Can't sleep

It's 4am, I've taken 1 1/3 of an ambien and I'm still not sleeping.

I'm back at my computer because the last thing I want to do is lie in bed and not sleep.  That leads to thinking.  Don't wanna think. 

I've been in this little bubble of denial that's serving me quite well actually.  It feels like I'm back at the beginning of all of this when we were still deciding between adoption and IVF.  The whole concept of having kids are vaguely in the distant future.  Much easier than feeling the recency of them in the past.

I'm a crier now.  I've never been a crier before.  But it's always just below the surface.  If anything doesn't go my way, I cry.  So I'm not doing much of anything significant.  I'm afraid that if I do, and it doesn't go right, massive meltdown.  So I'm keeping busy with random, unimportant tasks.