My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Just adopt! Yeah, just blow me

Whenever anyone says "just adopt!" I want to kick them in the teeth.  All those comments on Dear Abby articles where people talk about how selfish and narcissistic it is to go through fertility treatments when there are so many poor little babies who need homes, I just want to smack the people who make those comments.  You know who makes those comments?  People who have never, ever looked at what it takes to adopt.

My cousins are experiencing this right now.  And they didn't even have to do the hard part of finding a birth mother.  Someone at their church said that there's a baby due in August, does anyone want to adopt it, and my cousins stepped up.  They went through all the medical exams, home invasions - errr, home studies, etc etc etc and were expecting to bring home a baby girl this week.  They had everything set up including a breast milk stash from the family dairy cow (hi!) and traveled to be with mother and child when she was born.

The day before the birth, one of the potential fathers shows up at decides he wants the baby and will sue for custody and child support.  So the mother decides that if he's the father, she's going to keep the baby and sue him for child support.

Turns out he is the father and the mother took the baby home.  My cousins are still very involved because they are the most supportive people on the planet and because these other two people are complete flakes.  Well within 5 hours of having the baby home, the mother pawns it off on my cousin to babysit so she can go out with her boyfriend.  Cousins lawyer says that having the child without the mother present is a really bad place to be legally so cousin tracks down the mother and gives the child back.  Within a few more hours, the birth mother is sick of this baby thing and hands the baby over to the father.

Cousin is keeping in touch with the father and offering parenting advice (they have 3 children already) and are feeling ok that the dad may be a decent guy who really is going to try to raise this little girl well.  But CPS is keeping an eye on everything and so that door is open that in the months ahead, my cousins might still end up with the baby if the father flakes out or something.

They had the easiest adoption situation in the world, and it still went to shit.  They traveled expecting to bring home a daughter and they come home empty handed and totally jerked around at the last minute.  I don't care how you expect to have a baby, to come home without the baby you've been expecting is heart breaking and no one should have to do it.

Fertility treatments aren't narcissism.  That has nothing to do with it.  They are honestly the cheaper option with the most chance of actually bringing home a baby in our country.  In this country, there are now very few closed adoptions so when you adopt, you are inviting a host of other people into your lives and the life of your child.  Let's face it, someone who is giving away a baby probably doesn't have the most together life going for them, so you are inviting a person with issues of some sort, that you might never choose to associate with otherwise, into your life.

So if the words "just adopt" have ever crossed your lips, don't let it happen again.  Your ignorance is showing.


  1. I keep telling family members, my parents included who did adopt in the 60's, that it isn't that easy now to adopt.

    Just one more reason why I'm headed in the donor egg route next. At least I'll have a better chance of bringing home a baby.

  2. Amen!!!! We did IVF, had a second trimester loss and did adopt and prior to our son coming home, we too had a failed match. Both were deep losses... Hugs to your cousin because the road is just as tough.

  3. That comment never fails to piss me off, for exactly those reasons. Not only is it hideously expensive and invasive in a psychological and social sense, and an invasion of privacy that "normal" people would never have to accept or endure to have their children, but there are also no guarantees. I now know two people who have experienced adoption loss, the closest thing to babyloss that someone whose child hasn't died can ever experience. My DH and I still want a genetic link to our kids, which is one reason why adoption is not on the table for us. We have one more shot for IVF with my eggs this fall, and if this experimental treatment fails, we will go running for donor eggs (I have a phone consult with the donor egg bank coordinator this week, in fact).

    I'm very sorry for your cousin's experience. I hope it all works out in the end. How very heartbreaking right now, though...

  4. When I hear people say that, I just turn to them and say "I would be happy to if you'll provide the $30,000 needed to cover the average, in country adoption cost." Which tends to make them get all bug-eyed and they make choking sounds, which allows me to follow up with "And the waiting list for parents to adopt an infant is, on average, 2 years. So there really aren't a lot of homeless babies out there."

  5. I know a couple who - I am SO happy for as their judge decided the bio-father WAS unfit and now the baby IS finally theirs...but they had an almost similar situation...the birth mother wanted this couple to have her baby - birth father shows up (who, btw, was in jail for having strangled the birth mother...) and decided he wanted custody...after MONTHS of not knowing if this father WOULD get custody - the judge finally said "nope you are an unfit father" (btw, he had to be at the court hearing IN his orange jumpsuit and shackles!)
    I thank God the justice system actually prevailed! Their daughter is now THEIRS! (the adoptive parents, that is)
    But when people tell me to "just adopt" I tell them about this couple or the staggering $30,000 + it is to adopt, compared to the $10,000 we are paying for IVF.


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