They'll be back

I have this nagging belief that they'll be back. 

I'm not stupid, I know I'm not going to magically wake up and be entering week 21 of the pregnancy like I should be.

And spiritually, I have no defined beliefs so I can't really pin point the idea there either.

But, they'll be back.  They might come back one at a time, they might decide to be boys next time, I dunno.

But it's like I've always had 2 children, they were just waiting for us to create a body for them.  Guess they didn't like the two I was cooking up and would like us to try making something a little different.

Talked to K about this last night.  Mostly because I don't know if this is a safe little delusion to go ahead and believe in.  And because I don't want him to look at me with pity like I'm deluded.  And I don't want to go on believing something that dishonors what he believes about his girls.  We'll talk to the counselor about it and get her opinion.  But as far as delusions go, this seems to be an ok one not to force my brain to correct.

But will I be betraying my girls if I feel like one of them has returned when I'm pregnant again?  No longer mourning because I will feel like what I've lost is back in my belly?  Will I be denying the next baby who s/he is by ascribing him/her with the essence of a previous child?

We didn't get far enough along to believe that they had personalities or real identities yet.  Or at least any means of demonstrating those personalities.  We gave them names, and I've kind of given them identities, but not completely. 

That's probably why I was so obsessed with trying to feel them move for the first time.  I think that when the mother feels them move, that's the first direct communication between the child and the mother.  Everything else we saw of them was what the doctors told us and showed us rather than a direct line of communication.  I wasn't yet in a place where I could know them to be there except when it was shown to me on the monitors and ultrasounds.  So there was a disconnect in the information loop.  They couldn't communicate with me yet via kicks or other tangible communications. 

One might even argue that when I saw one dancing, it was nothing more than a biological reaction to the sugar in the orange juice I drank before going in for the ultrasound.  So being rational people, but with some sense of spirituality, we are stuck constantly debating within our own heads whether we believe that they were already little people, or that they were just biological organisms that reacted to stimuli in a scientifically explainable manner.

So I seem to be settling on the idea that we have 2 children out there in the ether somewhere.  And that they checked out the bodies we were cooking for them, tried them on for a time, and decided to wait to see what the next body offers and to go ahead and reject these two.  And it's even possible that they will prefer the bodies that a different couple can provide and we'll get them back via adoption. 

But when they're ready, and when the right body is made for them, they'll be back.