My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

When does this get real?

16 weeks today.  Every time I look at the calendar and count up my weeks and days, I can't help but think "Really?  That's it?  That's as far as I've gotten?  This is taking FOREVER!"

I seem to recall that at around 16 weeks is when it all got real for me the last time.  We were halfway through our Birthing for Multiples classes, I was signing up for the local Moms of Multiples club, and I was starting to shop for various things to decorate the nursery.

Not this time though.  This still just seems like an extension of the IVF attempt.  Instead of a 2ww, I'm going to have more of a 30ww.  We're checking on the doppler every other night or so and yes, we still have two little hearts beating away in there.  They tend to remain pretty consistent at around 160bpm.  But that seems about as real to me being told I have a large number of follicles or healthy embryos ready for transfer.  It still seems like part of the process of maybe rather than declaring a success and needing to start preparing for the reward.

The other thing that's pretty consistent is the dark brown blood on my toilet paper that I get to look at every time I pee.  13 solid days now of a small amount of very dark brown blood.  Almost looks like I'm wiping the other end sometimes.  Starts with about a teaspoons worth collected there when I do my first pee of the day, and then it tapers from definitely being there to just being trace amounts for the rest of the day.  Every night I go to bed hoping that it's stopping, or at least it's going to take a break, and every morning we start the cycle over again.

I'm sick of eating all the time because I'm hungry every 2 hours.  I'm sick of the sink being full of dishes because I'm eating so damned often and I don't have the energy to deal with them and K doesn't have the time.  I'm sick of being able to smell every litterbox in the house all the friggin time.  I'm sick of thinking every day I'm going to do something productive, or at least fun, and finding myself having spent yet another day sitting in front of my computer with nothing to show for it.  I'm sick of having a sore abdomen without having the fun of it being kicked from the inside.  I'm sick of feeling blurples that I think might be baby movement, and then 20 minutes later feeling the exact same sensation in a different part of my stomach (like up near the ribs) that couldn't possibly be baby blurples.

I begrudgingly signed up for three baby classes yesterday.  Not because I'm convinced I'm going to actually have a use for the knowledge one day, but because the paperwork we have from the doctor says to take the classes in months 4 or 5 if you're having multiples and I'm about there.  Signed up for Day With Baby, Breastfeeding, and Car Seat Safety.  Since we already took the birthing class, that pretty much covers it right?

And it's starting to nag me that I should start researching products.  Research carseats (but now I'll wait until after I take the class in April), various sleeping options and the products one needs to purchase for whatever choice is made there, strollers, stuff like that.

Meh, fuck it.  Yeah, there's always a chance that I could give birth really, really early in just a couple of months, but if that happens, the babies will be in the NICU for months and I won't need that stuff yet anyway.  Researching and shopping would give me something to do during those stressful weeks in the NICU.  Doing all that stuff right now would be too early, a burden on the 16 week me, and might deprive the terrified 28 week me of a distraction I might desperately need.

I suppose around 20 weeks, I'll ask my brother what equipment he has been storing, waiting to pass it on, and actually begin an inventory of what I have already from a variety of family members given to me during the last pregnancy (thanks again everyone!) and what I will actually need to get.  It will be real to me at that point, right?  I'll know genders, the babies will have the beginnings of identities, I should actually be feeling them move, and I'll have passed the point where I lost the girls.

Ultrasound tomorrow morning.  With the girls, the big ultrasound was around 17w or so.  I think it was a different machine because the picture was so much clearer, and they suddenly looked real rather than like fuzzy blobbies.  So I'm not sure if my 16w ultrasound is going to be the big one or the 18w will be.  I'm not sure which I'm hoping for actually.  If tomorrow is the one where the reality suddenly smacks me in the face (like it did with the girls) will that rachet up my fear several notches?  Is my current state of apathetic "maybe" a better place to be for the time being?

I suspect tomorrow we'll also start my weekly progesterone shots, and I'll probably be taking the glucose test for gestational diabetes within the next week as well.  Since I'm pretty certain I'm going to have it again (I have twice the placentas this time so twice the chance, and since I got it last time, it only stands to reason), I'm pretty sure that my cookies and other treats are about to be taken away from me.

My conclusion is in reference to this post.

I guess what this all boils down to is that even though I've been told I've hit my goal weight and that I don't need to diet anymore, I'm allowed to eat the brownies, I'm still scared to go into the bakery and actually make the purchase.  I'm allowed?  Really?  Are you sure?  Maybe I should just lose another couple of pounds, just to be safe.  Ya know, cuz that one bite of brownie might undo all the work I've done to get this far.


  1. I totally get where you're coming from. How can you not be feeling like it's not real, that it won't be taken from you any moment? I can't imagine I will not feel exactly the same way if/when I get pg again. One day at a time, girlfriend...

    Hugs! You're doing really well...even if you sometimes don't feel like it!

  2.'s all better than the alternative.

    My doctor whipped out a book written by two top doctors and told me to follow the dietary guidelines from day one. It basically boils down to eat, eat, eat, eat in the first and second trimester...but make every calorie count nutrition wise and eat carbs and sweets in moderation and watch out for the salt. You can avoid GD if you only eat sweets very rarely and eat carbs sparingly. So if I wanted a salty snack, I ate soy chips (protein! low fat), stuff like that. If I craved sweets, I would drink a milk shake (protein, calcium) not a brownie. And if you crave the occasional Big Mac...go ahead. (protein and necessary fats).

    My pregnancy with my twins was never real until I brought them home. I was convinced all the time that something bad was going to happen any minute. I know it sounds impossible, but don't be like me. Not only did the anxiety carry over to when they were born. (PTSD, PPD and anxiety), but I didn't enjoy any of the pregnancy I had worked so hard to achieve. Enjoy those burbles. Even the ones high up are most likely still baby. Even this early they take up a lot of real estate :)

  3. I know its hard to enjoy a pregnancy Alex when you are so worried about losing it. Most of us have also experienced loss at different stages of pregnancy and have the same fears. Right now, just a day after transfer, I have worry. But I'm going to go look at the brownies and smell them too. Yup I'm going to go look at baby stuff and put it on my wish list. I'm not torturing myself, my wish list is private. I'm just keeping Hope.

  4. I'm not sure what the answer is as to when it gets real. Maybe it's when babies show up in arms?

    I'm currently 12 and change with twins and despite them seeming much more detailed at the perinatologist, they still aren't real. I question of knowing genders will move me closer?

    Having had my previous twin pregnancy end in a single twin, I know that there is no "safe time". I do intellectually know that the outcome of two babies is more likely than either one or zero now, but it's hard to know that emotionally.

    Are there any theories on the blood cycle?


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