My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Had a friend come by

I know, that sounds like nothing to blog about, but for me, that's actually newsworthy.  Why?  Cuz in real life, I really don't have any friends.  I'm such a loner, such a homebody, when it occurs to me to call someone up to do something, I look at my flimsy list of contacts and realize that I simply don't have anyone to call.

So who is this mystery person I'm referring to?  Well, we met several years ago when we did a theater production together.  This is the same theater production where I met the person who became my best friend for a few years, PR.  So this other friend (KM for future reference) is actually a mutual friend of mine and PR's, though she was more PR's friend than mine.

Just a reminder of who PR is, because it's about to become relevant, this is what happened, (written when I was in WTF mode and heartbroken) and this has been my lingering reaction to the things that bitch said ever since.

So I'm going to break this story off into two topics -

1)  KM's little girl and this infertiles reaction to having a little girl around and
2)  KM confirms, yet again, that I'm not insane.

Ok, so topic 1)

KM brought her toddler over to do some clay stuff.  She asked me to make some bowls so that we could preserve the little girls handprints in some functional, handmade pottery.

I had no idea what to expect having a little girl in my studio.  I've got some sharp tools in there so I didn't know if my studio would just be this death trap (I've never had to childproof so I simply don't know what to look for!).  I didn't know if she would be running around energetic with no focus like my nephew often does, wailing because she's at a strangers house, or if she'd be doing the terrible twos thing and give me a moment of being glad I'm not a parent yet, or what.

She was so sweet!  She's certainly more interested in her own little world than paying attention to me, and that worked out pretty well.  We were able to set her up to play with some clay while we stepped outside the door for some adult chatting.  And she was rather content to play on her own, and only called out to show mama something every 5 minutes or so.  I really did not expect that much happy quiet from a toddler at all.

When we were painting her hands and putting them in the bowls, she was so patient.  She actually sat through 12 bowls of this process without pitching any fits, or smearing the paint all over, or anything else you might expect a toddler to do.

And I actually did normal "adult around baby" things.  I asked if she wanted up and she was agreeable so I picked her up for a bit.  And when I put her down, she grabbed my finger to drag me somewhere to show me something.  I can still feel that little hand wrapped around my finger, holding tight.

I normally don't allow myself to do anything around a child that might leave a tactile memory like that because, well, we've talked about this before guys.  *sigh*  Smelling the brownies.

Ok, topic 2)

I was really kind of nervous about this friend coming by because as far as I knew, she was still a friend of PR and I want to be the bigger person and not say anything about someone I now hate to someone who is still friends with her because that puts the friend in a horrible position and potentially invites the drama to start all over again in my life.

Not a problem!  PR burned through that friendship a whole lot faster than she burned through mine!

Ya know how when someone does something really horrible to you, but you have no closure on the subject, so you spend a whole lot of time screaming at that person in your head?  Like you practice an argument so that if you ever run into them, you'll have really honed in on what you would say?  I've been doing that every damned day for the last year!  Even though she is completely out of my life, she's still been dominating it because I haven't had that closure so my brain keeps working on it.

I'm not going to go into details because it's all gossipy, and you don't know these people so you don't care anyway, but every question I've had in my head, all of that lingering doubt about my side of the drama, KM put it to rest.  It wasn't me.  I don't suck.  She really was batshit crazy.

And today, my emotional self has finally accepted what my intellectual self has been saying all along - PR isn't worth the air it would take to tell her off.  For the first time in a year, I finally actually feel like that drama is over.

BTW - KM is the person who told me last year about how lupron sucks.  I was really feeling shitty with the stuff, she identified what was making me feel like shit, and made me feel a ton better simply because she confirmed that I wasn't imagining it, I really did feel like shit.  So KM seems to be the person who just randomly shows up in my life to put my mind at ease about things and to confirm that I'm not completely nuts.

I'm hoping KM will be around more often.  We're both bitches in the same way, or curmudgeons as she puts it.  We're both pretty darned content with our own company, because when we find other friends, they end up sucking for one reason or another.  And as content as I usually am being by myself, it sure would be nice to have someone to call on the rare occasion that I do feel like having coffee with someone other than the hubs.  And both our men are more social than we are, and geeks, so maybe they'll enjoy each others company as well.


  1. It is nice that you got that confirmation that it isn't YOU :)

    It sounds like you got in some quality kid time.

  2. KM sounds like a great person to have around!
    I'm glad you got some closure.


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.