My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I'm a walking cliche

Ugh, I hate being like this.  This sad, mopey person that every little thing can set off.

We tried going out in public the other day.  To a bookstore/cafe/meeting place nearby.

In the parking lot, there was a grandmother bouncing a little baby in the window while she waited for someone.  It was like she was waving that baby directly in my face.  And there were kids just being kids with their cloying screams and general loudness.  And someone called out "Order up for Charlie!"

And I tried to be ok.  I'm socially obligated to not be a weeping, crying mess when out in public.  You're supposed to do that in the privacy of your own home so no one else has to see it.

But there was some crying anyway.

I don't want to be that person who is stung by every stupid little thing.

Reports on the news of something happening in Charlotte, whatever state that's in.

Commercials with little babies.

Are those two little girls in that shopping cart the same age?  They look the same age to me and might be twins.

Stupid headlines on magazines "We're having babies!"  Yes, that was a headline at the drugstore the other day.  Right next to a headline about one of the Teen Mom's from MTV getting arrested for domestic violence.

Random words like multiple, protein, monkey, all relate to the pregnancy in some way.  And even if it doesn't set me off, I hear it and there's that moment where I have to figure out if it stung or not.  Either way, I can't not be affected.

I hate being a walking stereotype!  Someone that you can predict my every thought and behavior according to the situation.  I just hate being someone who's reduced to nothing more than the situation she's in.

And I hate that in my attempt to go through this together rather than pulling away from each other, I keep waddling up to K, standing like a zombie for a moment, and then my face pulls into itself and the tears start and I start repeating the same types of wishes and wants of getting the girls back over and over again.

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