Well, it's coming up on that time. That time when I start thinking in terms of "one year ago today...."
I never wanted to be years into this journey. I really didn't. I figured that after over 4 years of trying naturally, then finding out we were good candidates for IVF, well, I thought I was gonna be one of the lucky ones. I started the fertility treatments when I was nearing the end of age 34. It really never occurred to me that I would find myself well into age 36 still prepped at the starting line, waiting for the pistol to shoot. But here I am. Butt in the air, feet ready to launch, hands on the track, and the pistol still ain't shooting.
And at the start of this journey, we had a false start. That first IVF attempt was stopped just before egg retrieval because of a hormone surge. I was arrogant enough to believe that that was it. That was our challenge. That was going to be the extent of our troubles along this journey.
And when the second attempt resulted in twins and extra embryos, oh boy did my arrogance soar! We had a false start, and to make up for it, the universe was giving me twins, woot!
You can see the arrogance simply in the title of this blog. I never bothered to write about the infertility part of it (other than a basic recap at the beginning of the blog) and instead, I had intended to become a mommy blogger. Blogging about the daily life of raising twins, starting from the very, very beginning of pregnancy.
Here I am, coming up on the one year anniversary of the creation of my girls. Aug 25th was egg retrieval and embryo creation day. Aug 30th was transfer day. A year ago, progress was being made. The pistol was firing and my feet were launching my body off of those starting blocks.
And now, I've been smacked by the officials for my arrogance that the race was ready to be run and told to get my butt back in those starting blocks. I really wanted to be jumping over a hurdle or two by now. To at least be a few steps closer to the finish line. But no. Not my destiny.
If I'm still poised here at the end of December, the anniversary of losing my girls, well, that's a blog post I hope I don't have to write.
I hear you. I didn't think that in 2000 when hubby and I ditched the birth control that we would still be fighting infertility in 2011.
ReplyDeleteOur main dx is male factor, which is usually easily overcome with IVF and ICSI. Yeah, right. They don't tell you that even the 1 or 2 sperm that look perfect, hide chromosonal imperfections that make fertilization difficult and miscarriages likely. We walked in the clinic with a swagger after being told our chances of success were over 50%, but it didn't take too long to turn that swagger into a stagger.
I am so sorry about the loss of your twins, and about you being held at the starting line. The most sucky part of the whole thing is that when you do finally get pregnant you're afraid to get attached or to enjoy yourself. I just want to say, it gets better. I believe in my heart of hearts that you will get pregnant and have your long awaited baby. When you do, I'll be here to remind you to try and enjoy it. :)
Thinking of you. PS, your weight loss is amazing!