The answers to every internet forum question ever

Because I'm doing nothing right now, I have a lot of time to participate in internet forums.  Especially forums for pregnant people cuz let's face it, that's what I want to talk about right now.

People post so many life problems!  And oh my goodness are the answers so freakin easy that I don't understand why people are claiming these are problems in the first place.

So for the sake of efficiency, I hereby write a list of answers to every problem ever.  Be it a Dear Abby type of problem or a relationship problem, whatever, one of these answers will apply.

• Say no.  End of discussion.  Reasons and why don't matter.  If the answer is no, just say no.

• You don't have to be polite to people who are being rude to you.  Feel free to respond to that jerk accordingly and don't feel bad about it.  They were the rude assholes first, standing up for yourself makes you smart, not a jerk.

• People on the internet can't diagnose your medical issues.  Call the damned doctor if your body does something that freaks you out.

• You can Google it a lot faster than the rest of us can.  Ask Professor Google before asking us.

• Move out and get your own place or tolerate the twit you live with.

• Leave the bastard.  A good relationship requires good people entering it.  If he's a jackass or she's just a bitch, you can't fix it so get the fuck out.  If you always end up with a bitch/jackass, the other person probably isn't really the problem.  
• Your kids will grow up to do what you do.  Don't tolerate a relationship that wouldn't be good enough for your kid or they will be doomed to repeat it.
• If they make you feel like crap, there's no reason to remain friends/lovers with them.  Most friends aren't friends, they are just people we are in close proximity with and we call them friends for lack of actually choosing who we want in our lives as friends.  You are not required to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you have nothing in common and who's company you do not enjoy.
• If at any point in the discussion of your problem you utter the phrase "but I looooooves him" you immediately relinquish all rights to be treated as though you have an IQ larger than your shoe size.

• Do not sign it until you have read it and fully understand every line in it.

• You can fix bankrupt, you can't fix dead.  Don't stay somewhere dangerous for financial reasons.

• If it takes more than 3 sentences to describe all of the complicated factors in your problem because it's so intricate, no it's not.  It's pointless drama.  Grow the fuck up.

• If the offer is now or never, go with never.  A good offer will still be available after you've thought about it.

• Write like a grown up if you want people to respond to you.  I don't care how much your friends can read text speak, if it's not on your phone, it's stupid and you look stupid for using it.  Since we have no other way of judging you, you are being judged online by your writing skills.  Either get you some, or shut the fuck up and make room for the grown-ups to talk.