My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Illogical fear

I'm very aware of the fact that most of my fear during this pregnancy is completely illogical.  And I'm starting to realize why.

What happened to me, how I lost my girls, defies all logic.  What happened simply doesn't make any sense.

Basically, I thought I had eaten something that made me gassy and when I went to try to take a crap, I discovered that my body was trying to eject my pregnancy.  That makes NO sense.  I wasn't really in any pain, just uncomfortable.  The same uncomfortable that a person usually is when they eat something that makes them gassy.

And here's the main thing - there was no fluid of any kind before the sac started coming out.  There was no blood.  There was no liquid or discharge.  My body didn't break my water before trying to push out the first baby.  My body tried to eject my pregnancy fully intact.  That's not really supposed to be possible.

Had it been earlier in my pregnancy, had the babies been smaller, I could have very easily have dropped the whole thing right there in the toilet without really any effort.  The whole sac would have simply slid out of my body in one big blob.  It's only because they were big enough to kind of get wedged in there that I continued into labor (which eventually did become very painful).

So at 7 weeks (this pregnancy), when I felt a big clot just slide right out of me, and I looked in the toilet and saw an intact clot about the size of an egg sitting in there, well, of course that's what I thought had happened.  It's not supposed to be able to happen that way, except for me, in my first pregnancy, that's practically what happened.

I had some gas issues last night.  And as I sat there on the couch, being uncomfortable from gas, I watched the clock.  I was paying attention to see if the gas aches came in scheduled waves or if they were just random.  Fortunately, there was no pattern to them.  But this is how I'm spending every day right now.  Every abdomen ache has me watching the clock to make sure there's no pattern, that my body isn't doing a very subtle labor.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I wipe good and close so my fingers can make sure there's nothing trying to push itself out of me.

I know I should be grateful to be pregnant, and I AM grateful to be on the right track to finally bringing my children home, but this pregnancy is not fun.  I've never heard anyone accuse an infertile of not being grateful enough for being in the process of IVF so please don't accuse me of not being grateful enough to be pregnant.  Yes, I am, but that doesn't mean I have my children yet.  It simply means that I successfully got through the IVF struggle and have moved on to Struggle 2.0.

My attitude sucks right now.  Probably because next week is the anniversary of losing my girls and I'm terrified of history repeating itself.  If I get through this, then I'll start approaching the point in the pregnancy at which I lost the girls, and I'll again be terrified of history repeating itself.  What I'm really hoping is that once I get beyond that, once I'm at a point in the pregnancy where I'm experiencing things for the first time instead of just repeating my last pregnancy, my attitude will change and I won't be so scared all the time.  I'm hoping that there will come a time when I can enjoy this fully.

I am trying.  I really am.  But no, I haven't purchased the maternity bra that I need for sleeping because I'm too afraid I won't need it by the time it arrives.  And no, I haven't started rereading my pregnancy books.  And no, I haven't started following mommy blogs and parenting blogs because I'm still not confident that I'll be joining that community any time soon.

It was taken away from me suddenly, with no warning, and in a way that defies all logic the last time.  Intellectually, I'm realizing that what happened to me is really a one in a million chance occurrence.  It should not have been possible.  But that's the only life experience I have on the subject, so all the intelligence in the world can't convince me that it's not happening again at any given moment.


  1. Alex, everything you're describing is totally normal! I know it's hard, but golly, please try to cut yourself some emotional slack and realize you've been traumatized, and those traumatic memories aren't just going to go away, no matter how "illogical" they are. All of us who hope to face pregnancy again after loss, I think, can expect to be completely scared out of our just really sucks to have the realities we have. We lost that ability to feel like most other pregnant women we hear about: blissful, innocent, completely unaware of the Hell that can (and did, for us) lurk right around the corner.

    And, geez, if anyone calls you ungrateful, I'll deck 'em for you.

  2. I agree with Amy L about decking anyone who hints at you being ungrateful. In fact - I agree with cutting yourself some slack too.

    This time will be different, but just as you're doing all the right things nutritionally and resting etc for those two tiny humans inside... in time you may be able to think of it more in terms of what they each deserve and that you are able to do some of those "hopeful" "blissful" things for their separate and new experiences of growing inside.

    You're doing great! You're doing it "real". Life is messy and delicate and not everyone gets to realize just how delicate when they bring their own babes into the world. Some of us know how precious each positive and safe dr appt is that we go through... like holding your breath to pass the bar each and ever step along the way.

    They are there inside and with you - and all of us who are reading are supporting them on in our own little internet ways.

    You'll celebrate and buy things and read things and when you're ready... you'll do those get ready things. You'll know when the time is right. It'll be right when it's right for YOU. =)

    Keep on growin' momma!

  3. Please don't feel bad. I had the very same first labor where one minute I was sleeping and then up to go to the bathroom and the next I was feeling my bag of waters coming out. It shouldn't be able to happen that way! We should have water break or contractions to alert us...

    I know, that if I get pregnant again, I will have all the same fears. All the same feelings and worries and hesitancies.

    You went through trauma. I am just realizing this for myself. This is what it does...PTSD.

    I'm sorry you can't fully enjoy this pregnancy. I get it, really. I wish we were still naive and clueless.


  4. I would never say you are ungrateful. You are quite the opposite, you are so in love with your twins already that you are scared stiff of losing them.

    I wish there was some way to try and squash your fear. It sounds like it has become almost crippling in its intensity, and that is no way for you to live. After the birth of my twins I suffered from PPD/anxiety. I was so afraid that something was going to happen to them that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I was absolutely miserable. I ended up taking anti anxiety medication so I could function. Don't hesitate to seek help if it could possibly make this pregnancy a more positive experience for you. A lot of what you are feeling seems totally logical to me, but it is fueled by PTSD and anxiety, and there are medications that can help.

  5. You can't continue to live your life this way. Have you given it serious thought about seeing a counselor/therapist. It will benefit you in so many ways and help you refocus your negative thoughts.

  6. @TaniaWell, technically she *can*, but it might wear her out more than she already is.

    Alex, if you're interested in a referral to that birth trauma counselor I mentioned before, just say the word and I'll get you the details.


  7. When will you get to relax and enjoy this pregnancy? Probably somewhere around the 32 - 34 week mark if I had to guess. And with twins, that means just about the very end! My sister had her first child at 30 weeks after several weeks of bedrest and hospital bedrest due to complete placental abruption. Scary as hell - that kiddo spent several long months in the NICU (and is now a healthy 6 year old). I didn't realize just how scared I was with baby #1 until I got to the 30 week mark and felt like a huge weight was lifted from me to know I'd at least made it that far with no sign of impending labor. I ended up going a few days past 40 weeks and with this pregnancy, once I got past the IVF fear of it not working or being a 'bad embryo', I feel very comfortable that this will go 'all the way' again. Maybe too comfortable. Hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. Anyway . . . I really hope we make it through our pregnancies together and sometime in June you can show me pics of your sweet kiddos while I wait for the arrival of mine.

  8. Like others have said you have to cut yourself some slack. You have been through a horrible loss, I can't even imagine what it was like. You have every right to be scared out of your mind. I just wish you weren't. I know talking to someone really helps a lot of people let out and let go of anxieties. I swear by it. I think about you often and pray for you and your little ones. Hugz!


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