My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Had my follow-up with Dr. C yesterday.  Not a whole lot to report that we didn't already know.

It was a random thing.  We don't need to get rid of the cats because the bacteria they warn you about with cat feces wasn't the same one that got us. 

I must have misunderstood when I was in the hospital.  I could have sworn Dr. C told me that the second baby was also infected.  It turns out that it hadn't actually reached her yet.  It reached the first twin and she did have some distress.  The placenta and the cord were infected but it didn't actually reach the second twin yet.  But it was creeping down that cord, coming to get her and there would have been no escape.  And I had at most about 36 hours before the infection spread to me to a degree that it would have taken my whole reproductive system and possibly my life.

I wavered on whether or not this information made me feel better or worse.  I'm doing my best to let it make me feel better.  She never knew that my body had betrayed her.  She never felt any distress caused by my body.  The only distress she ever knew was at the hands of the doctors and I'm sure that was quick.  Sorry Dr. C, but I'm really glad it was you that caused the only pain she ever knew and not me.

I almost feel like there's some forgiveness for that.  Like she's out there somewhere saying "I had no idea that your body was failing.  No, really, the entire time I was there, life was good."

And I've been feeling guilty about not insisting on being seen when I had that mucousy discharge a few days before.  But he said that if I had, they would have pumped me with antibiotics (which wouldn't have helped), attempted a cerclage, and doing so probably would have either ruptured the weaker sac or added more puncture points for the infection to spread faster.  So by NOT going in, we probably delayed their deaths by a day or two.

I told him about the marketing research phone call of pure insensitivity and he agrees that the administrators need that feedback.  So he provided me his email address and when I'm in a position to write a professional letter rather than an emotional one, I'll do that and he'll forward it.

And I asked him to tell the nurse that was on duty that night that I know it was a shitty night at work for her and that there's not this random woman out there in the world who hates her or anything.  I know she did a good job and did what she could and I'm not angry at her just because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to.  He said that she had expressed some concern about that so it's good that she'll get a little bit of closure by hearing that I'm not angry with her or anything like that.

And I wasn't so sure about Dr. C during the pregnancy portion of this blog, but I'm pretty sure about him now.  He's clearly a man who went into his profession because he wants to help people and he doesn't have the ego that so many doctors are guilty of.  My situation honestly stressed him the fuck out and while I certainly don't wish anyone else to have a negative experience, knowing that he reacted to my situation with empathy and that it caused him some pain, well, yeah, that's the guy I want watching over my next pregnancy.

My body can carry to term if I get lucky again.  My body can carry twins if I get that lucky again.  This was just a random thing like a fall down the stairs or something.

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