My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

All about the control

In the long run, it's probably for the best that this cycle is canceled.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still upset about it, but the rational brain can see that it's for the best.

I got my period only 2 weeks after the failed FET.  So waiting a month to let my body settle after all of those hormones before pumping it full of new hormones, probably for the best.

I had less follicles this time than I've had before.  Since this is probably my last fresh round, the more follicles so I can bank as many frozen embryos, the better.

And losing that much weight, that quickly, well, I wasn't exactly setting up my body for overall success now was I?

Honestly, it wasn't about that.  It was about having some control over something.  I have had no control over losing my girls and the failure to produce more. 

But before that, decades before that, my big out of control issue was my weight.  After years of trying and failing to keep my weight in a healthy place, I had given up and just accepted that I didn't have the willpower, the strength of character, the control to do anything about it.

So when I was tasked with having to do something about it in order to be allowed to move forward with a fertility treatment, I NEEDED to win that battle.  I NEEDED to conquer the one thing that's been conquering me all of my life. 

If I can just control this one factor, then ......

If I can just have the will power to control my cravings, then .....

If I can just win this one damned battle for a change, then ....

If I can force myself onto the treadmill, then .....

I have no idea what was supposed to come after the "then" in those statements.  I don't know what I was hoping would be the result.  I just needed the win more than anything else.

Technically, I did win.  I lost more weight than I was told I needed to (at first) and a whole lot faster than is supposed to be possible.  Because of the BCP weight gain, I lost 4lbs of that weight twice.

Still feel like a loser though.


  1. You are the farthest thing from a loser that I can think of. You are so strong, even though you may not feel like it. You CAN do this, and you WILL win in every way that matters.

    Big hugs,

  2. You DID win. It isn't your fault that they moved the finish line. Jo is right, you will win in the way that matters, and you are a winner. I can't believe how much weight you lost in such a short period of time. You have an incredible amount of willpower and determination. Those are the things needed to win at this IF game, and you've got them in spades!

    Hugs, and a medal, because you deserve it!

  3. You are not a loser. Not by a long shot.


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