My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Wednesday it got bad

The prozac isn't working for me.  I felt a little better mentally for a moment, and then some side effects started kicking in.  I felt even more drowsy than usual, and a bit dizzy.

Tuesday night, K gave me 2 solid 5 hour chunks of sleep.  A total of 10 hours interrupted once so I could pump.  And yet the drowsy and the clutziness didn't get any better.

Wednesday was day 7 of K working straight.  All day I was trying to sleep when the kids slept, but I would lie down for 5 minutes, that wave of drowsy and drifting into sleep would wash over me, and a kid would scream and get me up.  When you allow that wave to hit and you get up in the middle of it, you just feel 10x worse.  I did that several times throughout the day.

Halfway through the day, both kids were screaming, Charlotte was refusing to eat even though it had been a long time since her last bottle, I knew she was hungry, and Tina was spitting up whatever she ate.  I started crying and wailing along with them after being unable to soothe them, and then I started crossing that line from frustrated and into pissed off.  So I put them down, walked away for a few minutes, and then came back.

But this time, when I walked back, I wasn't any less pissed off than when I had walked away.  Honestly, I was so drowsy, and somewhat dizzy, and now angry, I was feeling drunk.  There's a reason I don't drink, I don't like feeling drunk.

Crying, I called a friend of mine and asked her to come over.  It was only 3 hours until I expected K home, but my candle had burnt out.  I really did not have 5 more minutes in me, and I really felt impaired with tiredness.  So she and her husband came over and each took a baby, while I puttered around doing some other chores until K got home.  When I accidentally broke a glass when rinsing some dishes, I knew that I had done the right thing by calling friends over and not trying to hold a baby.

After K got home, I went into the bedroom and cried.  Couldn't even pull it together to say goodbye to my friend when she left.

Back to the doctor on Monday to find an alternative to prozac and I've stopped taking it in the mean time. Still feeling tired, but not nearly as tipsy as I was.


  1. Kudos to you for knowing when to ask for help and being able to! I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well, PPD sucks ass :( When my 8 yr old was a newborn my (now ex) husband deployed to Kuwait, I was alone at Ft. Lewis away from family, with her and my almost 2 yr old and I had PPD. I felt like I was literally losing my mind and there were times I got so angry when she would just cry and cry and cry, usually from 12am to 4am! Thankfully he was only gone 3 months. I still have no idea how I made it through until I finally went to the doc and started an antidepressant. Hang in there, it does and will get better! You may not feel like it but you are doing a great job and those baby girls love you (((((hugs)))))

  2. I don't have advice to give. But I did want to remind you that these are your hormones, not YOU. You will get through this. Good work on knowing when to ask for help and knowing Prozac isn't right for you. Keep asking for help. People will keep giving it.

  3. No advice to give either, but so glad you know to reach for help. Being a mom to one baby is hard. Especially when they are colicky and cry non-stop. Noone tells you how much it can suck. My first was a very difficult baby and I can honestly say I loved her and cared immensly about her, but I did not like her. It was really hard to like something that screamed constantly. It got better eventually. I am not sure when. I am pretty sure that it wasn't overnight. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it is hard to remember that! We are once again dealing with a colicky newborn and I keep telling myself the same thing! Keep your chin up!

  4. I really admire you, Alex. You are doing everything right in he face of Hell. I wish I lived closer...I'd totally come give you a break. Hope your doc can give you something that won't have so many side effects.

    I wonder...have you looked into the Postpartum Support International groups in your area? My therapist is the co-leader of the group down here. I've never gone to a meeting b/c they're during the day, babies are present (wasn't ready for that when I probably needed the meetings the most), and I was getting what I needed from weekly counseling, but I have now doubt PPD will strike again next time and I most definitely will check them out. I always need reminded that I'm not alone in my struggles.

    Hugs, always!!

  5. Wow, such a difficult time for you. I am amazed that you had the foresight to call a friend and get some assistance. Twins are so difficult and with the added stress of PPD it must be extremely hard. I hope you have a good support system. Good for you for reaching out and I hope you get the right meds soon. Know that there are a lot of people out there cheering you on and if you need help don't be affraid to ask.

  6. I started Zoloft for my PPD and I can tell you for me the side effects are none and it is doing the trick! I slowly feel like I'm returning to normal and even though I went back to work this week, I had the happiest weekend I've had yet since our son was born. It feels much more like I'm living my life rather than struggling with everything and failing. I have so much more patience and perspective with our son. Keep trying! You'll eventually get there! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and when you start getting closer to it, I can tell you it feels great! This is what I went through all those struggles to have a baby for!

  7. Also try swirling your meds in the evening. When I first started, I was feeling a bit sleepy too. I switch to taking mine before bed and it fixed my drowsiness issues!

  8. Hi Alex,

    I mentioned in a previous comment about Prozac being very hit and miss. I've heard unfavorable things about it. Personally, I take Zoloft for a pre-existing anxiety disorder. Although I think it may have stopped my baby blues from developing further. Several of the midwives I met with during my daughters stay in the special nursery, mentioned Zoloft as being particularly effective towards PPD.

    I hope you sort the meds out and start to feel better soon.


  9. Heads up on Zoloft... Known side effect is decreased libido. It can also worse bipolar issues.

  10. I hope you are seeing a therapist along with a psychiatrist. Medication is a bandaid to your issues. You have to work on these things with a professional. Find someone you like and don't use the excuse that you are smarter than them!

  11. Urg. I'm so sorry the prozac isn't working. That and zoloft messed with me too. I ended up on cymbalta.
    Hang in there!


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