My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

WTF Boobs? Go away belly!

As reported last night, my boobs have come to life.    It's been one week (almost to the hour) since my pregnancy ended and suddenly my boobs are front and center in a way they never have been before.

Shouldn't pregnancy symptoms be fading at this point and not appearing out of the blue?

Even just a couple of days after, I was sitting on the bed with no shirt or bra and saw myself in the distant bathroom mirror.  I looked like an orangutan.  Stupid floppy boobs with nothing in them just sagging all over the top of my double decker giant stomach.  Which is pretty much what I looked like before.

But suddenly last night, they swelled and became firm, and so sore, and leaking.  This was not a gradual change, just, BOOM!  Round knockers!  Like someone got out a bicycle pump and just pumped them up.

So much for maybe doing some clothing shopping today.  Other than underwear and jammies, I can't buy an outfit for a job interview that fits properly when my boobs are at least 1 size larger (if not more) than they will be 2 weeks from now.

I hate my stomach.  Ever since wearing a leotard in ballet class when I was 5 and I realized that I'm just built thicker than the other girls, I hate my stomach.   And growing up, I became not just thick, but all out fat.  And the top portion of my stomach juts out from just below the boobs.  And my stomach sometimes out juts those boobs.

I've always had this "when are you due?" physique.  Other than the fact that I have the double decker rather than the basketball shape, shirts have always skimmed my stomach making me look pregnant.

I just want to cut it off right now.  I'm fat, but I feel so little at the same time.  And I hate both versions.  I loved being fat when I was pregnant.  I couldn't wait for those rude people to ask me when I was due so I could point out my specialness that I'm not just pregnant, but I've got twins in the tummy!  I didn't walk around in spandex or anything, but I certainly didn't mind if my stomach was pushing on my shirt a bit.  If one of those rude idiots finds me now, there might be trouble.

And that's the only time in my life I haven't hated my body.

I just hate looking towards the floor and seeing my boobs and stomach in the way.  And how round my stomach is when my hand finds its way there while I'm sitting.  It just doesn't deserve to be this big anymore.

And at the same time, I feel so little.  So deflated.  I definitely look smaller.  I wasn't sure if I was showing or just still a fat person the last month of the pregnancy, but now we know.  All of that weight moved around to my front and it was definitely baby weight and not just my own fatness.

Mom is going to sign us up for the Y which is just down the street.  I might finally be motivated to learn how to exercise and get rid of this crap.  Or I'll fail at that too.

1 comment:

  1. I think you're an amazing writer and your blog is incredible. Your honesty (including about various bodily stuff) is piercing. I am sorry for what you have gone through and are going through, and I wish you and your family the best.


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