My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Use it or lose it

This is gonna be a sex post.  Family should probably skip this one.

I naturally have a rather low libido.  I went years without having any sexual contact because I simply wasn't interested.

One of the reasons I married K was because when I met him, my sex drive soared.  It was like I finally comprehended what everyone was so excited about.  And for the first half of our marriage, we had a whole lotta fun.

Then we started the baby making thing.  My libido started to slow a little bit before that, it was on a natural decline that happens when new love becomes daily love.

We never had to do the timed sex thing.  Once we got ourselves fully tested while doing a month of clomid, we learned that in our particular situation, a lucky accident (or a well timed baby dance) simply would not happen for us.  So we skipped the months of temping and tracking and having well timed sex and went straight to IVF.

But even though we got to skip all of that responsibility sex, it still hasn't been much of a priority for me.  I'm just not interested.  And because I haven't been interested, and K is not one to push, we aren't having a whole lot of action going on.  And it's becoming a self-perpetuating problem.  The less we do it, the less interested we both become.

Not only am I not interested, but I've come to hate my body so much that I don't want to disgust someone else with it.  This thing I'm dragging around from appointment to appointment isn't a body, it's a failing science experiment.  It's a big bag of wonky hormones, too much fat, copious amounts of uterine lining, follicles to coax into producing eggs.  One thing it isn't is a hot tamale sex machine.  I'm so disgusted by this thing that I live in that not only can I not imagine it bringing me any pleasure, but when K puts his hands on it, I feel like that first date when you try to hide your fat rolls, but he's touching it so I can't hide it, ick!!!

K and I had a talk about it last night.  I want to get back to having fun with him, and I'm not sure how to go about doing that.  It takes 7 compliments to negate every insult that a person hears about themselves.  And my brain is insulting my body quite a bit whether I want it to or not.  He said that he doesn't know how often my brain is insulting my body and he just can't keep up with the compliment demand.  I told him that if I'm going to be tasked with trying to turn my libido around, he's tasked with trying to keep up with the compliment demand in order to help me feel better about my body.

We've got a few more days to work up to this.  I'm cycling right now and I'm just not going to feel sexy when I'm all squishy.  But last night as we drifted to sleep, he started the compliments and even though they were forced, and somewhat corny, and lead to giggles instead of libido, it felt good.  If nothing else, the silliness of it brings some of the fun back.

1 comment:

  1. Man, I can relate to this post for sure!


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