There are only 2 potential outcomes to this IVF cycle. Either it works, or it doesn't. And each of those options brings with it its own unique hell.
If it doesn't work, my world is just shattered.
I'm supposed to be a really good candidate for IVF and so far, every time I've done a fresh transfer, I've gotten pregnant with twins (that's 1 out of 1 times for those of you who are new here). If I do another fresh transfer and don't get pregnant from it, suddenly I have to realize that my success rate with IVF is far below what we anticipated it would be. I will lose all confidence in future attempts. I was prepared for the FET to fail so it really didn't hit me all that hard. It hit K hard because I don't think he ever considered that it might fail so he was devastated when it did. I'm not mentally prepared for a fresh cycle to not work. But I'm starting to realize, of the 4 absolutely perfect embryos that have been placed into my uterus, only 1 has survived. Granted, it split into 2, but that means that 75% of the embryos transferred into me have died. If that track record continues, I just don't know how many attempts I can handle. This might be the last fresh attempt I'm willing and financially able to do.
And what if it does work?
I'm so afraid of being pregnant again. Not of the being pregnant part, I loved that. But I had no warning that something could go wrong last time. I was being reassured every day that things were perfect. And I got far enough along to turn that emotional corner. To actually believe that things were going to go well.
One trip to the bathroom because I thought the pressure I was feeling was the need for a bowel movement, and suddenly my world becomes the worst place a person can exist.
If I had strained to push out a bowel movement that evening, had I not realized that the pressure I was feeling was coming from the front and not the back, I would have expelled one of my girls into the toilet. So tell me folks, how am I ever going to be able to let my daily bowel movement happen if I'm terrified that I might accidentally squeeze out a fetus instead? I know, it's not logical, but it seriously almost happened last time! And if I recall correctly, I'm not allowed to take a stool softener while pregnant. I'm going to be eating so much fiber it's going to be insane. I don't want to have to push anything while I'm pregnant.
How am I going to enjoy being pregnant when every single twinge, every single wipe of toilet paper has the question attached to it - is this the moment I discover the beginning of another miscarriage?
Obviously, I want the results of a pregnancy. And I really want all the happy, smug, pregnant person experiences. I'm just not convinced that I'm going to be capable of having either. And until some emotional switch is flipped inside me, the fear is going to make being pregnant a pure hell.