My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's gettin hippy dippy up in hee-yuh!


I'm not real big on spiritualism or whatever, but when the universe drops a big ole sign at you, I do kind of take notice and while I don't put my entire faith in it, I'll go ahead and kind of hold on to it.

In the beginning of our relationship, the universe seemed to send me a deer whenever I was concerned about whether or not I found the right guy.  A few months into dating, K and I decided to work on a play together, he directed, I stage managed.  I was concerned that working together would turn into one of those high drama situations where we would drive each other crazy and end up hating each other.  Partway through the rehearsal process, we are leaving a rehearsal, each in our separate cars.  K is ahead of me and for no apparent reason, he stops and gets out of his car.  When I get up to him, I can see from his headlights that there is a herd of deer crossing our path!  Not just 1 deer, an entire herd!  We weren't out in the boonies either, we were in a suburban neighborhood of Salem, MA.  It took about 5 minutes for that herd to fully pass.

A few months later, I brought K to Seattle to meet my family.  We went to visit his uncle who is also in the area and at one point, we were invited to spend the night which K knew I didn't want to do, but he didn't say anything which forced me to speak up and find a polite way to decline the situation.  As I seethed, trying to figure out how to communicate to K that we were going to have our first argument ever as soon as we were alone, we had to stop to allow a deer to cross the road.  And later in that trip, we had to swerve to avoid hitting yet another deer.

So yeah, I do kind of believe that a deer (or a herd!) is sent my way to tell me that K is my partner and I've chosen the right one.

And now, on the first day of my IVF treatment, I'm sent a cougar.  I've never seen a cougar in real life before and they aren't exactly a common occurrence here in suburban Bothell.  I've certainly never heard reports of them being here before!  So let's see what we can find out about this 200lb symbol that showed up on my doorstep last night.

From - In some Native American tribes, it is a totem symbolizing balanced leadership. One source describes a cougar totem that is associated with a controlled use of power; the ability to successfully lead without force.

From Making Magic Work -Panther as your guide may lead you down a more mystical path. The Panther is a symbol of earth and a symbol of personal power.
From The Earth Angel Connection - Cougar is about personal power.  When cougar appears in our life, it is time to learn about power, strength, and using the personal tools we have been gifted with by spirit.  Learning to be assertive.

From One SpiritxCougar- Using Leadership Power Wisely and Without Ego, Balancing Power, Intention, Strength, Gaining Self-Confidence, Freedom from Guilt, Cunning, Savagery, Fury, Remorseless, Hunting, Seeking of  Freedom, Balancing Intention, Power, Coming into Your Own Power, Courage, Swiftness, Balance.

I'm feeling pretty good about that symbolism.  Does it say motherhood is in my future?  No, not really.  But it's about leadership and personal power.  Balance.  Courage.  Sounds like motherhood qualities to me.  And we all know how powerless I've been feeling on this journey.  So, perhaps the mountain lion on my doorstep was bringing me the power I need for this (hopefully) last struggle to get there?  And to provide the ability to be a leader without being a total bitch about it?

Not the exact sign I wanted the universe to send me, but considering all of the bad omens I could have been sent, this seems like a good omen to me!  I'll take it!  So here we go on another IVF leap of faith.

This wallpaper is available for download here

PS - K was just reading up on cougars too.  How elusive they are and they are rarely seen.  In his words, I've been "given a gift".  That's really odd wording for K.  If either of us is hippy dippy, it's me.  I thought he must have read this post and then went looking around for info so he could comment.  Nope, he hasn't read this yet.  Say Hi to the folks in the comments when you do get around to reading this Honey!

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