My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, December 12, 2011


The bleeding freaked me out way beyond all proportion.  I mean, most of my bleeds have been significantly worse than this one and I logically seemed to know that things were probably just fine.  And even so, I went a bit into overdrive.  I know, hard to believe, but yes, I freaked and asked to go in to my OB office for a peak at the monkeys to make sure hearts were beating.

Ya know the constipation I mentioned earlier?  Yeah, that's been a bit more traumatic for me than I've been talking about.  When I lost the girls, for about an hour, I mistook labor for constipation.  And there was straining on the toilet and things coming out where they shouldn't and feeling it with my hand.  Shortly after the toilet experience, the undeniable labor started which was pain all around my core.

So this last week, I had some major constipation.  I had some solids in there that took 2 full days of straining and pushing to get out.  Those entire 2 days, every time I pushed, well, ladies you know how when you've got something huge coming out the back, it kind of bulges the front too?  Yeah, I had that going on, so I had a very tactile similarity in my hand when wiping to last year when I was feeling the sac bulge out.  And all of the straining really caused my core section to be sore the last few days, including lower back pain, and every little ache has reminded me of the labor pain.

So heading to the doctors office this afternoon, I just kind of lost it, all sorts of crying in the car.  I'm 10 days away from the one year anniversary of losing the girls.  I'm pretty much in the same life situation I was in when that happened (pregnant with twins).  All the tactile reminders over the week.  And my body feels like it's heading on the road to the same destination I found myself at a year ago - dead babies.

I pulled myself together as well as to be expected and they were able to get me in for my ultrasound very quickly.  And the moment wanda was in place, there was Twin A waving at me as if to say "OMG Mom, would you calm the fuck down?  I'm right here!  Hellloooooooo!!!!!"  Twin B was much more chilaxed but just as healthy.  Heartbeats at 171 and 167, both measuring 9w1d (3 days behind just as they always have been).  They found a small subchorionic bleed, just over 1cm, and that things look good.

I didn't feel the need to talk to the doctor, the ultrasound gave me the info I wanted, but they had me wait a bit to talk to my good ole Dr. C.  I still feel kind of silly considering I've got my real appointment with him in 2 days but he really doesn't seem to mind.  And for some reason, even though I'd been told everything was fine, and even though I believed that everything was fine, I could not stop crying.  It's just been such a hard week and I'm so tired, and I can't handle this constant pattern of bleeding but fine.

So Dr. C comes in and I tell him that I don't understand why my brain isn't communicating with my face and making it stop crying.  He says I've got some PTSD going on.  That when he saw my name on his appointment calendar, even he had a mild panic flutter because what happened with me was professionally the worst day of his life.  So if he's having flashbacks, of course I must be having some major issues.  Yup, that's how I just LOVE to be remembered!

But really?  PTSD?  I kind of feel like I don't deserve that mantle.  Women have miscarriages every day.  And yeah, mine sucked, and ok, the experience was a bit more dramatic than what most women go through, but really?  Was it really such a uniquely horrific experience to warrant PTSD?  PTSD seems reserved for those who have truly witnessed/experienced horrific events, like soldiers returning from war.  How can what I went through compare to what so many soldiers are surviving day after day?  Was mine really that much worse than what other woman are going through every day?

Well, whether I deserve it or not, I seem to be suffering some effects from it.  I just can't fathom going into the new year still pregnant.  All signs point towards things being just fine, but my brain just won't go there.  And as the dates on the calendar swing back around to the same numbers they were when I lost the girls, so does my grief and fear and I'm having trouble understanding that this is a different pregnancy with a potentially different outcome.  I just can't help but feel like I'm simply repeating last December.

The babies are fine, but I'm having a really hard time of things.

***Update***  Just to give you an idea as to why I have a hard time believing I went through something so uniquely awful, I spent most of my life suffering from bipolar disorder.  So I was disproportionately miserable in relation to my circumstances.  So while my miscarriage was the most horrible thing I could ever imagine, I assume that other people have it worse and that my story isn't more horrible than anyone elses.  I talked to my dad.  My dad is a judge and his career has been determining various benefits for people (they've usually been denied benefits several times by the time they get to my dad so don't hate him, he's pretty awesome).  So I asked him if he thought that what I went through would warrant PTSD.  He says yes.  Soooooooo, if the doctor thinks so, and my dad thinks so, I guess it was pretty fucking traumatic and it's ok for me to be dealing with some lingering effects.


  1. I am glad the kiddos are doing just fine. But, yo don't think what you went through was horrific? That one event in your life, didn't traumatize you?

    I think it did.

    PTSD can't be compared to eachother. You can have the same type of reaction from going to the bathroom as a soldier being shot at. One isn't worse than the other because its individualized to you. DOn't minimize that!

  2. Sweetie, I get you. I went through the same thing with my twins, born at 20 weeks. I had the constipation/labor thing on the toilet..with the sac coming through. I definately feel like I have some PTSD going on and I am not pregnant again yet. I can only imagine what it will be like then.

    I am so glad everything is okay with those monkeys.


  3. PTSD isn't reserved for soldiers and victims of violent crimes... it is a psychological / biological response to a traumatic event. The level of trauma doesn't have to get such-and-such grade. If it was traumatic for YOU, you can experience PTSD. It's okay to feel what you're feeling! What you went through sounds immensely traumatic, and it's not surprising that you would be experiencing PTSD right now. In fact it might almost be weird if you didn't feel something now that you are basically back in the same situation. I was a passenger in a car accident where nobody was injured and I still sometimes cringe in similar situations on the highway, 3 years later. It's good that your doctor pointed it out and is keeping an eye on it.

  4. Oh, Sweet Pea. You know, PTSD around childbirth and loss is not uncommon. Even birth trauma that results in a perfectly healthy baby can still result in PTSD. My friend saw a counselor who specializes in PTSD and birth trauma. Let me know if you'd like her info...I'm sure I can get it (she was going to send it to me but Seattle is too far for me to drive for appointments.)

    I'm glad there's just a little SCH and I'm also secretly really pleased that your OB is traumatized by your events last year. I think the two of you will make a really good team.

    Hugs, peace and strength to you today...

  5. I can totally see why you would have PTSD around the birth of your twin girls. Like Amy said, it is common to have PTSD around a tramautic birth, even when it ends with a live birth, let alone what you've been through. Do they have a counselor at your OB office that can help you through this tough time?

  6. Yes. Definitely. Don't you ever think about what you would rather have happened to you than losing your twin girls? I mean, when I lost babies, I thought along the lines of this "I would rather have had some scary man break into my house, fire machine gun bullets everywhere, have his way with me, and cut off my pinky finger." I'm not trying to be funny here. Losing babies is Hell.

  7. Every person experiences life traumas differently. If you, your dad and your doctor are leaning towards PTSD its time you see a psychologist to get the diagnosis confirmend and start receiving the proper treatment so that you can cope better with life's traumas. I have PTSD too, but I've told you that before.

  8. I think you shouldn't be so critical of yourself in this. I have PTSD as well - which pretty much kicked in after my second loss and brought me to happy pills. I definitely think you may want to consider some therapy - I know it's done wonders for me to work through all of the fear I've been having. Especially with the anniversary coming up - you want your little ones to have a happy mommy! Don't be afraid to take care of yourself and cut yourself a break every once in a while.


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.