One Week

Can't believe it's already been a week.  And I feel like every week has 2 anniversaries.  Every Wednesday will be another week since I lost them, and every Thursday is when my pregnancy week would have crossed into the next.  Tomorrow I would have been 20 weeks.

For twins, you can expect 38 weeks gestation and for a singleton, 40 weeks.  After 38 weeks, there's a threat that the placenta(s) can no longer support the babies adequately so if you haven't delivered by that point, it's standard to induce.

I was at 18 weeks, 6 days.  So one day shy of exactly halfway there.  And tomorrow, I'll be exactly halfway there had it been a singleton pregnancy.

We went to our first counseling session today.  Apparently we're doing pretty well with the coping.  We're trying to be together in this and be respectful of each others needs. 

And while I was a little afraid that the blogging would be discouraged, it was actually encouraged.  The counselor confirmed my feeling that as I write about each topic, it's almost as if finishing that thought puts it behind me.  Before I started writing, each topic just swam in my head as a story being written.  But once it was written, it's as if it's 95% over and done.  Still a touch of lingering thought, but not swimming so strongly with every other thought.

I'm trying to be ok.  And I'm trying to be ok with being ok.  No matter which state I'm in, either ok or miserable, it just seems so much worse than the other option.  An ever losing battle.

And I don't want to be a drama queen, of which I already have natural tendencies.  At what point do I cross over from grieving to drama queen?  At what point does K start rolling his eyes when we're watching tv on the couch and I mutter something like "I want them back" or "I'm starting to not remember what it feels like to be pregnant".  I know I haven't hit that point yet, but at what point should I knock it off?

I didn't cry much today.  A few times during the counseling session but that was somewhat provoked since we were there specifically to talk about it.  I probably have a few tears in me before I go to sleep tonight.