This blog was started for a couple of reasons. The catalyst was that I had a negative experience related to my pregnancy (a weird emotional reaction after sex) and I couldn't find anyone else talking about the same thing. I not only wanted to document my pregnancy for myself, but I also wanted to write about all of those weird things that no one else talks about so that someone else going through the same thing might find it and be comforted at not being alone.
And while I haven't looked, I suspect that if I were to google for someone elses account of a miscarriage, I probably would not find a first hand account of what someone is going through. I'd probably find all of those stupid "how to deal with grief" advice pages that seem so insipid when you're actually going through it.
I'm having thoughts and feelings that are stupid, and petty, and illogical, and fixating on small details that don't matter. So far, nothing good has been able to come from this. My girls were too far along to be donated for stem cell research, not far enough along to create chord blood that might be donated to save someone elses life, and there was no means of using my situation for research to help further protect someone else from going through this.
So the only positive thing that I can offer the world on behalf of my girls is to describe what I'm going through so that someone else who is having these stupid, petty, horrible thoughts can honestly know, from first hand experience, that someone else really has been there.
In the long run, we are hoping that this will become a chapter of a larger story. That someone going through this pain will find this blog a couple of years from now and read this chapter, and then be able to read a few chapters down the road about babies first steps, and spitting up their first taste of banana.
And I'm hoping that writing will be therapeutic for me. Maybe if I spread the horrible information around, it will lighten my own load.
I don't expect anyone to follow this blog. I expect that my friends who have been reading so far and experiencing the pregnancy with me will unfollow at this point and I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm not writing to make other people read it, I'm writing it to get it out of my own head.
We have some counseling appointments coming up next week and I might be advised not to write this. I'll probably take the advice that I'm given so this post might become completely moot, I don't know yet.
If I do continue, the next posts are likely going to be detailed, graphic, gory. Step by step explanations of the physical sensations that I went through in horrible, gruesome detail. As I said, I don't expect anyone to want to read it. Over the course of dealing with this, I might reveal myself to be a disgusting, horrible, petty, obsessive individual as I recount every thought that crosses my mind. This might just be a means of wallowing in my own obsession. Again, I don't know yet.
But if putting myself out there, in all my petty and horrible glory will make someone else feel ok about the stupid and ridiculous thoughts they are having, it's worth whatever backlash I might receive.