I'm not crying as much as I was before, but I've lost interest in pretty much everything. My parents came over to babysit for the evening yesterday, just to give me a break and let me go out and do whatever I wanted. And I couldn't figure out anything I wanted to do or anywhere I wanted to go. I hate being here, but can't think of a better alternative. Just kind of numb, unhappy, and bored with everything.
I made an appointment with a shrink for next Monday. I want to see if I can get myself back before I completely miss the whole newborn stage. Because right now, I'm so unhappy all the time that I am missing it. I'm going through the motions and the girls are being cared for, but at some point, I've got to find a way to be interested in life again.
And frankly, I'm pissed off about it. Not surprised of course, but just pissed off. I didn't get to enjoy the conception of the girls like a normal person, or the pregnancy because of all the bleeding and scary stuff, the birth was no fun, and now I don't even get to enjoy the actual babies. I knew that I would be sacrificing some of the normal life experiences that most people get to have when starting a family, but come on! Let me enjoy SOMETHING damnit!
I'm glad you're taking charge of your mental health. You are pretty aware of yourself, I hope that the fog will lift and you'll get to enjoy the newborn stage! I'm also worried about PPD stealing my newborn stage enjoyment from me, so I am going to be on the lookout (and my husband will be, too).
ReplyDeleteAn, Sweetie, I'm sorry. I understand being pissed...I was super pissed at everything before my diagnosis, including the fact that all signs pointed to PPD, and yet, miraculously, once I *was* diagnosed, it was like a weight was listed. As my counselor said, "Honey, given your history of depression, years of infertility, a difficult pregnancy, a second trimester loss, screwed up postpartum hormones, and the lack of support from some key family, there's really no way you *couldn't* have PPD."
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for taking the first step to note your concerns and ask for help. That is huge!!
Sending you giant hugs...you're going to be ok!!
I hope the appointment goes well. I'm so sorry that on top of everything you've got this going on too, but I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself. *BIG HUGS*
ReplyDeleteWell the kitty wants to give you love. Remember you can always call me.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are getting some help to feel better. I hope it works. It sucks to be depressed. I can't remember if I wrote this in a past comment, but my mom had pretty bad PPD with me. For the longest time it took everything in her to feed and change me and didn't do much else. Hang in there hon. Hugz!
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