My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Slim chance of gender tomorrow

I have an ultrasound tomorrow and there's a very slim chance that I'll get a clue as to the genders.  I'll be 14w4d so in theory, the genitals have started forming.  But the odds of the technician getting a clear look and knowing for certain are slim.

I was talking to K about this and here's the problem, if I have 2 boys in there, I'm going to be devastated.  Not that I have anything against boys.  And I'm sure I'll get over it.  And it doesn't even have anything to do with boys versus girls.

But I've kind of survived this long by telling myself a little story.  You see, Charlotte was perfectly content in there.  She showed us who she was with no question right away.  On the other hand, Christina did not want us to see her bits at all.  She kept flipping and turning to make sure that her bits were unseeable no matter where they put the ultrasound device.  We even tried to go vaginal to get a look from another direction and she figured out what we were doing and flipped back away from that one too.  And it was Christina that had the infection, Charlotte was still untouched by it when the pregnancy ended.

So in those 2 weeks between the gender ultrasound and losing them, I got very attached to my little girl Charlotte.  I was still very attached to Baby B, but we just weren't certain if she was Christina or if he was Christopher, so I didn't have as firm an identity to latch onto with her.

So I tell myself the story that she didn't want to be a she, she was meant to be a he and that's why she shed her last body.  So she could try to come into this world as the person she was meant to be.  Unfortunately, she took Charlotte with her.

This little story has served me well.  It's kept them somewhat alive for me.  That I might still get to meet them and be their mommy.

So if I currently have one of each, it almost confirms that silly little story, and will actually give me an odd sense of security.  Like this time they got it right so they'll stick around.  And if it's 2 girls, ok, so the story doesn't quite work as well, but I still get that "they're back!" joy and I really get a second chance to try to get it right this time.

But if it's two delusions are shattered.  Yay for the 2 new babies that will be joining us, but I will have to fully admit to myself that the other two are actually gone.  It's not that I won't love my boys if that's what I've got.  It's just that when I'm told "it's 2 boys" what I'm REALLY being told is "it's confirmed, your girls are really dead and gone."

I hope you can understand my potential reaction.   I won't be reacting to the news of what I have, I'll be reacting to the final nail in the coffin for my girls.  And that's going to take some time to get over so that I can accept and embrace the new babies as being new and apart from the first two.

So folks, that's why I'm so adamant that I need my little girl to be in there.  It's not because I see raising a girl different from raising a boy.  Ok, I do have a slight preference towards that because boys tend to be more energetic as toddlers and two of them destroying the house in tandem scares the crap outta me.  But no, that's not really it.

I fell in love with my little girl and I want her back.

Current pregnancy status - 14w3d.  Dark brown bleeding for the last 2 days.  Heartbeats detected on home doppler.  Still have a lot of lower abdomen soreness like my bladder is constantly trying to hold in a gallon of water.  A bit of a bloody nose as well just to make sure I've got blood coming out of everywhere.


  1. Hope have one of each. Most of all I just hope they become take home babies for you.

  2. I understand. If I were to get pregnant with twins again I would want my boy and girl for that reason. It would feel right to me. Having two of either gender would be hard.

  3. I completely understand. I think if I were to conceive anything but girl/boy (or boy/girl) twins again, I'd be devastated, too. A lot of folks wouldn't understand that...but those are usually the same ones who haven't experienced a loss like we have.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed that you are able to see genders tomorrow, and for peace for you, whoever you have growing in there. Hugs, mama!!

  4. Or: Charlotte thought about it and decided to try being a boy this time. To have both experiences. It'll mean your 2 sons are very aware of female issues. They'll be wonderful.


  5. That is a very interesting way of looking at things. I wasn't 100% certain of my daughter's gender until her birth, and she didn't really 'solidify' and become real until she got her name. Babies have their gender from conception, of course, but not knowing hers made it more fluid somehow, like she had the possibility to be both at any time, if that makes any sense.

    I think it doesn't matter what gender our bodies have, souls are like angels, genderless. It may be hard for you to imagine your girls in the bodies of two boys, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible. I hope you get one of each for your sake, but if you don't, I wish for you healing and acceptance.

  6. I really hope that everything goes well today! Regardless of gender, these are your sweet babies and I know they are excited to meet you, too!

  7. I completely understand. When I get pregnant again, I am hoping for a boy. Without saying, a healthy baby and pregnancy, but having a boy again will set things right. When i think about it possibly having a girl, I get anxiety because the end of the story doesn't end with a little girl, it ends with my baby boy. Even though my baby is gone, he would be part of this new make soul.

    I hope yu have one of each because I think both boys and girls bring something different to a family and different lovefrom parents and I hope you get to experience that. I can't wait until its my turn again.

  8. I like your story and I like Sometimes' thought too! Whoever is in there I hope they are super healthy!


Please share your thoughts! It makes me feel like I have friends.