My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I'm petrified

There are only 2 potential outcomes to this IVF cycle.  Either it works, or it doesn't.  And each of those options brings with it its own unique hell.

If it doesn't work, my world is just shattered.

I'm supposed to be a really good candidate for IVF and so far, every time I've done a fresh transfer, I've gotten pregnant with twins (that's 1 out of 1 times for those of you who are new here).  If I do another fresh transfer and don't get pregnant from it, suddenly I have to realize that my success rate with IVF is far below what we anticipated it would be.  I will lose all confidence in future attempts.  I was prepared for the FET to fail so it really didn't hit me all that hard.  It hit K hard because I don't think he ever considered that it might fail so he was devastated when it did.  I'm not mentally prepared for a fresh cycle to not work.  But I'm starting to realize, of the 4 absolutely perfect embryos that have been placed into my uterus, only 1 has survived.  Granted, it split into 2, but that means that 75% of the embryos transferred into me have died.  If that track record continues, I just don't know how many attempts I can handle.  This might be the last fresh attempt I'm willing and financially able to do.

And what if it does work?

I'm so afraid of being pregnant again.  Not of the being pregnant part, I loved that.  But I had no warning that something could go wrong last time.  I was being reassured every day that things were perfect.  And I got far enough along to turn that emotional corner.  To actually believe that things were going to go well.

One trip to the bathroom because I thought the pressure I was feeling was the need for a bowel movement, and suddenly my world becomes the worst place a person can exist.

If I had strained to push out a bowel movement that evening, had I not realized that the pressure I was feeling was coming from the front and not the back, I would have expelled one of my girls into the toilet.  So tell me folks, how am I ever going to be able to let my daily bowel movement happen if I'm terrified that I might accidentally squeeze out a fetus instead?  I know, it's not logical, but it seriously almost happened last time!  And if I recall correctly, I'm not allowed to take a stool softener while pregnant.  I'm going to be eating so much fiber it's going to be insane.  I don't want to have to push anything while I'm pregnant.

How am I going to enjoy being pregnant when every single twinge, every single wipe of toilet paper has the question attached to it - is this the moment I discover the beginning of another miscarriage?

Obviously, I want the results of a pregnancy.  And I really want all the happy, smug, pregnant person experiences.  I'm just not convinced that I'm going to be capable of having either.  And until some emotional switch is flipped inside me, the fear is going to make being pregnant a pure hell.


  1. Take a deep breath and blow it all out. I totally understand where you are right now and where you've been. I know the fears you have are quite rational too. But, you and I both know that if we dwell on it right now our retrievals aren't going to go well. Hope to see you this week if mine goes to the retrieval stage as now planned.

  2. I know, I know. Each outcome is so incredibly terrifying in its own way. But you will get through it, and we will be here for you.

  3. I felt the same exact way that you do. I wanted so much to get pregnant, I was afraid it wouldn't work, I was afraid it was going to work. When I got pregnant, I spent every day afraid.

    You just have to take it one day at a time. Try to get pregnant first. If/When you get pregnant, just live through one day at a time. Every day gets easier. You can do this! You are one of the bravest bloggers I know. I did one FET after my miscarriage because I didn't know what else to do. If it hadn't worked, I wouldn't have kids today because I was too scared. You are so incredibly determined and brave. You CAN do this.

  4. I don't really have anything new to add. Basically Chickenpig said it: take this one task at a time. Just focus on what you need to do for this IVF. Then when you get the results from this IVF, you can face the positives and negatives of those results. And we are here for you!!! Lets of deep breaths. Lots of cuddles with your kitties. Lots of cuddles with K!

  5. As someone who has experienced 4 m/c with only 1 healthy born child, I TOTALLY get it. No matter which way it goes (IT WILL TOTALLY WORK!!!), you will freak out and that is normal. Just believe that it will happen to you and that you deserve it. You are a determined momma to be and you are taking control of your future. Try not to stress too much & I look forward to reading here that it worked. GL!


  6. It's like jumping out of an airplane hoping that your parachute works even though you're still nursing a broken leg, rib, and arm from the last jump.

    You've got to do it.


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