My Story

The chronicle of the journey from infertility, to miscarriage, to finally raising twin girls born in June 2012.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Do or Die of Dieting

So we had our consultation with Dr. Douchebag today.  You'll notice that he has retained his unflattering nickname.

Here's the big fat issue in the room - my big fat butt.  They have established their policies and settled on only doing egg retrievals for patients under a BMI of 40.  And the reasoning makes me want to tear my hair out.  They have the anesthesia people in one building who are willing to do a retrieval for us fatties.  They have transfer facilities so that the retrieved eggs can be placed back into a big fat uterus.  However, they do not have a means of transporting the embryos from one place to another.

For all sorts of legal liability issues, none of the various companies involved in this process will take legal responsibility for the potential for problems to occur while transporting the embryos from one place to another.  Basically, nobody wants to be held liable in case of a car accident causing your maybies to splatter all over the highway.

So for the want of a Frozen Fed Ex, I can't get pregnant right now.  Yes, my entire future is put on hold because of traffic issues.

But here's the good news.  When they took my height and weight measurements today, they established that I'm 5'5".  I'm really, really not that tall.  I've always been 5'3 1/2", maybe 5'4" on a really good day.  When she said I'm 5'5", I corrected her like a good girl, and she measure again, twice.  And the technician still claims that I'm 5"5".  I did my part in correcting her, I'm not going to argue and force her to say I'm shorter than she wants to say I am.  And my weight (once I took my jeans off) was measured at 247.4.  That puts me at a BMI of 41.  By their calculations, if I can get under 240, I'm eligible for IVF again.

Now honestly, knowing how tall I REALLY am, I would need to get under 233lbs to get a BMI of under 40.  But if they want to put my weight loss goal at 240lbs, who am I to argue?

So an August cycle is off the table.  I officially have 6 weeks to lose 7.5lbs so we can go for a September cycle.  It's going to be one hell of a challenge for me, but it's still a lot more doable than 14lbs.  But I'm really scared that I'm going to fail.  I was 244lbs when I got married 6 years ago.  And 18 months ago, I was 266lbs.  So by the way, can I get a little credit for the nearly 20lbs that I've already lost?  And 4 months of that time was spent pregnant with twins, so I think I've made a shit ton of progress in the last 18 months.

We hit the drug store on the way home to get some hair dye remover stuff (K had to darken his hair for a play a few months ago and we need to remove the color from his hair because it's growing in white and he's looking like a redheaded skunk).  And we got some Hydroxycut Fiber Full Drink Mix, along with some  HYDROXYCUT MAX FOR WOMEN.

Personally, I think these products are bullshit.  If there really were a magic diet pill that actually worked, America would be thin and it ain't.  However, the fiber full drink actually tastes pretty good and fiber can't be a bad thing.  If having that extra fiber puts off my feeling hungry for an extra hour, bonus.  And the Hydroxycut, well, I really think that's bullshit, but it does have a lot of folic acid in it.  I couldn't find any ingredients that seemed harmful and folic acid is a primary ingredient in prenatal vitamins (which I'm not taking while taking this stuff) so I don't see any harm in trying this product.  But, there's a very slim chance in hell that these products might assist me in losing weight (on top of the move more, eat less real diet I'll be trying to follow), that few extra ounces could mean the difference between getting pregnant in September or having to wait another month.  I hate to be an idiot buying into the hype, but it's worse to disregard a potential avenue for assistance in order to save my pride.

I will also be calling an acupuncturist and hopefully starting treatment.  Studies show that they do increase pregnancy odds.  Again, I'm calling bullshit, but even though I think it's a hippy dippy fad, I'm gonna go for it.  And some people use acupuncture to assist with weight loss as well.

The onus is on me of course.  Move more, eat less.  And on that note, I'll be trying my first Krav Maga class tonight.  I'm fat, angry, and feeling powerless.  I'm hoping that kicking learning how to kick some ass for an hour will assist with all three of those problems.

And as for Dr. Douchebag.  He's got some things going for him.  Behind the scenes, he really is trying to get these issues worked out so that they can offer treatment to us big girls.  So he is fighting on my behalf in that regard.  And who knows, by September, he might have the transport issue figured out so I can go ahead even if I do fail at the weight loss (but I'm certainly not counting on that happening).

However, I brought up the little joke he made.  The reaction I wanted was a truly remorseful apology for making me feel so crappy.  Even if he couldn't see the problem in what was actually said, I wanted him to feel bad simply for making me feel bad.  But what I got was a defensive list of rationales for why it wasn't so horrible and a placating apology.  And for that reason, he remains Dr. Douchebag.

And as for why I'm sticking with Dr. Douchebag - well, the other primary clinic in the area has the same BMI restrictions.  So by the time I worked my ass off to find someone who would treat a big girl, do all the preliminary testing that needs to be done, got the money back from my prepaid plan with Dr. D and applied it to somewhere else, well frak, it's September before we could go ahead anyway and there's no guarantee I'll like a new guy any better anyway.  If I stick with where I am, I don't have to deal with all that bullshit and I'll have the added bonus of being a pant-size smaller come September anyway.

I'd love some encouragement from everyone over the next 6 weeks.  I'm going to be tackling the biggest failure in my life that has been a consistent failure for over 30 years.  And I'm doing it with a deadline and the highest stakes imaginable. 

PS - just a little note about an hour after I wrote this post.  Don't take the 2 pills of the hydroxycut on the first day, especially if the only thing in your body is your favorite Starbucks drink.  I think I'm currently a little over caffeinated and a bit jittery.  Can't wait to see the results of what I make on the pottery wheel in the next hour while I'm like this.


  1. Make sure you schedule your next appt (the weigh in) for 1st thing in the morning-don't eat or drink anything before you go. You are at your lightest when you first wake up.
    Good luck-it's total BS...
    btw-can you do everything at the other facility? egg retrieval, storage, etc? That way there isn't an "issue" with your weight? Or is it too far away?

  2. Maybe because of the high stakes and the deadline you will be even more motivated to succeed? I believe that you can do it...I really do. :)

  3. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

    It's your life and you get to take control of it and have the pregnancy you deserve!

    Cut pictures or print pictures for motivation and put them all over your house and car. This will help you think and remember why you are doing all that you are.

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!


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