My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Twins were my reward

Petty thought time.

One of my fears about getting pregnant again, having a singleton boy.  Everyone tells me that if that's what comes along, of course that's exactly what I'll want the moment he's here.  And part of me agrees.  Of course I'm going to love whoever comes along.

But since I'm not there yet.....

I kind of felt like twins were my reward for going through such hell to get pregnant.  And they were identical girls to boot.  I mean really, what are the odds of identical twin girls?

According to Twin Statistics the odds of having identical twins is 1 in 285.  So the odds of having identical twin girls is 1 in 570.  Yeah yeah, not so rare, but rare to me!  And identical twin girls were the fantasy I never even allowed myself to fully fantasize about since the odds of my getting them were so slim.

And I had them!  I had the fantasy!  That was my reward for doing everything right.  For getting my education, staying away from drugs, treating my bipolar disorder properly rather than trying to drink it away, for marrying a wonderful man, for setting up a stable life with a house and the ability to work from home, for failing at one IVF attempt and having to drain the bank account for the second attempt.  They were my reward for doing everything so fucking right in life.

The odds of a second set of identical of twins, 1 in 70,000 or less.  And thus identical girls, 1 in 140,000.


Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I feel so cheated!  Of course I'll love whoever comes along, but FUCK!  I want identical twin girls!  I always have!  I had them in my belly and now they're gone!

It's like being bankrupt and unemployed, then winning the lottery.  Not just the local lottery with a couple hundred bucks, but the monster million lottery.  And everyone is congratulating you and you've started to look for a house to buy so you can get out of the streets and you're living a decent life for a few months, finally free of the daily fear and hunger.  And you're just soaring and marveling at your good fortune at winning such a long shot.  What are the odds of something so fabulous?  And then the bank calls, says the lottery check bounced, once again you have nothing, and you go back to the shelter, even more broke because now all of the checks you wrote during those months have now bounced too.

And every day you have to explain to yet another person why you're life is in the shit hole again.

Right now, I feel like the next pregnancy will be like winning a hundred bucks after losing the million.  And don't tell me how horrible I am for feeling like that or that any healthy baby is like a million bucks cuz my brain already knows that.  I just don't feel it.  And if I still feel this way in March, I'll put off the FET for another month until I get over this.  No I won't.  Don't have a shot at getting either of my girls back until I try the FET.  So I guess I'll just risk some disappointment during the pregnancy for the reward of falling completely in love at birth.

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