My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I hate this


This morning seemed to be the end of the fresh blood.  Most of the day, the bleeding has been either brown, or just barely there with my system clearing out some final blood residue.

Just when I thought "Ok, that wasn't too bad" boom, bright red, fresh blood starting all over again.

And I'm 8w2d so it's expected that I would have mild cramps and twinges and gurgles and stuff.  Nothing has been painful, but every fucking twitch has me analyzing what it means and if it could be bad.  I can't determine what's normal 8 week stuff and what might signal disaster!

I'm not really having nausea anymore so the absence of that symptom makes me freak out.  However, the last couple of days, I've been feeling pregnant in that my abdomen has been heavy.  Am I potentially missing a missed miscarriage?  You know, the kind where your symptoms go away because the heart(s) stopped beating but you don't actually expel the fetus(es)?

As I sit here writing this, I'm having a small shooting pain on my waistline, about halfway between my belly button and my right side.

And apropos of absolutely nothing, I got a notice for jury duty in January.  AGAIN.  I fucking hate being forced into downtown Seattle during the potentially snowy season.  The last time I had jury duty, in the same building as this time, I got trapped on a bus for 5 hours because it began to snow hard on the way home and no one in this part of Washington can deal with it.  I didn't even make it home.  I finally gave up when we crawled onto the the exit that would take me to my parents house and had my dad come pick me up from there.  K was behind me in traffic so I just told him to meet me there and we spent the night at my folks.  To tell you how obnoxious this is, on an average day, it takes about 10 minutes to get from my parents house to my house.  But the traffic was SOOOO bad, and so refusing to move, that we were anticipating another 2-3 hours to travel those couple of miles making it pointless to try.  Yeah, I really want the potential of doing that again at around 14 weeks pregnant.  Assuming I can even get to 14 fucking weeks pregnant which right now I'm having some serious doubts about.

Unhappy Alex is Unhappy.

4 more days until my next ultrasound.


  1. Hi, I just found your blog and I am relieved. I am also an infertility blogger who gave birth to fraternal twins (boy/girl) at very near 20 weeks. It was the most trying and horrific time of my life. That was 7-ish weeks ago.

    I have been desperately seeking others out there who have lost twins around the time (in pregnancy) that I did and who also knows infertility. As it turns out, I also live in Washington (Maple Valley).

    I would love to follow you and maybe provide some support here and there. I am so happy you are being blessed with twins again. There is nothing I want more than to carry two babies, but I don't know if I have the guts to try that one again.
    I'm sorry things are so touch and go right now and you have to deal with this scary bleeding. I wish I could help somehow. I know how scarey it is as I had bleeding at 12 weeks into my pregnancy.
    I wish you the best and would love for you to stop by my blog and visit.

    Alissa (MissConception)

  2. Grrr. I'm sorry you're still bleeding. I can certainly relate to your feelings of uncertainty and frustration about that. The entire 7 weeks between Aliya's abruption and my loss were filled with daily spins around the blood wheel...from dark red, to dark brown, to light brown, to almost gone, starting over every morning with dark red. Seems I would bleed most during the night, maybe from tossing and turning or something. I hated that and always wondered if this was "it," only to be told it was normal and not to worry.

    As for the jury duty during pregnancy, double grrr! I wouldn't want to have to deal with downtown Seattle in the winter, either, especially pregnant. I wish they'd let you get out of it for "pregnancy" reasons. Hey, maybe you'll be on bedrest and physically unable to go (wink wink).

  3. First trimester bleeding is so f'ing miserable. It's maddening and no amount of reassurance seems to last for very long while it's still going on. I'm sorry you're going through this.

    FWIW my symptoms disappeared for almost two weeks around week 8 before coming back. It made me feel a little better at the time to read about it happening to other women who were fine. Just the reminder that it might be normal helped, I guess.

    Everything crossed for you at your next ultrasound, and I hope the damned bleeding stops soon.


  4. Hoping and praying the bleeding ends soon and your next US goes great!

  5. Love your blog. Wishing you the best during this pregnancy! I shared a blog award with you through my blog. Thanks for sharing your story with us all! :)

  6. Hiya,
    well, I know the bleeding is freaking you out. I can tell you that I had a BUNCH of shooting pains up and down my crotch around 8 weeks, and that's also when most of the symptoms started to come and go - so I think you're all good. I've been following closely - crossing my fingers for your next scan!

  7. I can only imagine how scary this is. Think positive. Your unhappiness will stress out the twins. And that is definitely not good! They need their mama to be positive and believe that this will end differently than your last pregnancy.

    And around 8 weeks, I was so even-keeled I didn't feel the least bit pregnant. But those sharp pains, thats your uterus stretching and growing.

    Be kind to yourself!!

  8. Hey Alex, hang in there. Sorry I've not been on chat the last few days, just busy as all get out. Remember you can call me if you need me.

  9. I hope that the brown blood means that clot is outta here! I have also 'lost' some of the symptoms...and then gotten different ones back. Yesterday I realized that I hadn't been nauseous and I had the same feeling of 'maybe the heart stopped beating because of all the cleaning and stuff I've been doing'. But I've decided to feel positive until I've got a reason not to. It is hard, though, and I'm not experiencing the scary bleeding. Hang in there! It's about all we can do...US to US.

  10. Hang in there, lady! I'm so sorry you are going through this. xoxo


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.