, I have a headache, K won't be home for another 2 hours or so, and I would have to assume that my prolactin levels are currently through the roof.

All I managed to accomplish was to make both of us miserable when there's nothing that can be done to fix what it is that hurts.

But at the end of the conversation, I did tell him that little comments like "you don't understand because you don't have children", he needs to stop saying that.  When he says shit like that, no matter what he's actually saying, what an infertile hears is "You're not valid because you can't breed."  So maybe that was accomplished.

K just received the following 2 text messages from me.

1)  *brother* delivered rocking chair.  Conversation lead him to ask if I think I should even have children at all.  6 years of pent up emotions exploded all over, for about 2 hours.

2)  Bring chocolate.

Aren't I the nice wife for warning him about what he's going to be walking into when he gets home from work?

PS - This is how K responds to the directive "bring chocolate"

Whatever else may suck in my life, I married real good.


  1. You did marry good :) Bless that man!

    I can't believe your brother said that!!! How could a guy that is so paranoid for his safety that he has to have a gun around his child DARE to question your ligitmate fears and concerns about being pregnant again??? It is something my own brother could say, I do love him, but he has not filters either.

    Don't worry about how this episode affected you. You'll be ok. People have gotten pregnant during the plague, and I think there was a lot of stress and crying going on. I prescribe staying FAR away from your brother for a few weeks if possible.

  2. MMM....chocolate. Yup I'm induling in it too. Last full strength shot of Lupron tonight for me. Monday is the stims and a 1/2 dose of the Lupron.

    Now as for the fire arms....I have to say you do what feels right for you. I grew up in a household with them and I am a gun owner. But its not for everyone. Then again not every one puts a lock on them like I do, then puts them in a locked case then in a locked secured cabinet and the ammo in another part of the house again locked up. So I can totally understand your concerns.

    Good luck.

  3. Your brother is an ass. He doesn't understand what it means to be infertile, and how overprotective it makes us, because once we have a child, we realize what a true miracle it was.

    screw him. Concentrate on your amazing husband.

    You will be a wonderful mother.

  4. The short version: I found your blog after seeing a comment you left on another blogger's post.

    The long version: After reading one of most beautiful and insightful pieces of writing I've come across in a long time, I clicked on the commentor's name and found myself on your blog.

    Although our situations are radically different, I lost a son when he was 39 days old and another at 23 weeks pregnant. The responses to both deaths from people who love me ranged from supportive and touching to cruel, thoughtless, and just shocking. Sadly, one person made comments falling into both categories, within seconds of each other in the same conversation! Then, I couldn't figure out if she was secretly a passive-aggressive b*tch, or if she was just that clueless. In time, I've learned that she is just that clueless. I keep my current struggles in the closet now, because I've lost the patience of my youth and know I'd alienate my friends and family with my responses to their comments. I have some people in my life I probably SHOULD go off on. Years of pent-up anger probably should come out!

    I haven't read the back-story, so I'm not sure if your brother is an insensitive ass or deliberately cruel. That he stuck around and listened for two hours kind of points to him being an insensitive ass who loves his sister. Hope it all leads to a better relationship in the long run!

    Anyhow, it's nice to virtually meet you. I'll be back, I'm sure!

    P.S. Your husband is, apparently, a god.

  5. I love that you said bring chocolate, and he brought you four kinds of chocolate, just in case. That is some great husband-ing right there. I hope you're feeling better now, that was a pretty intense experience. :(

  6. #1. I kindof want to punch your brother in the face right now. I mean, I'm sure he's fine and all, but I really want to punch him in the face. Hard.

    #2. I want to kiss your husband for being such a good husband to you right now. But not with tongue, because hey, there's no kitkat's in that stash.



Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.