My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Feels like it wasn't real

The farther the pregnancy gets away from me in time, the more unreal it feels.  It's been just under 2 weeks and it feels like it was years ago or never happened at all.  Maybe it was just a game I was playing?  Or a dream I was having?  Whatever it was, I was really enjoying it at the time.

I'm physically smaller than I was during any of my pregnancy.  I'm currently about 10lbs lighter than when I conceived.  I'm assuming that will pack back on when I start eating regularly again, but for the moment, I'm considerably smaller than I was.  I guess my improved diet during my pregnancy helped me to lose some of my fat while I was gaining baby weight.  Now that the baby weight is gone, I'm left with a little less fat than I had when I started.

The bleeding has almost stopped.  Just a few traces now.  I suspect it will be gone by tomorrow.  The last remaining trace of what I had.

My boobs seem to have settled down.  It's been a few days since I've seen any traces of leakage and the firmness has pretty much gone away.

I'm both grateful and regretful for this current state of affairs.  On the grateful side, I don't just hurt anymore.  I can actually live like a living person to a certain extent.  On the regretful side, at least while I was actively mourning, I was still involved with my girls in some way.

But I also have the luxury and burden of not needing to leave the house or interact with anyone if I don't want to.  I don't have a job to go to (but I'm trying to change that) and I don't have any social obligations to worry about.  So I also don't have to be faced with random triggers throughout my day.  K has had to deal with a few triggers.  Like the very pregnant coworker.  Or the comment he overheard from someone stating he was going to be a dad to 2 pretty soon (she had been told of the miscarriage but obviously had a brain fart). 

But all in all, it feels like it wasn't real.  It's just gone.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.