My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Can I have a do over?

It was going so well.  Heartbeats were strong from the very beginning.

Once we saw the heartbeats the first time, my chances of a miscarriage dropped.  Once we passed the 8 week mark and still had 2 strong heartbeats, my chances of a miscarriage dropped again and we passed the hump of vanishing twin syndrome.  Then we got passed that first trimester with no problems, everybody was healthy, strong, just the size they were supposed to be.  And my odds of a miscarriage dropped to practically nothing.

17 week ultra sound and once again, everyone is strong, healthy, heartbeats and measurements right where they're supposed to be.  Oh look!  Little spines are formed and visible!  And the legs look like legs and are bending and kicking.  Those are little people now and not just blobbies on the screen.  Yup!  Everything is right on track!

18 weeks and uh oh, gestational diabetes.  Better make sure this hasn't started affecting them at all so we're going to run pretty much every test we have available.  Several days of stabbing myself an hour after I eat anything to check blood numbers, several vials of blood at the lab getting tests run.

18 weeks, 4 days, wow we're healthy!  All those vials of blood came back with the exact numbers we want them to be.  Food diary and all of those numbers recorded after eating, looks great! Only 3 numbers out of 50 or so are elevated and by such a minimal amount it barely even counts.  I'll get to see them again on the ultra sound in 2 days and I can't wait.  And I should feel them move any minute now.

18 weeks, 6 days and my water is broken, the girls are riddled with infection and I'm in surgery ending the pregnancy before it kills all three of us.  At 1pm, instead of watching my girls on a screen, my doctor is removing them from my body.

What the fuck happened?  And when the fuck did it happen?  Can't I just go back to that 17 week point and see if I can live the next 2 weeks again?  See if I can get it right this time?  They were perfect at that appointment.  I saw them being perfect!  Why can't I just go back to that point and give it another go from there?  Why are those 17-18 weeks of perfect just thrown away?

If there had been problems from the start that we were desperately hoping to overcome, it would have been somewhat understandable to not be able to overcome them.  But we weren't that pregnancy!  We were a perfect pregnancy!  We should have been able to guard against any downturn as it came along!  I don't understand how we go from perfect to shit overnight.

Can I please try those last couple of weeks again?  Please?

1 comment:

  1. I was not as far along when I lost my twins, but this hits home, hard. How the hell did things go from perfect to FUBARed?! Why? I know there's an entire future of hope to this blog, but know you have given me some spark of... something. I'm just glad I don't feel alone, someone somewhere at some point has had these same feelings as me. Thank you for starting this blog, keeping it, and sharing.


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