My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Still there, but still gone

Time drifted on with nothing happening.

Why didn't everyone react with rushing around and alarms going off when the water broke?  Why weren't they working their asses off to save Charlotte whose sack was still intact and inside?  Why wasn't I being rushed from room to room and being knocked out for some sort of surgery that might salvage at least one of them?

I think Dr. Z was there at some point confirming that there was nothing to be done.  She had talked to Dr. David Fucking Spade when the water broke and they agreed that it was over.  Christina had been infected and because she shared the placenta with Charlotte and the placenta was the source of the infection, there was no way that Charlotte would survive.

Can we at least confirm that Christina is completely gone so I can focus on Charlotte?  Please?

And if you think I'm going to accept a phoned in diagnostic, fuck you.  If Dr. David Fucking Spade was going to pronounce both of my girls as inevitably dieing, he could at least look at me first.  At least pull out the ultrasound and react to what you actually see there rather than just diagnose according to what someone tells you over the phone.

The nurse got the fetal heart monitor and told me for the millionth time that night that since they were still so young, it might not be possible to find a heartbeat even if it's still there.  Yes, I understand that, but fucking check anyway!  If there's no heartbeat, I can just stop now.  And I understand that Christina is gone, I accept that (shit, did I just admit acceptance?  No, must not admit, and yet I know she's gone, can't accept, but I know) but at least tell me if Charlotte went with her.

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