My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Baby steps

So what can I do today to take a step to move my life forward?  It'll have to be small, but I have to look back on the day and have accomplished something.  A load of laundry maybe?  Put away some random piece of crap littering the house?  I don't have to rush forward, what might normally take a week, I can take a month.  But I should at least do something to move forward today.

Made a phone call asking my dad to recommend a career counselor.  Someone to help me figure out what my assets are and get them on paper in such a way that an employer will be able to see them. Even if I hope to be pregnant again very soon, I need to become a part of the world again.  Being a housewife may be very rewarding for some, and more power to them, but I've never been that woman.  I need an identity outside of the home.  At some point I need to join the workforce again and I've been not facing that reality for the last year or two and have been using baby making as the excuse. 

I've kept myself in a state of availability not only for the baby making but also in hopes that videography would pick up again.  There was a 2 year stretch in there where I was making a decent living as a videographer.  But the last 18-24 months have seen that drift away to nothing more than an occasional  afternoon or evening's worth of work.  I've been avoiding facing that reality for some time and the excuse of "I'm hoping to be pregnant in a month" followed by "I've got twins on the way" made avoiding pretty easy to do.

Facing this will make things better in the long run in several ways.  K married a career woman.  I really should become the woman he married again.  And being a single income household is just too hard. Especially if we have more IVF attempts that we're going to have to pay for and then children after that. 

Asked mom if she would go shopping with me for an interview appropriate outfit sometime next week.  I've been in jeans and jammies for a couple of years now so even if I did get an interview, I wouldn't know what to wear to it.  Neither mom nor I are big shoppers so going to the mall during this busy season would probably send both of us to the nuthouse. 

And as much as I'd like to at least make at least that step forward, my boobs are swelling and deflating at incredible rates so who knows what on earth is going to fit me properly a week from now.

I'm hoping to eventually find something part time and/or flexible.  I'd still like to be able to take the video jobs when they are available but it's just not smart to keep holding out for that.  Will probably hit up the temp agencies.  Get random jobs week by week so I can take the random video jobs as they come in.

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