My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Had to mention it again today

I called my video company with a question today about my shoot.  While we were on the phone, the person asked me when I was due.  That question wasn't in response to me being fat, I had told her a month or two ago that I was pregnant and would be avoiding shoots that were in nail salons (fumes) and I probably wouldn't be going up on roofs for roofing companies for a while.  She probably saw that in my notes, it reminded her that I was pregnant, and she was asking both out of polite curiosity and to know when I would no longer be available for video shoots.

And I had to say that I miscarried over the holidays and that I'm a little scattered at the moment, thus, the confusion about some paperwork I was looking at that I probably would have figured out on my own if I were fully together at the moment.

She was very polite about it, offered the standard "I'm so sorry" and I got through the moment ok.

I made my follow-up appointment with Dr. C so that will be happening next week.  I've requested the first appointment of the day and can I please be shuttled back to a room as soon as I get there.  I really don't want to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of happy pregnant women.  And I've opted to skip the pelvic exam and just go in for a basic follow-up and to learn what I can about what happened. 

So my latest trigger is thinking about that appointment, what questions I have, and what I might learn.  They'll have the pathology report for me.  I asked if anyone had taken pictures of the girls after they were born.  Mostly so I could prepare myself to be presented with that if that's the case.  But no, no pictures were taken.  I'm a little sad about that, but I also think it's for the best (for me). 

The last clear picture I have in my head is Christina dancing on the ultrasound at 17 weeks and I'm just as happy with that being my lasting mental image.  As curious as I am to know what they looked like, it's also possible that an image like that would be haunting.  So for me, it's best to just be able to imagine what they could have been, to remember them dancing, and to not have a true image of their deaths to overshadow those mental pictures.

But I have learned from the nurse on the phone that they measured at 18 weeks and 4 days.  They measured at 16 weeks, 4 days at my last ultrasound appointment exactly 2 weeks prior so they were growing just as they should have been right up until the very last moment.  I'm not sure if that makes this better or worse. 

It makes me wonder if we had waited, would they have continued to grow?  If we had been able to hold off for a few weeks, would they have grown large enough to be viable and have a chance at survival?  I have to trust that the doctors would not have performed the D&E if there was any possibility of that.  But I still can't help but wonder and feel guilty about it.

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