My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Plans for tomorrow

Tonight begins the anniversary of the ordeal of losing my girls.  I think I started realizing something was wrong around 10pm or so and we were heading to the ER by 11pm.  So I'm kind of gearing up for an emotional roller coaster tomorrow.

I knew that tomorrow would be one of my hurdles all along, but I think I'm approaching it pretty well.  It's a hurdle in that it's the anniversary so that's just hard.  And also because my brain associates 11 weeks with the beginning of the safety zone.  It seems like most missed miscarriages happen prior to week 11.  You hear a lot of "the baby stopped growing at 10w2d" but very few people report something like that beyond the 11 week mark.

I've been a very good girl.  I haven't gone in for some sort of emergency ultrasound in 8 whole days!  Aren't you proud of me?  So I decided to reward myself with an ultrasound tomorrow.  Hey, the doctor said I could!  Our schedule is pretty much every 2 weeks but he said if I feel I need one every week, we can do that.  So K and I decided that seeing my little monkeys tomorrow would probably help me get through a very hard day.

We have no reason to think anything is wrong.  I haven't had any bleeding and I'm generally achy around the middle which indicates growth.  But getting some visual confirmation that everything is fine will just make the whole day easier.  And if something is wrong, well, tomorrow is the preferred day of the year to get bad news.  I'd rather our family have one death day anniversary per year rather than two.

Okey dokey.  I'm gonna try to motivate myself to go into the pottery studio today and make some mugs.  My shop had a really good Christmas season and my shelves are looking a little pathetic.  Besides, I've been so lazy and unmotivated that I'm just bored.  Even with boredom as a motivator, I'm still having trouble getting off my butt and doing anything, but I'm going to give it a valiant effort today.


  1. Thinking of you, Alex. Sending you lots of love and hugs as your anniversary approaches, and wishes for a fabulous u/s tomorrow.

  2. Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts toward you during the anniversary.

    oh, and, when the hell will technology let us purchase our own personal us machines? I'd buy one for my neighbor as a xmas gift. I imagine they'd go like hot cakes...

  3. Thinking of you Alex, I hope today and tomorrow go smoothly!

  4. Good luck getting through today, I'll be thinking of you & sending good thoughts your way.

  5. Thinking of you. I hope you get a wonderful look at your twins. :)

  6. Hoping for a good ultrasound! And I'm waiting to read your post when you get back :)


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