I'm in full on postpartum depression. It's crossed over from the crying of baby blues and into the dull, flat, nothing interests me of depression. Today I start prozac.
I've never been a baby person. Kids, yes, babies, no. But everyone always said "It'll be different when it's your own". They lied.
They said "you'll fall in love like you've never understood before when you see your baby." They lied again.
Every picture of the new mother looking lovingly and longingly at her newborn baby is a lie.
It feels so good to love my husband the way that I do. I always imagined that when I had a baby or two, I would get to feel that same way about additional people, maybe even stronger and that's the reward I was looking forward to. But it's not happening.
I keep trusting that it will come. Maybe when they start smiling at me, maybe when the prozac kicks in and takes the depression away from between me and my kids, I dunno, but I keep trusting that the overwhelming love and affection will wash over me at some point. It's getting harder to keep that faith though. I trusted it would come when I felt them move. I trusted it would come when I first saw them. I trusted it would come when I held them, then took them home and really started parenting, then when I got into a bit of a groove. But the benchmark of when it will come just keeps staying in front of me, just out of reach.
I sometimes feel about them the way I felt about my bitchy cat. Just this evil, horrible cat that I raised. Her littermate was raised exactly the same and he's affectionate and generally happy, but that cat never was. I spent more than a decade trying to find out what was making that damned cat so unhappy so I could fix it and we never did figure it out. Sometimes I'm afraid that's how it's going to be with these kids. They'll be crying and I want to fix it, but I can't figure out what the problem is.
Lots of people are telling me this is normal. Many mothers are saying how they didn't feel a connection until 6 months, a year, 18 months. If that's how so many mothers feel, why does everyone lie to us about how wonderful it is the moment you see them?
I'm not feeling the rewards of my struggle yet and I feel betrayed and angry. I'm going through all of the motions including playing the part of the doting mommy hoping it's a fake it until you make it kind of situation.
It's scary to admit these things. I fear that someone will take it wrong way and get all scared that I'm a horrible mom and the kids are suffering or something. I promise all of you, the girls are well cared for, getting plenty of snuggles and affection. They are getting the rewards of a mommy who loves them, it's just me who isn't.