My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm just a failure

Feeling pretty hopeless today.

I've done exactly one thing right since becoming an adult.  I met and married my husband.

Everything else I've tried has completely gone to shit.

I really expected to be something by the time I was 35.  I never wanted to be a captain of industry or anything big like that, but I thought I'd at least have a career track, more money in the bank than I had in debt, I'd be a mom.

But nope.  Didn't accomplish any of those things.  I'm still applying for the same entry level jobs I was applying for when I was 20.  The difference is, back then, I got responses when I applied.

No kids to show for it.  As my business tanked over the course of the last 2 years, I figured oh well, I guess I wasn't meant to run a business, maybe being a stay at home mom and housewife will be the right direction for me.  And now I've failed at that too.

I don't understand why I have the brains and abilities to help others through their problems but I can't seem to see what it is I'm doing wrong myself so I can fix it.  Seriously.  When I'm in various forums and someone poses a problem, I'm usually one of 20 responses and the person always singles my response out as the brilliant one and the one that fixes their problem.

So why is it that I can point other people in the right direction, but seem to take the wrong turns myself?

I'm using all of my energy to tread water and I'm still getting swept out with the tide.  How can I ever get closer to shore when I don't even have enough energy to keep myself in place?  No matter what I seem to do, I go backwards.

1 comment:

  1. You are not alone in feeling this way....I am 42- have no money in the bank despite a decent job. Bills take my entire paycheck. My career is stuck-there are no promotions in special ed...and I have no kids despite trying for years. I thought I would finally have my dream when I got pregnant--but now, i am back to square one-
    I, too use all my energy just to tread water-emotionally and in daily life. y
    There isn't any reason--the choices I made seemed right at the time...or were the better of any other options...
    It sucks.


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