My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

How can I ever have sex again?

Again, graphic stuff coming.

The last sensation I had in my vaginal canal was the pressure of the sack trying to push itself out.

How can I possibly tolerate, much less enjoy, anything touching those walls again?  That feeling of fullness?  I'm afraid that the next time anything or anyone touches me there, I'm going to flip out.

I was already having issues with sex.  Orgasms lead to cramps and pain so I didn't want any orgasms.  And as most women know, if we can't fully relax and enjoy, our brains shut down any physical attempt at pleasure.  And I just felt so full, I didn't want anything additional being inserted into my body.  So I've already had 4 months of negative associations working against me before this happened.

K is so understanding.  So insisting that it's ok.  And if intercourse isn't ever on the menu again, we'll adjust in other ways.  And absolutely no sex if I'm ever pregnant again.  It leads to cramps, cramps can lead to labor, never going to risk it.  And we already misinterpreted one bodily fluid as being a result of sex, I'm never going to make that mistake again.  And K is doing what he can to convince me that he's perfectly ok with a year or more of taking care of his own business.

But it's not just the intercourse.  Or even the orgasm through other means.  There are so many layers that I need to peal away before I can ever enjoy again.

To have sex, any kind, you mentally rise above your average way of being in terms of pleasure.  And every moment I have beyond flat, be it laughter, or whatever, I'm reminded that it feels odd and then I'm reminded of why it feels odd, and I plummet back down again.

And at some point, there's going to be that first touch.  And no matter what the situation is, we're both going to be tense and wondering if I'm about to freak.  And if we're tense and wondering if I'm 3 seconds from hysterics, not exactly a fun evening. 

And sex felt different while pregnant.  How is it going to feel now?

And it's an intense connection.  I'm having trouble just looking K in the eye sometimes because it's a connection and it's too much.

And the look of disappointment that crossed over K's face when I explained some of these layers to him.  It's like it suddenly sank in that one of the components to our marriage might not work anymore.  It's certainly not the foundation, but it's a component.

But I've also been reading all the anecdotal evidence of how a woman is at her most fertile for the month or two after a miscarriage.  So how I can let that opportunity to possibly conceive naturally slip away without even trying?  It's like I want to submit to sex over and over again as a medical procedure.  If it doesn't work, at least we tried, and if it does work, well, you know.  But that's not going to work either.  If K knows I'm not in the mood or not enjoying myself, his body responds in kind.

Will this turn us into just roommates over time?

So now what do I do?

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