My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Physical Aftermath

I still hurt.  Nothing strong enough to take a pain medication for, but I just hurt.

Every time I stand up, those lower abdomen muscles and ligaments that were actively and a little bit painfully stretching, it's still so sore like before.  I stand, and all my weight sinks into that part of my stomach and pulls down and it aches.

I was just relearning how to get out of a chair without aggravating that pregnancy pain and now I just want to be able to stand up like a normal person.  I don't want to do the pregnant woman push off with the hands, leading with the stomach ting.  That was cute and fun when I was pregnant, but now it seems so fake.  And like I'm trying to pretend to still be pregnant.  I'm many things, but fake and a pretender aren't among them.  And yet it hurts a little if I don't do that.

My lower back keeps rippling/spasming.  It only lasts 30 seconds to a minute or so, but it tightens and ripples, particularly when I first sit down and it hurts.  I reported this to the doctor like a good girl, but it doesn't seem to concern them.  They said to take some Tylenol.  But by the time I can open a bottle, it's over so that's kind of pointless.  I kind of figure it's probably the muscles around my back that are trying to figure out how to readjust to this sudden loss of about 5lbs of material and 2 inches or so of body mass.  The muscles were slowly stretched over the course of 4 months and then overnight, all gone, time to go back to regular size.  It will probably take a couple of weeks to resize themselves back to my normal circumference and will spasm as they do so.

And the shaking.  The goddanmed shaking.  I think this is more of an emotional thing because it seems to happen mostly when I'm gearing up for or recovering from another crying spell.  My whole body tenses and just starts shaking and won't stop.

Ugh, and the pounding heart.  Again, don't know if that's emotional or a normal physical side effect.  But as often as not, I can feel my heart pounding through my entire body.  Especially in my chest, throat, and face.  It's especially bad when I'm lying down to go to sleep.  I can feel it, I can hear it, and I can't relax my body enough to avoid it.

Still bleeding and twinges in the crotch.  There's not much bleeding left, just enough to be annoying.  And I get an occasional little twinge in my crotch. 

I feel gutted.  I mean, I was, so that makes sense.  I can feel my insides dealing with the surgery and while they don't really hurt, they aren't happy about it.

I can't figure out if I'm hungry, or if I want to puke.  Low grade nausea is constant.  And I can't tell if that's due to stress, or a standard post surgery feeling.  I want to fill the hole but food doesn't help.  And I want to be sick enough to vomit, but I can't.  So I can't fill and I can't empty.  Balancing food and water intake is difficult.  I don't really want to eat, but I don't want to keep feeling hungry either.

Stupid bruises.  The back of my right hand still has a visible spot where the IV was and while not visible, it's bruised throughout the back of my wrist.  And my other arm has a dark purple bruise from all of the needles I was using to test my glucose readings from the diabetes.

1 comment:

  1. please hang in there, Alex. TYLENOL? what the fuck are they thinking? Give the girl some xanax! Please no that you are loved. be strong


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